Oct sadness
I have read your responses...and thought about your thoughts...and why I am feeling more down then normal..I wonder if anyone can ever be happy again really happy..there will always be that missing piece in our lives...
I remembered this morning that it was about this time in 2009 that we went to visit Ken.and he was doing do good..so it assumed to only return home and about two weeks later rush down there as something had happened to Ken...That was the beginning of the end of Ken's life...that is when he lost his ability to speak...then the use of his arm then the use of his leg...and many hours of watching him as he tired so hard to get his mind to work right...to try to understand what was happening...Many hours I sat with him all day and all night not having the right to take him to the doctor..taking him to the hospital..that was out of my hands after all he was married and that takes everything out of a mom's control. I knew in my heart there was something really wrong with Ken..I tried to talk to his wife...took her to where the doctor was thinking she was going to have test run to see what was wrong to only do nothing and my hands were tied...I think time after time that if only she would have had him checked in Oct. just maybe they could have done more for him....I don't really know that answer..but I think that is the answer of my falling down into this deep hole of despair as that is what I was feeling day after day and night after night..as I could tell Ken wanting to figure out what was wrong...Yet I had to sit there and bascially do nothing for him but to let him have to eat what he wanted, keep the fluid in him....I had no control...I would have never just waited to see what was going to happen that is not me...When his dad had cancer, I took him anywhere, everywhere to see what we could do to save his life..and I feel that just maybe if I could have done that for Ken just maybe he would have survivied.. It is so hard knowing that just maybe if I had had some control and could have taken him to where they could have found out sooner...perhaps helped him faster...just perhaps I could have helped save him, but when it is taken out of your hands...you have no choice but to just sit by and watch....something that ate at me...from that day late in Sept...when I just wanted him to see the doctor..have test run...find out what was going on....I had no control....Then for the next 3 months watching the cancer take his body away right before my eyes...just maybe that is why I have slipped back down again in the hole..I wanted so much to take a stand and help Ken...but I couldn't...Laws say I can't...yet I knew something seriouly wrong and yet the control was out of my hands...somehow I feel I must forgive myself for that...as I know I had no control no matter how I tried,,but I truely wanted to see my son live...maybe it would have not made any difference...maybe he would have still died..but yet we would have been fighting..we would have been trying...not just sitting waiting to see what would happen...That I know I want to fight...I want to know that I did everything I could..yet with Ken because it was not my right to have the control I feel I let him down...For me no matter the cost..no matter the outcome...no matter what I know that I would continue to fight for him till there was no time left to fight...that I think is why I feel so guilty...and even though I know I did what I could...I would have continued to look, to search, to do whatever needed doing yet all I could really do is set by his side day and night...wishing I could do more...yet I couldn't....
I did what I could...I tried as much as I could yet...I knew that was not going to be enough to keep him alive....how to handle it when it is out of you hands...when you know that your rights have been taken away from you and your left feeling helpless...just wanting someway, somehow to fight till you could not fight no more...
I tried my best..I know I did...I did what I could...but if only I had been the one in control just maybe there could have been a better chance of saving Ken's life...
That answer I will never know...somehow I know that I did my best..and know I would have done more if I could have...somehow I need to let go of that guilt...I sure miss that son of mine...I love you Ken..mom
I remembered this morning that it was about this time in 2009 that we went to visit Ken.and he was doing do good..so it assumed to only return home and about two weeks later rush down there as something had happened to Ken...That was the beginning of the end of Ken's life...that is when he lost his ability to speak...then the use of his arm then the use of his leg...and many hours of watching him as he tired so hard to get his mind to work right...to try to understand what was happening...Many hours I sat with him all day and all night not having the right to take him to the doctor..taking him to the hospital..that was out of my hands after all he was married and that takes everything out of a mom's control. I knew in my heart there was something really wrong with Ken..I tried to talk to his wife...took her to where the doctor was thinking she was going to have test run to see what was wrong to only do nothing and my hands were tied...I think time after time that if only she would have had him checked in Oct. just maybe they could have done more for him....I don't really know that answer..but I think that is the answer of my falling down into this deep hole of despair as that is what I was feeling day after day and night after night..as I could tell Ken wanting to figure out what was wrong...Yet I had to sit there and bascially do nothing for him but to let him have to eat what he wanted, keep the fluid in him....I had no control...I would have never just waited to see what was going to happen that is not me...When his dad had cancer, I took him anywhere, everywhere to see what we could do to save his life..and I feel that just maybe if I could have done that for Ken just maybe he would have survivied.. It is so hard knowing that just maybe if I had had some control and could have taken him to where they could have found out sooner...perhaps helped him faster...just perhaps I could have helped save him, but when it is taken out of your hands...you have no choice but to just sit by and watch....something that ate at me...from that day late in Sept...when I just wanted him to see the doctor..have test run...find out what was going on....I had no control....Then for the next 3 months watching the cancer take his body away right before my eyes...just maybe that is why I have slipped back down again in the hole..I wanted so much to take a stand and help Ken...but I couldn't...Laws say I can't...yet I knew something seriouly wrong and yet the control was out of my hands...somehow I feel I must forgive myself for that...as I know I had no control no matter how I tried,,but I truely wanted to see my son live...maybe it would have not made any difference...maybe he would have still died..but yet we would have been fighting..we would have been trying...not just sitting waiting to see what would happen...That I know I want to fight...I want to know that I did everything I could..yet with Ken because it was not my right to have the control I feel I let him down...For me no matter the cost..no matter the outcome...no matter what I know that I would continue to fight for him till there was no time left to fight...that I think is why I feel so guilty...and even though I know I did what I could...I would have continued to look, to search, to do whatever needed doing yet all I could really do is set by his side day and night...wishing I could do more...yet I couldn't....
I did what I could...I tried as much as I could yet...I knew that was not going to be enough to keep him alive....how to handle it when it is out of you hands...when you know that your rights have been taken away from you and your left feeling helpless...just wanting someway, somehow to fight till you could not fight no more...
I tried my best..I know I did...I did what I could...but if only I had been the one in control just maybe there could have been a better chance of saving Ken's life...
That answer I will never know...somehow I know that I did my best..and know I would have done more if I could have...somehow I need to let go of that guilt...I sure miss that son of mine...I love you Ken..mom
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