October 2008-Nov-2009
Hello everyone I am back
October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween I am back in Florida thank the gods and I am waiting for my husband to join me in a couple of weeks. I am using the employment job computer real quick I don't know if your suppose to use it for journaling but I will make it quick I live near Dade city FL now and I 've missed the antiques stores and it is Halloween morning and I am wishing something cool would happen to me on Halloween but I highly doubt it it is the first time me and my mate have spent a Halloween apart and it sucks royally because we love Halloween both of us do. Oh well I ll just take my kid trick or treating and read a Sherilyn Kenyon book has any ONE EVER READ THOSE BOOKS they are absolutely yummy so candy from my kids candy stash and a good werewolf.. vampire book ..any vampires or were wolves out there I am bored and want to get bitten so I can live forever if only anyway got to go for now.. but I 'll be trying to journal more often please anyone got any cool exciting haunted Halloween stories please write me I am so bored I can check it Monday sigh oh well happy Halloween everyone p.s. just several more weeks till my mate {NOT MY MATE NOT EVEN CLOSE } gets down hear from god awful Idaho ..he is driving down hear wish he would fly because I worry about him sigh.. oh well later
ciao
Star bear
--I Checked out some of the vampire web sites on the net pretty cool I must say ..but is there really vampires? Just wondering well I found a couple of jobs at the hospital in Dade city and some other places like San Antonio. .and Zephyrhills, and Hudson and all that crud so I ll fill in applications for them Monday and see what happens wish me luck happy Halloween everyone hope your will be better then mine ... later
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I am back was in the process of moving we live in Crystal river Florida now
April 15, 2009
I got my kid in a good school, the place we live at has a creek/drainage ditch in the backyard with four, or five pine trees. The creek...has fish in it and big ones it leads to the crystal river. Today was a good day to go boating...but instead I am hear in more southern Florida ..for Easter.. .playing on moms laptop...lucky...anyway. I am in the market for a nice boat preferably bigger then a canoe to get out on the water ..in citrus county well other area of Citrus county .last weekend we caught seven blue crab yummy...four of them were very large we found a sweet spot. where a lot of blue crabs go...so a boat would be good to catch more blue crab...you know Homosassa is absolutely pretty pretty and we are not far from the beaches in other parts of the state it is cool .I don't have much to report.. just ..same old same besides the new place anyone from the other parts of Florida who come down hear to see Florida's more nature areas should check out Citrus county it is cool... I am currently looking for a job.. want to work at a bar though I like the bar scene ..anyway got to go for now more later when I come back down hear to use the lap top later for now ..but dudes seriously this weekend is beautiful. .perfect time to get out on the water
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it is my birthday
June 17, 2009
I had a terrible one and no luau like I fucking wanted it my birthday always sucks just wanted a freaking Hawaiian party with lots of fucking mix drinks and a pig in the ground is that to much to ask i guess so I have friends right...but their of course busy on my b day cant depend on anyone wish I had some tequila that makes me crazy.. but today I want to be a lot crazy ..gods ! anyway I am getting a little into mysticism and wicca and a little bit ..hell makes life INTRESTING i THOUGHT OF LEAVING MY FAMILY AND DISSAPPEARING,,,A FEW WEEKS AGO I still think about it but cant be that selfish can I ...no I cant. .guess not wish...I wish...well doesn't matter what I wish I just wish never mind laterz for now ..any one have a vampire. .wicca what ever in crystal river FL? oh well later daze Cree
my apologies I went off because it was my birthday and everyone forgot
July 8, 2009
including my own mother ! Today is not a good day either rode in the rain on my bike just to get away from my sensitive as a chimp husband and those so called well meaning friends and family the same ones I bitched about earlier. I had a massive argument with my husband. I hate him so much and I hate everyone that lives near me(the well meaning friends) I have nowhere to go though because he mentioned to me well where are you gonna to go I got the job, the house and the money coming in what are you going to do about it you can leave me if you want.. but our kid stays hear and he threw in my face I don't have a job.. again believe me I have been looking, but look at the economy it sucks so he is right I am trapped I have nowhere to go .and no one to talk to. .I want to disappear..I even thought of disappearing with out my kid just to get my head on straight and get away from him.. but my heart will not let me.. then I call my mother tell her the problem you know what she said to me well your just being over critical he works hard and he loves you and blah blah blah blah yea he shows me he loves me by calling me a cry baby, a bitch, crazy, stupid and retarded...he doesn't hit me. .but his words kill me and he always said he is sorry. but then he does it again how am I to cope...should just close my heart off to him pretend to be the perfect mate and then go find someone who does care how I feel someone who does know what it takes to make me feel good about myself someone that isn't him! I got to go I am tired and I have a bottle of jack danial waiting for me rest assure I drink it after my kid is asleep not while he is awake I wish I was never born sometimes because life seriously sucks when no one cares about you..got to go Cree
