October 2022

I am lying down here feeling kind of depressed, concerned about my kids and Merle. I haven't tried to text her thinking that she blocked my number like she said she would. I am going up this weekend just in case she needs me on Monday when Robert goes to see the eye doctor. I just hope that they can help see again as it will make me happy. I made plans to take them but of course she changes her mind and tells me not to bother they have a ride even though I told her that I would take them but of course she tells me not to bother. She made a promise to me that she wouldn't keep me away from my kids but because of who I am. I was treated badly by her. As she rewrite history. Daniel has been hurt by her but he never gave up loving her and the kids. He was being neglected by her asking her to help him with doctors appointment with his eyes, blood pressure, and his hernia's that he has been trying to get repaired only to be told that I don't have the money for you to take the bus, or we don't have the money as we had health insurance. As she would yell at me in the middle of Chi Chester Ave. I have tried my best to do the things she wanted me to do but never returned the favor back. I keep on thinking about my kids only to keep telling myself that I will not see again. Even with my youngest daughter sending me a message telling me that I wasn't a father to her and I lied, cheated and most of all stole from her. There is never a day that I don't think about them, All she can say that I bad mouth them on Facebook but without naming anyone she can not take the truth that everything is my fault and my daughter saying the I am using my gender as an excuse. But they do not know what goes on with my mind. It would seem that I am having a war in my mind. Since 2019  I think I am doing pretty good with my life. But who am I kidding having some doubts about what I am doing with my life but who am I am. Who am I, just don't know anymore being slammed by my own kids and my wife, the only thing I am doing is being depressed, thinking what is the sense of being around or better yet why am I around, They are right trying to someone that I am not. I keep thinking about taking the pills that I have to end my life it is getting harder each day not to take them even though I have a lot going for me I just don't care to live my family was my life and since I don't have them what the worth of living. Who am I kidding about being a model or changing my job for something better it will not be any better because my family will not be their to support me. As for David he made it clear not to interfere with his daughter for which he is right and I am going to tell him that I am not interested in any relationship with him. I thought that he would be different.

October 25,2022,

The continuation of October is being a mysterious one. I guess it is along the line of Halloween. Computers going down at work ending up being short because of it and the little argument with David being thousands of miles from his native land US. Even though I never met him yet. As for the photoshoot well I did make the cut but I am learning a lot with this new experience. As I learned that you have to treat this new endeavor as your own business. Submitting applications to the job offers they will be sending me, but then again and as I mentioned before you have to treat it like a business and to run a business you must pay in order to make money. As I am crunching the numbers I can come up with the remaining 3500 that is if I max out all most all of my credit cards in order to start but I was informed that with one session I would be able to pay it all off. It would be nice and a risk. But after talking to a few people, some negative and a majority of the others say that I am correct that you have to run it as a business and the studio is just a hub for job opportunities. So I am going to take that leap and see what I can produce from the other side. Maybe I will be able to leave Arby's and pursue it full time or maybe I will be able to travel around since I love to travel and see the beauty of the world that I live in. It would be an experience of a life time.

As for my family well things are not getting any better. I was suppose to take Robert to his eye appointment only to get told not to bother that they are ready have a ride even though I told them and made plans to take them, but as usual they didn't want me around. I went up there anyway just in case I was needed. I spent all day in Pa. and the only information I got from Merle was that they were at his appointment and nothing later, not even to let me know if they where home. Some things never seeks to amaze me about her actions. It's just to say that how much they care about me, but nothing changes, but if you ask her she will just tell you either she did or she forgot. In each case she knows that I know  she carries her phone around every time. It proves to me that nothing will never change. I don't want to be like my own Dad not caring about his kids, I am going to be persistent. To let them know that I am not going to give up. I might eventually let Daniel go completely but being Danielle I won't, I will always think about them and keep asking until my last breath. That is my promise I will keep forever.

After several days Merle decided to text me to let me know about Roberts prognosis. But after I told them back in September that I will take them and took the 2 days off so I can get them to Roberts appointment on time it didn't happen, but of course I was told that they have a ride and again this past week her telling me that I wasn't going to be able to take. I just don't understand that I did say that I will take them to his appointment on Monday. It just leads me to believe that I think she is either having selective hearing, finding ways to hurt me or just being forgetful, but being forgetful doesn't jive with me as I sent her a message a week prior to make sure there wasn't any changes and to make sure I was scheduled off for the two days. So when the day came I will be up there. The reason I do that is to confirm and also to make sure there are not any changes. So again I requested the 7th of November off. I don't know what she is thinking as I keep telling her that I still care about everyone but she is making things difficult for me to keep caring as I don't think I will be able to stop!!

Once again I am not looking forward to the holiday's as I know that I am not going to be able to spend Thanksgiving with them, I just don't know what will transpire this holiday season with no family to spend it with. I feel that I will have to come to the conclusion that I don't have any to share it with. Why do I bother living any more I have no one!! I am alone always fighting to survive every day as It is not only Daniel but Danielle to0 is feeling the same way and what's the point on living as I am almost at the point of exhaustion and not caring anymore. When is enough is enough. As October is almost over.