Ouch

OMG, I am just completely drained emotionally. I didn't think anything could be any worse then when my husband passed, but at least then I was in complete shock and my body numbed me. This is sooooo fucking difficult to watch this tiny little boy go though. Its like take me and let him live. My heart is just breaking. No child should have to endure so much. I have been just crying for days now. A good thing maybe, because tears have always been hard for me to do. I have always had to be the strong one. Right now I just don't give a fuck about being strong. They just keep sticking him with needles over and over. Fuck I hate this!!! Thank God he is a little fighter. All that fucking stuborn Irish blood going though his veins for once is a good thing. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I just want them to unhook him from everything so I can bring him home. He has been the sunlight of my days since the day he was born. He got my daughter off all the fucking prescription drugs that her doctors have been giving her for depression. She has been a live again for the first time in years. We knew he wasn't going to be perfect well before he was born, but a special gift directly from God. So I am so frustrated why God would be dong this. Fuck, I just can't stop crying. It all just hurts so much. He still can't breath by himself. I can't even hold him because of all of the equipment hooked up to him. I can't climb in the bed next to him since he is in a crib. I had to stand up on a chair just to be able to kiss his forehead. It's just killing me that I can't at least comfort him. I can only touch his little head and talk to him. All the nurses and doctors are so amazed that when I come that he wakes up when I talk to him. I have never felt such pain before. He even tried to smile when I was playing with his little glow worm. I read to him, and I hate to leave his side, but I had to come home. It was like leaving my own child. Its just tearing me apart. i just have memories of my husband on Thanksgiving feeding him a candy cane and me getting pissed at him for feeding him something he shouldn't have as he hooked up a speaker system in his playpen playing Pink Floud, my favorite band. i suppose God has his own agenda in the works here. If it was tearing me down emotionally, it worked. I'm a fucking mess!!