October 2024

Well October is here and the year is almost over, where did it go? I keep asking myself that very question. I still haven't seen my boys and so far that I am aware of is that Danny's boy is out of the hospital, I just hope he is doing good. Still haven't heard from Danny and I don't think that I will either just like my other two boys. But I do have a chance to see Gabby in December I get to watch her dogs. I managed to get the week off at Walmart and so far no response from Arby's.

Things are starting to get difficult and I feel that it is because of the holidays that are coming up. I am feeling depressed, including the feelings of not wanting to be around. My new therapist wants me to hand over my pain killer but I don't want to give them up and maybe I don't I just don't understand why they want to intervene it is my life. I'm getting tired every day. Tired of wakening up dreading what the day is going to give me. So far the lawsuit has been place into the estate which is unfair for me, trying to get my own place so that I may live more comfortably. I am still hoping to get this career moving a little more quickly. It is a lot of work!

I have noticed a lot of changes is going on with work, Arby's has me working 4 days now and Walmart 3 days and the customers are more rude than ever, The worst thing is that every where you go people are bringing their dogs inside stores and the management aren't doing anything about and it is a lawsuit waiting to happen. If someone get bit by a dog. People are ignoring the law and it seems that they are writing their own. Animals are unpredictable just like I was attacked a couple of times riding a bike. With work cutting down on hours, I might have to resort to cutting my ventures myself. Every time I am at work I am getting iritated with people, Kelly constantly on my back about drive thru times and being accused of handing out the wrong items. Which I know right well that I am handing out the correct orders. It is getting frustrating. Even at Walmart customers are rude and more aggravating is that a lot of them don't speak or understand English even though I know that they do. Being a female has opened my eyes even more experiencing first hand the arrogance of men that like to insult my intellegence. But to make matter worse I haven't seen my two boys, they probably think that I don't care about them anymore even my other kids. I sure miss them. I feel that this was a mistake as it is taking a toll on me. I am almost at the point where I just want to give up fighting and what is the since of me going on. I have my mind flip flopping telling me that if I didn't do this I would have been able to see my grandkids even the rest of my family but I am not to sure of Kaitlyn as I have tried to figure out what I did to her. But as time goes on I am tired of trying anymore. I feel that the spunkyness is dissipating. Every day I am starting to think about taking those pills that I have to end my life as I told my therapist that it is my life and I have the right to end it! I can't believe that I said that but I feel empty inside that I have no one who I can love or take care, my family has turned away and I will have to come to realization that I am out for good. I am back to thinking that the day will come that I will wake up from being in a coma and the past 5 years was nothing but a dream that I am still a male and living with my family. But the reality is that I am not. Listening to music is not helping much to keep my mind in check, I am losing ground. Some days I feel that I am making progress only to knocked back further than I made progress. But the holidays are coming fast and my question to myself is will I be ok? My feelings are uncertainty. As days pass I feel the pain from my body, my hands, back from my spine and no amount medication can eliminate the pain. I am afraid that I am going to collapse of exhaustion due to fighting but when is it time to just pack it up and turn the lights off, even my humor is failing me to keep me smiling. I am damaged goods and there is no way to fix things. Today I am working at both places and tomorrow I have therapy or am I going to have that non paid photo shoot also I am still waiting for that check from doing that casting back in September or will it be another bounced check that I am going to regret. I am looking at October nearing the end along with nearing the end of 2024 as time is moving at fast pace.

Saturday I went to Baltimore to audition for Fashion week. Only to have the city sponsoring a race that I couldn't get to my destination. Which led to a waste of my time and funds so I can attend the fashion show. As if I really needed to waste the money. But I still have to keep a close account on my finances, I have to make sure that it stays tight so I can pay when something comes up.

Unfortunately I still haven't been able to see my boys. I don't know what else to do.

I am tired to the point of that I don't want to do anything anymore.

October is still full of surprises as I was selected to be a background person for a movie called Happy Gilmore 2. For the 30th and the 31st. As It was a wonderful experience being on a movie set and being in a movie. Never in my life I thought I would be in a movie and to meet Adam Sandler. I can also say that It was relaxing being away from Arby's. I just hope it continues as a positive note.