October 1st- No Energy Today
(I was having computer problems yesterday... I typed this up but forgot to post)
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Today I didn't have any energy. I woke up early with energy, but it was before I was supposed to get up (I had only had 7 hours of sleep, not nearly enough). I took a klonopin to get me back to sleep, and then slept until 1:30pm. When I woke up, I had no energy. I almost wish I had gotten up at 7 and gone for my jog, since I didn't get it done today. I had to go to Target to get my pills, so I caught the 3pm bus (which came late, at 3:20) and then the 3:40 bus to Target. I didn't get home until after 5, and by then Geo was getting ready to leave. He's at a football game right now with his little brother. I didn't have the energy to go for my jog when I got home from Target, and it was time for me to start getting dinner ready anyway. Not like I did... I lay down instead and tried to nap. I just can't describe how drained I felt today. It's like a vampire came along and sucked out all my energy. I didn't have coffee today, maybe that has something to do with it, but when I first woke up I didn't feel like I needed it. I felt okay when I first woke up, but as the day went on I just got more and more drained. I know it's the depression kicking in... when I was lying in bed trying to sleep after I had gotten home from Target I started doing what I used to do in my free time- thinking about the easiest and least painful way to kill myself. I was triggered by an article about an euthanasia roller coaster- the g forces at the end kill you. I was thinking that seemed fun, but how much would it hurt? Then it got me thinking to other ways I would kill myself.
So I know I'm getting suicidal. I need to talk to Geo about it when he gets home, if I'm still awake. I don't know what to do. I know I normally get this way at this time of year with my dad's death and all, but on Thursday I had such a great outlook on it. I don't understand. I guess the mood swings are coming with full force. I thought I was doing so great. I'm still going to try for the picnic lunch on Tuesday, I have a “date with my dad” so to speak and I don't plan on breaking it unless I have to go into the hospital. I really don't want to go into the hospital, especially since I'm applying for a job there now, but I don't know what else to do if the suicidal thoughts get worse. I will go in if I have to, I assure everyone. I have made a promise to myself to go into the hospital if things get to the point where I can't handle them. Geo knows this and trusts me on it. Maybe if I go in I can get the help I need again and have another good month. I don't want to talk myself into going, though. I don't want to be in there, and the pain I was in last time from the food was horrible. I couldn't sleep since my stomach was in so much pain. I think it would be the same this time again if I went in there, since the food hasn't changed and neither has my stomach. If anything, my stomach is more sensitive since I've been having trouble with food I normally don't have trouble with.
I don't know what I need to do to get out of this dead end train wreck. I took a nice bath today, a nice bubble bath and it made me feel a bit better, but I know it's only temporary. I know going to work helps me out a lot, so I can do that too, but I need stuff for days like tomorrow when I have all day by myself. I'm supposed to go pick up some clothes from a woman, but I don't think I can do that tomorrow. The buses run so slowly that I would be waiting an hour. Maybe if I brought a book or something. I know I need to get my exercise in tomorrow, since I didn't do my jog today. Maybe that's something else I can do- jog. I found out that the mile I thought I was doing was really 1.2 miles, so that's why my times were so slow. It made me feel better, knowing that I was able to do more faster than I thought I was doing. I was worried about my mile time, but not anymore. Now I know I'm doing my mile in the time that I should be doing it, and my 2 mile time makes sense now. Maybe I can wake up early on Monday and get my jog in. It all depends on how I'm feeling on Monday, and how late I fall asleep tomorrow night. I didn't fall asleep until after midnight last night, but it was okay since I didn't have to take any sleeping pills. I keep telling myself that I'm going to get out of bed when I feel energized, but today I was scared since I didn't want to go hypomanic. Now I know I should have gotten out of bed and taken a nap, but it's hard to know what the right decision is going to be when you are just waking up and don't know how the rest of the day is going to be.
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Today I didn't have any energy. I woke up early with energy, but it was before I was supposed to get up (I had only had 7 hours of sleep, not nearly enough). I took a klonopin to get me back to sleep, and then slept until 1:30pm. When I woke up, I had no energy. I almost wish I had gotten up at 7 and gone for my jog, since I didn't get it done today. I had to go to Target to get my pills, so I caught the 3pm bus (which came late, at 3:20) and then the 3:40 bus to Target. I didn't get home until after 5, and by then Geo was getting ready to leave. He's at a football game right now with his little brother. I didn't have the energy to go for my jog when I got home from Target, and it was time for me to start getting dinner ready anyway. Not like I did... I lay down instead and tried to nap. I just can't describe how drained I felt today. It's like a vampire came along and sucked out all my energy. I didn't have coffee today, maybe that has something to do with it, but when I first woke up I didn't feel like I needed it. I felt okay when I first woke up, but as the day went on I just got more and more drained. I know it's the depression kicking in... when I was lying in bed trying to sleep after I had gotten home from Target I started doing what I used to do in my free time- thinking about the easiest and least painful way to kill myself. I was triggered by an article about an euthanasia roller coaster- the g forces at the end kill you. I was thinking that seemed fun, but how much would it hurt? Then it got me thinking to other ways I would kill myself.
So I know I'm getting suicidal. I need to talk to Geo about it when he gets home, if I'm still awake. I don't know what to do. I know I normally get this way at this time of year with my dad's death and all, but on Thursday I had such a great outlook on it. I don't understand. I guess the mood swings are coming with full force. I thought I was doing so great. I'm still going to try for the picnic lunch on Tuesday, I have a “date with my dad” so to speak and I don't plan on breaking it unless I have to go into the hospital. I really don't want to go into the hospital, especially since I'm applying for a job there now, but I don't know what else to do if the suicidal thoughts get worse. I will go in if I have to, I assure everyone. I have made a promise to myself to go into the hospital if things get to the point where I can't handle them. Geo knows this and trusts me on it. Maybe if I go in I can get the help I need again and have another good month. I don't want to talk myself into going, though. I don't want to be in there, and the pain I was in last time from the food was horrible. I couldn't sleep since my stomach was in so much pain. I think it would be the same this time again if I went in there, since the food hasn't changed and neither has my stomach. If anything, my stomach is more sensitive since I've been having trouble with food I normally don't have trouble with.
I don't know what I need to do to get out of this dead end train wreck. I took a nice bath today, a nice bubble bath and it made me feel a bit better, but I know it's only temporary. I know going to work helps me out a lot, so I can do that too, but I need stuff for days like tomorrow when I have all day by myself. I'm supposed to go pick up some clothes from a woman, but I don't think I can do that tomorrow. The buses run so slowly that I would be waiting an hour. Maybe if I brought a book or something. I know I need to get my exercise in tomorrow, since I didn't do my jog today. Maybe that's something else I can do- jog. I found out that the mile I thought I was doing was really 1.2 miles, so that's why my times were so slow. It made me feel better, knowing that I was able to do more faster than I thought I was doing. I was worried about my mile time, but not anymore. Now I know I'm doing my mile in the time that I should be doing it, and my 2 mile time makes sense now. Maybe I can wake up early on Monday and get my jog in. It all depends on how I'm feeling on Monday, and how late I fall asleep tomorrow night. I didn't fall asleep until after midnight last night, but it was okay since I didn't have to take any sleeping pills. I keep telling myself that I'm going to get out of bed when I feel energized, but today I was scared since I didn't want to go hypomanic. Now I know I should have gotten out of bed and taken a nap, but it's hard to know what the right decision is going to be when you are just waking up and don't know how the rest of the day is going to be.
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