October 2021

Another month has past and its been sometime that I have thought about myself. My feelings on everything I have done in the past 2 1/2 years. I still have difficulties in handling my emotions. I still break down and cry for no reason at all but maybe there is and I am not seeing but even though I am going through these emotions I still care for Merle and my kids. My kids I would never close the door on them as I care about them just as much as I love Merle. One sad note is that I will not go back to being with her because I Know in my gut that things will not change with her and the other note is that she knows some of the changes I have made to myself but not all of it. I am surprised that she hasn't made any moves to get me to come back. It is different this time for the amount of time passed she has not made any attempts to get me back, I guess with her knowing that I already started HRT she has given up. I am glad for that also she doesn't know that I have had the surgery and that I don't have my male organs anymore. It has helped me big time that it feels like a big heavy weight has been lifted.

I am happy for what I did and I have no regrets. I am living my dream as a female, wearing the clothes and looking like a female. I am surprised that my complexation and the changes to my face that I can't recognize myself. I enjoy feeling the softness of my skin. Sometimes I can't believe what I look like.

On the other hand I am moving closer in accomplishing another goal in my life, getting Daniel's name cleared from having a felony charge. When that happens I am going to start looking for a better job with better I is benefits. Then the big solution is to figure out what a women wears for a job interview. I should be able to figure out what to wear, I am looking forward to the challenge. Just as much I am looking forward in getting Daniel's name cleared.

Through the days I have been asking  myself do I really deserve this, or Is it me being selfish. I just feel that I do not deserve any of this but do I. why am I feeling this way?? I have spent years researching everything but I did not expect certain emotions to evolve.

I wish I can talk to KC about this but I won't be able to anymore just like I am unable to attend group sessions through Mosaic because of certain criteria between states. They say it is because they do not have a therapist with a NJ license  that allows me to attend. Which I think is not fair, I still think it has no barrier on a support group than one on one. I felt out of place when Wednesday came, I felt distant and rejected  also alone that now I have no one as I feel alone as before. As I do not like feeling this way. I am always feeling depressed trying to accomplish my goals thinking I am doing this for myself in a way I am but it is not in anyway of having fun. All I am feeling is overwhelming amount of emotions that I just break down crying. I am still trying to over come the emotions which I am going try to control them. But my gut is telling me it's a worthless why continue to bother just let It take its course.

The other issue is that I am dealing with being alone and when I say alone I mean I miss the adult affection. I do not think I will find another women that would consider to have me part of their life. But I must move on, as they say it will find you when you at least expect it.

Another experiment I am doing is allowing my nails to grow longer and applying nail polish. I am having a slight difficulty in typing on my laptop but I am not going to give up and as for the ears being pierced I have to get over my fear of getting them done, I dream of getting and wearing ear rings. But that is going to need a little more attention and funding.

Well this is all for now until something comes up out of the ordinary

Time lapsed

Leaving Family  :  2 Years 6   months  14 Days

HRT                 :  2 Years 1   Months   19 Days

Bottom Surgery:  0 Years 11 Months     6 Days

Cont

October 26,2021

This month has been a continuation from September but it is getting worse including Daniel he his starting his antics again. I have been telling everyone that I do not know how much longer I can keep this up, I am tired and things are getting worse as I do not know how much more I can take. I am pretty much crying all the time. Why can I just have the rest of my life being happy without all the drama. This year has been so much turmoil between me trying to kill myself 5 times to, having merle still making me be Daniel instead of allowing me to be myself, to helping her grab bags of potting soil so she could have a level pool and not once showing me how it turned out. So far I haven't seen Robert or Vanne since March of this year. Then I have had issues with my heart. I wanted so badly to just let it take its course with me so I would be done with it. With all the pain I have been enduring practically all my life. I am glad that I started reaching out to my family in 2020 and to my dad in March as well. Talking to him had me concerned if he was going to accept me or not. I was relieved to find out from him that he accepted me as his daughter. But there was something else that was sneaking in the shadows. With all the panic attacks I have been getting I was told to go to the hospital but I didn't want to telling them that I will be ok in a little bit. They talked me into going and ending up at Atlantic Care Mainland division under going a battery of heart testing and throughout my time I went through torture the whole time I was there and being miss gendered at the same time by some staff members. But the nurses where nice as it made it a little tolerable to be there. But when the urologists tried to insert the catheter I heard one of them say I hope I have it in correctly but prior to the insertion I did ask them if they consulted with the urologists team at Temple but I never got an answer from. As days later I have been experiencing some issues that I have found out from Dr. Pri. That something is wrong and I should not be doing that sort of thing like discharging urine while I am massaging my nerve ending. I am going to continue this further

 Friday came and I will say that I enjoyed myself attending the workshops at Williams Way in Philadelphia. One bad thing was I have been using my credit cards just to survive but I hope I can get them paid down when I start working again. I am waiting for the court date to clear Daniels name so I may find a better job with better pay. As for the appointment with Doctor Douglas it was interesting. I have found out that I must start doing physical Therapy on my pelvic bottom to prevent me from urinating every time I orgasm. But I am at a lost on how to do that and finding someone that does this certain type of theropy. In away it was kind of neat to watch me shoot urine out of me when I orgasm, I just have to make sure I am not facing the computer.

At least I don't have to worry about my pelvic floor. The other disappointment is that I have to wait 6 months to get my revision surgery done, but I still have to figure out if I want to have my canal in a straight entrance instead of on an angle and then straight in but my clitoris will continuously show instead of being covered. But I am still thinking about it. Plus I AM THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY BREAST IMPLANTS AND THE LAST THING I NEED TO DO WILL BE TO GET laser surgery to remove the hair from my face and look into having it done on other parts of my body as well.

As for my trip with seeing the boys it was ok till the end where she started up again about how I walked away from my family and trying to live two lives but I only go up as Daniel just to grant her wishes. I knew when I started my journey  I would lose a lot and as of today I have lost my 2 daughters, Kaitlin being one finding out that her wedding day is all set and I am not invited to attend her wedding. I am so sadden to find the invitation on the refrigerator at the house knowing that I am not invited, her own father but it shows that there is so much hate towards me that she will not speak to me, or even invite me to her wedding as I tried to get Merle to talk to her in getting her to change her mind. I know in my heart and gut that I won't be going to see my last daughter get married. I am going to try to send her a wedding card with a gift inside to show her that I still love her and care about her. I do not know why I deserve this attitude towards me and I do not think I will ever find out the reason why. But I do know that I have not done anything to deserve such attitude towards me. I care about all my kids but one by one I am losing my relationship with them and the last text message I got from merle when I was driving home my feelings started to feel helplessness, loneliness and feeling no one caring about me. As I interpret her text message I feel that it was her telling me not to come up anymore. I am so heart broken, as I do not want to be alive anymore because I can not live knowing none of my kids care about me. 36 years of being married to Merle I do not know how to heal from that.