October 14 My mind is scared

Things are starting to escalate into something that I can not describe. Time is growing shorter closing in on the November 2nd date of the surgery. Looking for ways to keep my subconscious in check but I feel like that I am slipping a little. I started to listen to music to keep my mind off of the surgery but listening to music I thought that it would keep my subconscious busy with other things. I feel that it is helping to some degree but the music I am listing to is bringing up my childhood life being grounded and the only thing I had to keep myself insane was listening to the music I would listen to back in the Mid 70's and 80's. It just reminds me of me being alone with no one to care for and having no one to care for me. Having the feeling of being alone disturbs me because I made a promise to my self years ago that I would never be alone as I have failed myself.

I would break down emotionally crying every time I think about it. Thinking that the music would help in anyway keeps reminding me of the promise I made myself during that time. I can say it has helped to some degree but my subconscious would give me a reminder of the up coming surgery by giving me visions. The recent visions is me standing with that knife again but the newest thing was me being surrounded by police with a knife about to cut myself but this time it would be Daniel doing the talking. Daniel would be yelling about Danielle ruining his life, changing his body to become a female hurting him with the changes and Daniel threating this time to end my life if I did not stop. But I feel that maybe he is going to go further if Danielle proceeds with the operation. Should I fear for my life, but I would not know if he takes over my conscious mind that I would never to stop him. I can say that Daniel has lived in fear from trying his best to change his surroundings as he always given in to others. Daniel would cry out to merle about his health, especially his eye sight knowing that something was wrong. For years Daniel made plans to leave her but would pray to God for a sign to leave. I feel that Daniel is trying to get himself back in a safe place but for over a year he would bring up memories of me being with merle the way she treated me with disrespect yelling at me for almost everything and always coming up with excuses for the reasons why she was doing the things she was doing. I would break down and cry and sometimes cry myself to sleep many times.

I would try my best to think of the times I spent with Josie how she made me feel alive only to have merle blackmail me into remarrying her even though I kept telling her I only wanted to be friends. But of course I fell for it and did not listen to Josie at all ending up remarrying her only to have the abuse escalate.

I feel that Daniel is trying to get me back in this safe box and will do anything to achieve his goal. One thing I can remember saying to others is to take chances and if you don't you will never know if it was the right choice. I do know that Daniel researched heavily into transiting into a female and decided to go all the way without hesitation but I feel at this time he never thought I would do this or ever leave Merle. I keep telling myself and everyone who is around me that I am doing this to make myself feel good about myself and also finding the missing pieces to the puzzle that has me baffled all my life. I feel that my subconscious is representing Daniel and his fears. But all his life he has lived in fear not taking risks because of merle placing those thoughts into my mind making me afraid of her and my self preservation. I would like to tell my subconscious mind that we will succeed just as we have accomplished a lot in a year. We will survive together I am still him in the mind and soul. ( cant believe I am talking in this manner) Our lives have changed for the better with some struggles like my ankle. How can you tell your subconscious mind that everything will be ok. I can understand the fears my subconscious mind has but we have concluded that when I started HRT I would go all the way not half way. Look at it this way Merle can not hurt me anymore. This will be worth it, I have faith that Daniel and Danielle will survive this procedure. It will make us feel better of ourselves. I just hope that my subconscious mind will 

Relax and refrain from sending unnerving thoughts to my conscious mind. Thinking about the surgery coming up quickly its no matter. One good thing is that I am not having any ideas of canceling my surgery and I hope and pray that I won't, I feel that if God didn't want me to have it he would not have them call me to schedule the surgery.

I am scared for what my mind is doing to me, Will I over come it, only time will tell.