October 1, 2013
It's been a while since I logged in, the 1st year approaches and I have anxiety and pain. I have spent this time wondering about what Trevor thought and felt. I know he was in a lot of pain, his addiction had it's claws into him deep.
When Trevor lived with me, he was addicted, but I didn't see or want to see. After all, he was prescribed this medication by a doctor.
When I would come home from work and Alex (Trevor's Daughter) would come home from school, you would never know anything was wrong. We took our daily walk and Trevor would help Alex with homework and we would have dinner, and conversations, and I really thought all was ok.
When Trevor decided to move out, that is when things went downhill, The first place he was in, he got evicted, then he took up with a woman that was an enabler to the addiction. Alex got tired of this and moved back with her mother, I'm sure this broke Trevor's heart, He was only able to live on the edge with his minimal disability.
I have thought about this long and hard over the past 10 months or so, and I have come to believe that Trevor ended his life, the rest of my family doesn't want to believe this, but I do, I feel he had burned all his bridges and he knew this, he had no one, but that was only due to his decisions, and this was his final decision, to end his pain, I only wish he would have known, how much pain he had brought to his family...
When Trevor first died, I only saw him as a baby, and then gradually, saw him grow up, and now I've reached his end point. I need to go back and remember him when he was happy, and healthy, and all the great things he learned and saw and taught to his wonderful daughter, my granddaughter.
This is how I feel today...
When Trevor lived with me, he was addicted, but I didn't see or want to see. After all, he was prescribed this medication by a doctor.
When I would come home from work and Alex (Trevor's Daughter) would come home from school, you would never know anything was wrong. We took our daily walk and Trevor would help Alex with homework and we would have dinner, and conversations, and I really thought all was ok.
When Trevor decided to move out, that is when things went downhill, The first place he was in, he got evicted, then he took up with a woman that was an enabler to the addiction. Alex got tired of this and moved back with her mother, I'm sure this broke Trevor's heart, He was only able to live on the edge with his minimal disability.
I have thought about this long and hard over the past 10 months or so, and I have come to believe that Trevor ended his life, the rest of my family doesn't want to believe this, but I do, I feel he had burned all his bridges and he knew this, he had no one, but that was only due to his decisions, and this was his final decision, to end his pain, I only wish he would have known, how much pain he had brought to his family...
When Trevor first died, I only saw him as a baby, and then gradually, saw him grow up, and now I've reached his end point. I need to go back and remember him when he was happy, and healthy, and all the great things he learned and saw and taught to his wonderful daughter, my granddaughter.
This is how I feel today...
Replies
You have a understanding about your son that others around you don\'t. My son was a suicide and I know he did it to release himself of the emotional and physical pain that he just could not bear any longer. It\'s hard, actually impossible, to not thing about the end of his days, they haunt me all the time. Somehow I just go on. I know that he knows how much I love him and miss him. I\'m convinced this is not the end of the story, life goes on, and we will be together again.
Big hugs,
Terry
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
It\'s all so hard, huh?
I too never saw....either by subconscious choice or pure ignorance, the depression my Kala suffered, and later, the drug addiction my son was fighting. It surprises me...to not have \"known\"...after all, I\'m the mom, I\'m supposed to know, right? Well, I didn\'t.... I\'ve had to work hard on working this \"failure\" out in my mind. I\'m \"almost\" there.
One can never truly know what\'s in another\'s thoughts, but I\'m certain of one thing; no matter what, Trevor and Jason and Kala always did the best they could given the circumstances they faced at any given time in their lives....just as we\'ve always done and are still doing today.
I\'m sorry for the ache in your heart for missing your boy so desperately. I\'m sorry for the tears and the anguish and the lost dreams. I\'m sorry Alex is without a dad here on this earth.
I\'m thankful for gift we each received for the opportunity to be their moms. I\'m thankful for the love and the laughter, and even the arguments that popped up from time to time. I\'m thankful there was a boy named Trevor and a boy named Jason, and a girl named Kala....and I\'m so thankful they were ours!
Keep holding on dear one~~
I had planned an intervention for Josh. He had lost his job just before Christmas, his wife went to live with her mom a few months later. To make sure he would be okay, Chris spent a couple nights with him, then Dave and when it was my turn he said, \"Ma, if I was going to commit suicide, I could use Tylenol.\"
Josh was out of money but his Air Force boss paid for Josh to go to his part of the country and offered to pay him for painting his house. His Air Force boss was also a friend and wanted to get him into treatment there. We thought he had hit bottom. He wanted me to meet the plane and take him to rehab which I was willing to do. I had called the major people in his life and told them not to give Josh money. I don\'t know how but Josh got the money to fly home but it was three days before anyone told me that he was already home.
I remember the anxiety of making the first year mark. It was difficult so thank you for sharing this with us. Be gentle with yourself and allow these days to just happen.
Much love,
Leda
thanks for sharing some of Trevor with us today... always here with an ear to listen when ever you need... love ya!!
All of this takes so much time on this healing path and I cannot even remember when the shift so subtly changed for me that I was focusing more on my son\'s life than his passing. I still have my days and those are ones that I simply must enter into them and feel. It will happen for you as well when Trevor\'s life will more of what you remember than the sadness of his struggles.
Addiction is a horrible disease and robbed us of our beloved sons and what keeps me going is to know that the peace Douglas sought while living in his earth suit that alluded him he now has. Deepest of sighs...
Gentle care to you as the one year approaches and know that you have a loving community here who cares. I\'m with you...
Heartfelt (((hugs))) and so much understanding.
XO Joanie
Well, once again, I knew I could come here and get the support only my sisters can give. I understand with everyone else, life goes on and it certainly doesn\'t impact them as it does us. But I do remember a woman not close to me, but my daughter, lost her son to cancer, I know I felt sorrow for her, but my life went on and I think of her and all of you so much differently now. Thank you all for being here...
There are so many paths and twists on this road to our own recovery from the worst loss a person can face. Thankfully, we have each other for support. Like Joanie said, I also cannot remember when the subtle change occurred that I was able to think of Michael and smile instead of cry. Michael unintentionally ended his own life with a heroin overdose. My remaining child, Jason, is a recovering addict. I have struggled with my own demons of regret and wondering where I went wrong. I have walked a long path of forgiving myself. I will always have my regrets but I think all parents have some. I don\'t believe there is such a thing as a perfect one! I have come to a place of peace in thinking that Michael is free from his demons. Alas, I now deal with feeling guilty about thinking that I am \"glad\" he is gone...Which is, of course, not the case, but another thing to work through. Oh, we do have to work at being gentle on ourselves, don\'t we?
Peace.
I once thought, \"what if Trevor would not have died and been a vegetable?\" How long would he have gone on? Is this better? So many questions, but one thing that sticks and I say this as a quote from my most dear friend Faith, \"He/she is out of pain\" I thought of that, Faith was the only one that told me that, and it comforted me. I say this to all of you... and in a way, it is a relief.