Oblivion
Today, I am in so much emotional pain. I realize I have been for awhile. I was on my way to work this morning and the only thing I could think about was getting thru this day and getting to the bar after work and drinking myself numb. I have not felt this pain since I lost a close friend almost a year ago. It always seems to be centered around loss. Everytime I get close to people I lose them.
I don't want to be alone but I can't bear this emotional pain anymore.
Replies
You are far from alone, Sage. Rocking you gently and crying with you. . . NO FUCKING FAIR! ! !
If only booze numbed the emotional pain as effectively as it numbs physical pain. . . Every drunk I've ever put to bed was feeling nothing BUT that emotional pain by the time they passed out. Is it an honest compensation that they can't remember their drama from the night before?
I don't know anymore. But honestly I know why there are so many alcoholics in the world. Ive never had trouble with drinking but the last year has been so stressful that I find myself wanting to escape more and more. The man I'm living with doesn't have a clue. I can't talk to him. He doesn't know the many times Ive stopped at the bar just to numb myself out. He doesn't know Ive made him part of the problem.
That I could have a nice man and not be in love with him. That I had a man I was in love with and I lost him. That given another chance I might be reckless, and give up what little I have just to be with the right person...just to feel that happiness.
I doesn't know but I often believe that I would be one of those alcoholics if my metabolism permitted. Anesthetize me, please. I am not even close to convinced that my stone cold sober reactions to the insanity of life is one iota superior to my sister's slow suicide by alcohol or my brother's suicide by drugs. They, at least, have a socially acceptable excuse for the behavior and their bouts of lashing out are far less targeted than mine are and the sobriety makes the episodes harder to forget.
My cross-culture friends who are in arranged marriages often tell me the challenge is to love the one you marry. They hold our divorce rates as proof that marrying The One You Love is far easier than loving the one you marry, regardless of how you came together.