October 20, 2009

I want to believe that I will see Max again and that we will know each other.  In the year since he died, there have been times when I KNOW he was near me.  Like the time I was admiring Joyce's necklace and she said she had a communication from you and GAVE me the necklace!  Or the hummingbirds that came for the first time the day after you died.  How can my 6 foot 230-pund son be a hummingbird??  They fly so fast and bring such joy to us! Do others think they will see their departed loved one again?  How are you sure?

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biowoman
biowoman

I think I will see Alex again...can I know for sure? Only in my heart. I think we must choose to allow ourselves to believe things that once we thought were impossible. The impossible has happened to us...so we know things CAN happen. I love thinking of your son as a speedy little hummingbird coming by to say hi to mom! Love and hugs...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Max seems to be such a wonderful young man, and he will remain \"forever young\". My son, Greg, left this earthly world 14 years ago at the age of 24. He was riding his mountain bike and was hit by an extremely drunk driver. Greg was a graduate student, engaged to be married. I felt like my soul died with him that night, and it took a long, long time for me to be able to re-establish a feeling of normalcy in my life. But it was a new normal; not the old normal I wanted it to be because I just wanted my life back the way it was. Foe about 3 years, I felt like I lived somewhere in a \"world\" between the living and the dead, as I also have a daughter, who was 20 at the time, who was going through her own grief. She and her brother were very close. Nikki, Greg\'s fiancee was also going through her own struggle and spent days and nights just lying on his bed at our house. I look back onit all now and I don\'t know how I \"survived\" it all, or even came through with any sanity left. I didn\'t think I was able to survive, nor did I really want to.10 weeks later my dead dropped dead from a massive heart attack - he and Greg were very close and they spent a lot of time together - Dad called Greg his \"buddy\". My husband went into a deep depression and ultimately developed a fatal illness and died 4 years later. I was 49 when my son left me and 53 when my husband left me. The only consoling thought from that was that my son and his Dad and Grandpa were together again taking care of each other - but that also their spirits were alive and taking care of me. I felt their presence around me many times.
I have no real advice to help this tragic road you are on seem less devastating - except to say that it does eventually get better, and life does eventually seem normal again. The happy memories do become truly happy, not feelings of sorrow, because you know there are no more memories to make.
There were many things I tired, and I thihnk that is the important thing to do - whatever works for you to help ease the pain, even if for only a short time. I read books about death and dying; I went for counseling, on and off for about 6 years; I eventually took anti-depressant medication to deal with the panic and anxiety attacks that I had so often that could have led me to be a recluse - but even the thought of that was not comfortable. A devout Christian before all this, I quit going to church, because I was so mad at God - yet I continued to have \"conversations\" with God asking him to help me find the way through all this. I continued to work, because I needed to financially, and that was sort of helpful - but I had to take a tranquilizer every day just to get rid of the anxiety about going to work, because it was a struggle just to make myself get out of bed and get dressed. I wrote a journal on the computer - about whatever made me feel relieved - maybe letters to my son; maybe poems about the day or him; maybe \"hate\" letters to the man responsible for Greg\'s death; maybe letters to God, my Dad or later on my husband...I also began to focus on the love I had for my daughter and wrote letters to her about how much she means to me....some I gave to her; some I saved on a disk for her to read at a later time. I set up a memorial fund at the high school Greg attended with the money we got from the man\'s car insurance settlement. I read the Bible, which at first did not seem to be very helpful. One thing I tried researching was about Mary, Jesus\' mother - how she must have felt as a mother losing a child, even though that was his destiny. I talked to other mothers who had lost children prior to my son\'s death. I certainly wish there had been a site like this at the time. I continue to meet with and reach out to other mothers who have lost a child and offer to help them by listening, crying with them, or whatever - IF that is something they want. I have often thought about writing a book - just so other mothers could read it and maybe find some comfort. Maybe I will still do that, but before it was always too painful to go back and relive those terrible days and nights.
I do believe I will see my son again, and of course, like you, I question if that will really happen - and will he know me, or me him, but I choose to believe it will, because that gives me hope instead of a sense of fear. I know I have had \"contacts\" with him in dreams that are just too real to be only dreams, because they are so vivid, and the details of these experiences linger, and have lingered for years. There were several during the first year after his death, and at first they frightened me because I thought I was going crazy - because I previously never believed such things actually happened - that people were either \"high\" on drugs or were just mentally unstable. I came to realize that whether they were real or not, they made me feel calm and assured that he was OK. I went to a couple different mediums at a summer retreat for mediums in our area (2 1/2 hours away) that is called Lily Dale. Many mediums from all over the country come there during the summer for workshops for themselves, and spiritual healing for others who come to see them. I was a skeptic, and went with caution, but was surprised and amazed at the information I was given that just couldn\'t have been some of \"trick\" or learned talent in \"reading\" people. Many people had many kind words of condolences or \"advice\" and one in particular came from my dentist when I was having a root canal done (he was also my son\'s dentist). \"You can stay bitter, or you can get better\" I said that to myself many times each day. It seemed like it was easier to stay bitter than to get better, but I did not like myself as the \"bitter, hurting\" person.

My heart goes out to you, and all I can say is that you CAN and WILL get through this....time is an important factor....and allowing yourself to feel the grief however you must....in a healthy way. God gave us tears to soothe the pain, so let yourself cry if you have too - even though it most likely makes your eyes feel and look terrible, and you have a terrible headache afterwards - but a hot shower, Tylenol and sleep - even brief sleep- helps relieve that. Eat healthy foods - do some exercises if you can (I hate exercising, but walks often helped). I went (and still go) for regular massages, and I talk about my son all the time - he is still very much alive in my heart. That makes some people feel uncomfortable, but if it makes you feel better, then do it. Your close friends will get used to it, because they are also grieving too - for you, and for your son.

This is way too long, but even for me - now after all these years - I feel a strong connections to the moms on this site. For me now, it makes me realize where I have been - down a desolate lonel road that I thought would never come to a comfortable place in my life, to how far I have come - when at the time, I thought was impossible.
Blessings to you.
ForMomsOnly
ForMomsOnly

So many of us have had experiences like yours - and I think most of us believe that \'the kids\' still exist just not in a way we can understand. Mine typically communicates with music and heart-shaped rocks... Barbara