October 25, 2009
Weekend almost over, thank God! I don't know why they are so hard. I was feeling pretty good there for a while but for the past few days I've definitely taken several steps backward. I'm lonely, sad, anxious. It just kills me because this is so not like me. I am so angry at him for putting me in this stiuation. I just hurt.
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One day down the road, you\'ll feel so much better. I hope it\'s soon for you. I was a real mess in the beginning and I\'m really happy again. Hugs.
Wow, the other day I felt like calling a friend just to cry for a bit, then I thought not. Yes, I still go through some feelings about my other two marriages to this day: the first for 5 years (we have a lovely daughter from this union), the second for 10 (I paid child support and helped to raise the 2 steps) and then this last one for 22 years (together for 23). There are yet painful thoughts in each one. I really don\'t believe that we ever really \"get over\" past relationships. They haunt us because of the lost potential, lost opportunity, lost growth, and the hurt and suffering that goes with each one. I do know that I went from one relationship to the other in no time, leaving the first for someone else and leaving the second with another person in the wing that was not going to be permanent. Finally, I met my current spouse about 9 months after leaving my second spouse and the divorce was not yet final. I just sort of \"fell\" into relationships. This time, I am older by many years and do not know where I will fit in the dating/romance/relationship scene at all. It is all so foreign. What I miss most of all was my mistaken belief that our relationship is \"secure\" and that I will be buried with her in the end. Now, I have to figure another way and I don\'t have anyone with whom to live out the rest of my life. I love that feeling in a relationship: continuity, security, knowing that someone will be there who loves me and cares about me. Gee, all that gone in a flash that I did not expect at all! I am not sad about this now. I am just in that place where the \"I wishes\" are used to deal with the pain and the suffering and to help me with greater skills of observation, coping with the emotional landscape (internal as well as external) and, it seems, I have been able to cope better most of the time. However, there is no way to escape those blues. In a way, they remind us and teach us what we need to know when we listen to them . . .
Take care.
Sounds like you\'re heartbroken and depressed. I was with stbx for 17 years, married 12. We are still friends but it hurts terribly that he pushed me away with philandering and emotional abuse. Now he is living in OUR old house with a black woman and tells me the sex is the best he\'s ever had. Life can be so cruel!