October, 2023

October

Saturday, October 14, 2023

11:54 PM

October has been full of surprises and mysteries. But I have been wondering what and why I am feeling different every time I work at Arby's I get mad or frustrated because I am there. People say that I am what you would call it brain fried at the job. I do not know why I am experiencing these emotions. I think to myself when I am working that I wonder why things are what they are. Having friends and a girlfriend to love and to cherish. I know I can't make anyone love me but being friends I can live with and maybe someday that friendship will become lovers. I am just going to have to live with just friends, but I just don't want just friends. As for my family I will never see my new grandchildren because of who I am, the pain is starting to get to unbearable to live with that I just don't want to bear it anymore. I am always wondering how they are doing and what are they doing. AS for Merle telling me that she will never keep them away from me I think she accomplished the opposite because she has our daughter still living with them which is keeping me from seeing anyone. As this day I still have no clue what I have done to her. I will never stop caring for my kids and not even my grandkids. As for my modeling career I have two events coming the runway show and the ambassador for a comic show in Baltimore. I have taken steps so I wouldn't be tired so I managed to get a hotel room in Baltimore as it will save me time, wear and tear on the car which reminds me that I need to find a mechanic to figure out why my engine light keeps coming on. As for Laura I know in my heart that she will not love me for who I am as she only sees me as Daniel not Danielle though she has admitted to it. But will I ever find love again and if I can't I don't want to be around anymore. Being lonely is taking a toll on me more than what I expect it to be. I don't know what is keeping me going but I am tired of continuing. I keep thinking to myself that why I am putting myself through this, I am getting tired and frustrated with work almost every day and it is the people or I should say the customers and it is causing the anger.  I think I am getting tired of working at Arby's. I have been their for almost 9 complete years.

I am still listening to music and watching tv on my phone but I feel like that I am slipping down the hole. Sometimes I fall down to much that I am thinking about doing away with myself. I am not in touch with my own family and it is starting to hurt to much and so far the music and the other activities are starting to fail. I feel lonely all the time, no friends my age. Even my activities are starting to fail me in keeping my mind safe as I am thinking dangerous thoughts. I thought that Laura will be with me but not just friends but that is not going to happen at all because I told her that she can not think of me as Daniel and I knew that It wouldn't work I just wished that she didn't look for me as it just made things worse for me. I feel the struggle between Daniel and Danielle but we must realize that it is what we want in life. But not knowing what is going on in trying to start a relationship with someone but I am failing in that department.

So far I am getting ready for my 2 big shows Stump the Runway for Autism and the ambassador for a comedian show both in Baltimore.

But my worse problem is my family not knowing anything.

Why should they care about me as I am not in their lives anymore, not cause of me but with them keeping me out of the loop with everything and as for Merle both my numbers are blocked as I can not make or send any text messages. As she has told me your number is not blocked. That is why when I call it goes to voice mail or the message or call can not be connected. Maybe people are right maybe I should just write them off. What I do know is that the holidays are coming up and will I survive it as I am thinking about giving up with life and it's the honest truth.