obsessing
I can't seem to distract myself from my son's recent diagnosis. Maybe it has to do with when I was young and my mom had to deal with her two bipolar siblings. Being the eldest of seven I was exposed to all the worries and troubles my mom had to endure in trying to help her mom deal with these two adult off-the-wall people. My mom's brother and sister's problems came to light (I think) around the same time. There was lots of drama and my mom was a mess in the middle of all of it.
Anyway, I was around twelve when I went with my sister, grandparents, and a host of other relatives to a Expo fair in Canada. The main reason we went was to watch my mom's younger sister's husband (uncle by marriage) run in a race. This event was when I first noticed my aunt (mom's older sister) acting strangely. Although I really didn't know her very well (or had spent any significant time together) I knew by the way she was behaving was out of character for her. Typically she seemed to have a serious personality but this particular time I noticed that she was acting as if she were drunk. Very talkative and giddy. Strange. I also clearly remember my grandmother's reaction toward her that day when she questioned my aunt as to why her two year old (adopted) daughter was wearing PJ bottoms under her dress; as my grandma (Nana) held the baby. Based on my Nana's tone of voice ~ I could tell she was very concerned about my aunt. I don't recall if I shared this whole experience with my mom until much later.
That was the beginning. Soon after I remember how distressed my mom was trying to help her mom (my Nana) with her sister and her brother and also trying to take care of her 7 children. It was affecting all of us.
One day, in particular, I remember when my uncle was visiting us at our house (I think he was in his late 20's) and him laying on our couch, obviously depressed. It was upsetting to me and weird because he was always so warm and loving (my favorite uncle). Not that it matters I believe it was Thanksgiving time (a time when people are supposed to happy and thankful) but he was so down. I think it was at that time he trying to deal with going through a divorce too.
It also didn't help the situation that my grandfather didn't believe this mental illness stuff so he was of no help; therefore my grandma depended on my mom for support since she was the only one that lived close enough. My mom's other siblings? They lived out of state but did a lot of arm chair coaching that made matters worse for my mom. One was (still is) a family therapist and had all the answers. My mom never cared for her - mainly because she was a know-it-all. Her other sibling (my other uncle) was a pharmaceutical salesman and he was the same way. So needless to say it was stressful. She since has broken ties with them and I don't think they really know why.
*BTW - I found out only about a year ago that my bipolar uncle was also an alcoholic. My brother, whose been in recovery for 16 years, revealed this to me because he found out, after chatting with my uncle, that they had been to some of the same AA meetings but not at the same time. My bother didn't tell me this until after my uncle died. Prior to his death, from lung cancer, my uncle was able to beat his demons, found the woman of his dreams, and later married her after getting the diagnosis. They were married for about two years before he passed away. Finally his life was serene. Good that he was able to enjoy it some, bad that didn't occur until he hit his 50's. He died around 60 years old.
So maybe some of this stuff is resurfacing? Maybe that's why it's hitting me so hard. Mind you ~ my son has the milder version - bipolar 2 (thank God) but still. With the drinking it certainly is complicating things. He's also grouchy toward me lately. I hate it.
I know that this is fresh and I will adjust so it's good I have outlets to get it out, such as writing in this journal. People tell me all the time how strong I am. I don't know if it's strength or if it's the fact that I just feel numb. Not sure ~ but after writing this I guess I do have feelings because I felt the emotion while writing. Feel better.....
Anyway, I was around twelve when I went with my sister, grandparents, and a host of other relatives to a Expo fair in Canada. The main reason we went was to watch my mom's younger sister's husband (uncle by marriage) run in a race. This event was when I first noticed my aunt (mom's older sister) acting strangely. Although I really didn't know her very well (or had spent any significant time together) I knew by the way she was behaving was out of character for her. Typically she seemed to have a serious personality but this particular time I noticed that she was acting as if she were drunk. Very talkative and giddy. Strange. I also clearly remember my grandmother's reaction toward her that day when she questioned my aunt as to why her two year old (adopted) daughter was wearing PJ bottoms under her dress; as my grandma (Nana) held the baby. Based on my Nana's tone of voice ~ I could tell she was very concerned about my aunt. I don't recall if I shared this whole experience with my mom until much later.
That was the beginning. Soon after I remember how distressed my mom was trying to help her mom (my Nana) with her sister and her brother and also trying to take care of her 7 children. It was affecting all of us.
One day, in particular, I remember when my uncle was visiting us at our house (I think he was in his late 20's) and him laying on our couch, obviously depressed. It was upsetting to me and weird because he was always so warm and loving (my favorite uncle). Not that it matters I believe it was Thanksgiving time (a time when people are supposed to happy and thankful) but he was so down. I think it was at that time he trying to deal with going through a divorce too.
It also didn't help the situation that my grandfather didn't believe this mental illness stuff so he was of no help; therefore my grandma depended on my mom for support since she was the only one that lived close enough. My mom's other siblings? They lived out of state but did a lot of arm chair coaching that made matters worse for my mom. One was (still is) a family therapist and had all the answers. My mom never cared for her - mainly because she was a know-it-all. Her other sibling (my other uncle) was a pharmaceutical salesman and he was the same way. So needless to say it was stressful. She since has broken ties with them and I don't think they really know why.
*BTW - I found out only about a year ago that my bipolar uncle was also an alcoholic. My brother, whose been in recovery for 16 years, revealed this to me because he found out, after chatting with my uncle, that they had been to some of the same AA meetings but not at the same time. My bother didn't tell me this until after my uncle died. Prior to his death, from lung cancer, my uncle was able to beat his demons, found the woman of his dreams, and later married her after getting the diagnosis. They were married for about two years before he passed away. Finally his life was serene. Good that he was able to enjoy it some, bad that didn't occur until he hit his 50's. He died around 60 years old.
So maybe some of this stuff is resurfacing? Maybe that's why it's hitting me so hard. Mind you ~ my son has the milder version - bipolar 2 (thank God) but still. With the drinking it certainly is complicating things. He's also grouchy toward me lately. I hate it.
I know that this is fresh and I will adjust so it's good I have outlets to get it out, such as writing in this journal. People tell me all the time how strong I am. I don't know if it's strength or if it's the fact that I just feel numb. Not sure ~ but after writing this I guess I do have feelings because I felt the emotion while writing. Feel better.....
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