Observing My Own Reactions

 
Yesterday I experienced a tidal wave of emotions & I'm still trying to work through all of it. So this may be long.
 
My youngest sister just wrote a blog post about depression & anxiety: how she struggled with it & how she's worked through it. She closed with encouraging readers to force themselves to reach out because there are others who really love & care about them.
 
The post really moved me, partly because it made me sad to know that my sister struggled with this, partly because I never knew so that I'd be able to "be there" for her, and also because she demonstrated courage to post about something like this.
 
So I commented on her blog, quoting her part about how others care & said "that includes your sister [me], even though she's bad at picking up the phone herself (though she has issues too)" and I commended her on opening herself up in the post, since I feel it's hard to "reveal the chinks in my armor". Her response? "Ha, ha, so true."
 
Oh, that sent me into an emotional tailspin! Here I was, offering support in her vulnerability, being vulnerable myself, and I get a "ha, ha, so true"??? So off I went into a pity party, lumping her in with "mean sister", certain that hey believe that I'm an idiot, an embarrassment of a sister & that they don't want a relationship with me, they simply tolerate me. Why should I bother being nice? Why should I be vulnerable? I cried silently into my pillow, beginning to nurse a headache.
 
Then I tried some even breathing & stepped back from my emotions a little & started to talk a little reason to myself. WHAT was my problem--why was I so easily triggered over 4 words? I realized that it's now "that time" & part of it is probably hormonal. I also reminded myself that it's so hard to get someone's full intent from things like emails/posts/etc. I really can't ascribe an entire attitude from just 4 lousy words! Then I asked why I was really mad & the answer was: because I was vulnerable & supportive & I felt I was being dismissed as unimportant.
 
Now, while it may very well be true that this could be the case, here's the thing: it was my decision to be vulnerable & supportive because I care & because I'd like the same extended to me ("do unto others"). I can't control other's responses/feelings/actions. But I can choose to act in a caring way because that's the kind of person I want to be. I don't have to let others' acceptance or rejection of what I do control my future actions. I'm the one that controls me. And they control themselves.
 
Of course, that's not to say that if she makes it clear that she does not accept my reaching out, that I will continue to "take it". If I am continually dismissed/invalidated/rejected, then I'm just "casting pearls to swine". Then I don't have to give her the gift of a good relationship with me. (Note that this is the point to which I'm getting with "mean sister". But I have to remind myself that each relationship is different.)
 
And I also have to realize that I can't force a relationship or even a good relationship with either sister. Just as Leslie Vernick advises, "you can make a bad marriage better by yourself, but you can't make it into a good marriage by yourself", so it is with any relationship. I can only do my part & if it doesn't "work", then I need to accept that, grieve appropriately & move on.