numb or depressed........

so since yesterday i started feeling really numb and wanted to cut and then i crawled into bed and just started crying my eyes out and i wanted ot cut even more......i wanna fell SOMETHING....ANTHING even if it's pain.....that's when i'm numb.....when i'm depressed i wanna cut to focus on something OTHER than the dpression.....i don't remember the last time i was this depressed.....i have no idea why it's coming out now.....i should be happy....not numb or depressed, holding back tears, fighting the urge to cut......it's hurts.....it hurts to not be able to show my true self.....i dunno....