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Today is another bad one
July 10, 2009
We are arguing about his putting everyone (our nosy neighbors)ahead of me the neighbors, the milkman, the candlestick maker ,the one eyed doc who lives down the street no not really I am being dramatic ..but damn he drops everything to help everyone else out, to comfort them, to sympathize with them to what ever but when I need his comfort, his sympathy, his attention it isn't available sorry hun the dog that lives down the street needs to be walked our anniversty will have to wait so does speak. So I give up. You know what my mother said my mother not his well you have to grow up you have to stop ruining the family ,you have to stop being so bitter you know you must be doing something wrong your poor husband never does anything wrong he is a freaking angel it is all your fault ,all your problems well gee thanks ma for everything why don't you just spit on me while your at it! I wish I was adopted seriously you know what just wait they are all going to be sorry I don't need a man who is going to neglect me, yell at me for being sad ,scream to me that I have nowhere to go because he is working, he is paying for the rent, he has the money coming in. Ok boys and girls let's all play pretend let's pretend I actually care about my lousy husband at least until I get myself situated then you know what screw you honey and my worthless family I am out of hear again my apologies for not being bright and cheery today...but how would you react? laterz
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Don't i sound like a whiny but
September 2, 2009
Sorry it is all gloom ,and doom but things ,life is getting to me. On the bright side went fishing up in Homosassa a few weeks ago at Ozella trail ,and caught a mess of blue crabs in a little pond out of here they were great well tired now have a goodnight everyone.
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Sorry been out of my mind back now
September 3, 2009
If you ever felt like your cursed? Our kitchen roof fell in had to leave our cottage and come down hear, but I had other reasons.my husband's boss treats him like crap and he can't say anything to him so he comes home and yell's at me just yell, but still hurts. I guess that is why I begin looking at these married and looking websites just looking and wondering what falling truly in love feels like haven't felt like that in awhile =
(I think I was born in the wrong era
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(I think I was born in the wrong era)
September 4, 2009
Quick someone build a time machine I Desperately want to live back in the days of knights, fair maidens, and killer dresses not to mention cool swords. You ever saw someone waving at u and it turns out they were waving at the cheerleading/football star type of person behind u? That is how I Feel today why as a society like ours so hate full and mean to eachother. On the funny side came back from outside looking at the pretty half moon started to bed found a frog in it and it didn't even bother to buy me dinner first just kidding reckon it was a prince in disguise well that's what living in front of a swamp/want to be sinkhole does .I woke up this morning found those black ants the ones you can't get rid of even if you used tnt all over the kitchen sink ,dishes, and counter top now I am not all girly when it comes to creepy crawly things but These ants are in everything what do u do to get rid of these things short of blowing up your house? Will try not to let this ruin my day
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seeking guidance....
September 5, 2009
I use to be heavily in natural healing with herbs, and plants now not so much so with life so messed up I have to believe there is something I am doing wrong I decided to learn wicca I need to focus on something positive, can anyone recommend some sites about how to learn wicca
which is a good site I don't know where 2 start??
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Nothing makes me happy
September 6, 2009
Went to the beach tonight was fine for a few minutes but these dogs we have 4 just driving me crazy they just don't listen not only that I hate it hear I can't stand it should of stayed down there there is so many problem I just don't know what to do
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Land of confusion
September 7, 2009
So I am trying to get my kid in school there is so many hoops I have to do to just get my kid a education got to get shots, former records, blood type height, weight, amount of money we make, damn wish we didn't have to go through this wish to god i could leave now I am Stuck because n Fla your kid has to go to school, or you get locked up and your kid gets taken away regardless of the problem. You are having like roof caving in your land lords property being foreclosed on you dealing with whether u want to stay in your marriage, or not arrg
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Armed Escort
September 8, 2009
So the school attendants cops came by with social worker it was one of those ah...*! moments. So tomorrow I am to get my kids shots and get them to school and to make sure I do it they will follow me there, and back what the f.....k!
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Sad eyes
September 9, 2009
I AM freaking out I keep telling myself it is just a doc appointment with escort but I feel sic I feel like disappearing I am having very dark thoughts I need I need to take off, but I cant god help me I don't wanna be hear
Soo now only am I stuck hear .....
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September 10, 2009
Electric is off again because the land lord of the place can't get their head out of their ass to remember to pay it damn so my kid will be coming home to no hot dinner he will be coming home to a hot house this is FL it gets hot quick! DAMN! I would like to ring his neck get with it man!
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Earliest memory -kindergarten
September 11, 2009
I was took to my very first day of school. I was scared I was 5 I told my dad this he took off his leather belt and threatened me with it if I didn't get into class! ahh memories
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New....Humiliation's
September 20, 2009
Rich ass zooms through our poor little junkyard our home turf a place that use to be a drug haven but not any longer he is loud and laughing about how he is going to flatten the place he said this to two wanna be porn stars girlfriends he calls us the residents trash....
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Humiliations part two
September 21, 2009
The rich Ass talks about flattening the trees some as old as 80 years old kill the trees, chase the animals ( white tale deer ,wild turkey, rabbits, wild boar raccoons, the otters) into the city to be killed by cars, poisons, the problem with civilizations ....
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Humiliations 3
September 22, 2009
I see red I imagine drawing my dragon blade across his throat And see the surprise in his eyes you have been judged and found wanting good by if f.... king only! The rich get richer ,and meaner the poor are stomped on and left for dead no one mourns no one cares
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For everyone a lot of you are hurting right now 4 one reason, or another...
September 23, 2009
You have the right to be treated with respect kindness, and compassion. No one has the right to treat you like crap you may be scared, alone, feel rejected and lonely but know this u will survive you will not give up..
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September 24, 2009
Life is not so much about living as it is surviving You may think you will not survive the pain the hurt you feel is to strong but know this you are strong, you will fight this you will fight for your right to be happy again, to laugh, to be heard you will fight to keep yourself strong do not let them weaken you do not let them see you cry do not give them that satsifaction do not believe so willingly you are insignificant you are important you are loved you are special you are defiant you are brave you will survive.
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14 year old boy wondered into Armory Oklahoma
September 29, 2009
14 yr old escapes locked closet where his mom locked him in for possibly a year and a half I am sorry, but WTF! that bitch needs to dye I'll be happy to do it!
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September 30, 2009
I wish my grandma was still alive I so miss her her and my daughter who passed Seems like we will always be tumble weeds and not have roots nowhere. I dream of a lil'ol cabin in the great smokie mountains near Cherokee a home a place that is all ours we would have our sweat lodge, our fire pit the drum circle I wish we had a real home
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Feels so cool outside...
October 1, 2009
The cold front they promised us is hear yay feels cool, but not cold oh if only we had a home a real one with a real kitchen, liveing room ,and a nice pretty yard NOT a junk yard all I want is a home for Christmas sigh...
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R.I.P Jessi Dedicated to my daughter who would of been 9 years old today if she had not of passed. June 28,2000-July 19.2000
entry :October 2, 2009
The song Angel by Sarah McLoughlin I miss you baby girl.=(
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My husband is driving me crazy!
October 4, 2009
my husband gets in trouble for carrying weed with him so now he has to take a piss quiz,go to classes and all that stuff that goes with it he has been off it 4 one day and i want to knock his block off! why the hell did i marry him he is the only man to make me cry and there is no way to get away from him he makes the money he has the home and vehicle and he threatened more then once to take my kid away from me Iam trapped god I wish he was dead or in jail i hate him i hate him i hate him! wish that i could fly we would b gone! he is a good dad but a terrible husband
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Yard sales & Home is where the heart is....
October 5, 2009
Yard sales 6 hours two days of sitting there hoping someone will stop by and buy your crap so you have money to buy more craph I would rather be fishing ! ..Also home is where the heart is well I don't have a real home ,or decent family, but hear being hear reading everyone's stories sure feels like home to me more so then anywhere else.
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Life finally made me break down this morning
October 9, 2009
Our electric again was turned off the owner of this place forgot to pay it it wont be turned on till late this afternoon i am writing this entry using my cell phone. I just cant take it no more i f...king cried till my head hurts I don't know what to do
Break down recontinue
October 10, 2009
I have never had this problem when I was singal, I always could have found a job, i never was to depressed, sure I was lonely, but i never had the string of bad luck that i have had with my husband .His constant use of weed, and his terrible tempers when he is not on it dam it i am so tired of living this piss poor life with him i want to take a walk right now and completely remove myself from this place and never come back!
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Love just isn't enough....
( Side note 2021 is the year This is not love )
October 11, 2009
I don't think I luv anymore i can't get myself to believe love really exist I don't think I ever felt love before except when my kid tells me i luv you mommy other then that does love even exist ,or is it just a fairy tale to ? This life you know what i would like to do i want a trade in i want to trade my life in for a different one i still want my kid in my new trade in life ,but nothing else not my mom, not my brothers not anything. I just so tired of struggling in this life I am getting to old for this i just want comfort and peace and i know I will never find it with joe my husband i want to disappear somewhere with islands or mountains and lots of woods i want to hide me and my kid from this messed up life.
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October 12, 2009
I took pics of the bay where we go fishing at sometimes, . So we decided to play hokey today, so we went fishing they were biting like crazy, so we had fun and so I am thinking 2 DE- stress our mind ,and spirit we should play hokey sometimes ,and do something a little selfish ,and have fun.
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Don't laugh, but could everyone be extremely care full
October 13, 2009
Ok got a secret I get bad feelings sometimes which usually means something bad will happen to people I care about. my whole family has these feelings so today be extar careful today, and be extra cautious and please watch out 4 unsafe situations please and b aware of your surroundings and strangers you meet. because I care about everyone hear please be careful today
star bear
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This time it wasn't our electric that got turned off, but our water
October 14, 2009
It would be funny if it wasn't so silly also sorry I acted all weird yesterday but I had my mother visit us Sunday and sometimes she gets feelings ,and she is really religious so she tells me do not go in the empty house at the motel I take care of (the house has the only washer I can use to wash clothes and guess what i need to wash clothes) so I know when she gets these feelings you better pay attention so i am official freaked didn't get to the clothes till 2day( i had to do clothes so i had to go into house ) I had 1 of my pit bull puppies with me he is big and his chicken shit mama and armed with a 12 in blade went in whee! didn't find nada zip in the house till i went in laundry room
in laundry room I found a prison issue jumpsuit shoved between the washer and the wall I freaked I left called the cops turns out there was sex offender in the house yesterday he was on a work crew from jail and he took off f...k! needless to say they do not know where he went f...k! SO NOW me and my pit and my blade and the chicken shit mama dog never leaves my side
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Everyone hear is thinking about someone else'
October 15, 2009
This is a long one might be done in 2 parts- Wouldn't it be nice if the people you really wanted to be with you know the ones that would make you happy were hear reading what you write about them what do you think they would say ,or do? The song Back 2good by matchbox 20 came on the radio and The lyric: the title of this post: was part of song. and you know 35% of us at least are with people, or dating people that I am sure we care about and possibly have affection for, But...we imagine the other one we either let slip through our fingers ,or does not feel the same way as you do about them ( can we just be friends who hear is sick to death of that line?) or their married...so we imagined a life with them we fantasize about them we think of the possibilities the what if's why do we torture ourselves? If they were reading about their selves hear what would you say? how would u express your love 4 them? Everyone hear is thinking about someone elese 'part two
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October 16, 2009
I Use to have two friends in Tampa fl. Sulphur springs both boys one was 12 the other was 13 i was maybe 11,or 12 and Yes I was a tomgirl loved climbing trees and all that these guys were my best friends Robert and mark were their names and we 3 did everything 2gether and guess what I loved them so much I wish... I knew them today both that is my what if's there is more, but those two damn wish they never moved away I still think of them and I never got to kiss them they were in, and out of my life so fast...what fun we could have today if only??
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Away we go a new DVD release movie
October 18, 2009
Want a good movie to watch? I rented it last Sunday and it looks silly, but I am telling you it is a very good movie .It is funny, sad, touching, and just so good it reminds me of how my husband and me on just ok days relate to each other. I have not seen a movie that good since-Little miss sunshine. It is called 'Away we go' Do you care ,or are you just saying that?
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November 2, 2009
Thinking about the two brothers again the ones that were my best friends till they moved away. You ask me why I keep thinking about them? I think about them because they were my first guy friends who didn't treat me like another stupid girl. They were always there for me, they liked me regardless of who I was, and what I believed. Now a days I can't seem to find friends like that in my reality they either use me, or only come to me when they have a problem, but when I have a problem they are nowhere to be found. The brothers of Tampa Fla, Sulphur Springs duplex's were not like that I could rely on them. sigh wish I could find them guess it's not such a small world after all. I am out.
P.S. that is what they were to me my heroes,
like brothers to me. At the time my real bro's didn't seem to want nothing to do with me
wait that's still true I haven't spoken to them since July
god I just need them
I guess the brothers not my bro's =(
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November 13, 2009
Every thing is quiet the storm has ceased
I hate it when my so called friends brings me to my knees
I think of many things laying in bed things left unsaid
God To have a mute, or reverse button in my head!
I sure wish I could go back and live in the middle ages that would be cool
at least then I wouldn't be treated like a lil' fool.
Star bear
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