Nowhere is safe
I haven't added to my journal in a while. I did, however, remove a few entries. Why? Simply put, I told someone I thought it would help, about this site. Afterwards, I started thinking about whether that was wise or not. I was coming from a place where I wanted to share how helpful this site has been for me. In retrospect, perhaps I was too open with someone I shouldn't have been.
I'm not 100% sure that that information wouldn't be used to track this site and my entries down and use them against me emotionally. My journal entires are usually deeply emotional, releases of raw emotions and a way - I think - to purge oneself of previously unspoken words and to vent painful experiences, without accusations being levied for speaking out at all. Just the sort of material my estranged children would see as "manipulation" and "lies", and immediately jump on to warp and use against me. Why do I say that? History has already repeated itself in that regard too many times to count. I have, sadly, no reason to think otherwise.
Does that sound paranoid? Yes. Is it 100% possible? Yes. Is it something my family would do? Yes. Is it something they've done multiple times in the past? Yes. Does that make me paranoid or watchful? In my estimation, watchful.
Is it paranoid to think that someone who has earned mistrust would do something mistrustful? I think not. I think it's "expectation earned by one's own action". I'd like to think people can change. I know I have, with the help and hard work of therapy. I've yet to see it in a lot of others, both in and estranged from my life. I am doing my best to make myself a better person. It's not my job to do so for others. I have learned, I "can't fix everything for everyone". That's their job and the first step is to Want to fix it. So far, as I see it, I am the only one who reached that first step.
Trying to understand the many faucets of people's hurtful actions helps us to cope with those same actions. Trust? Is a completely different thing. Once violated, it may never develop again. I have come to realize, by the events outlined in this entry, and my mental anguish because of it, that it doesn't exist in my life at this time.
I try to stay strong but, sometimes, it's hard. My estranged children have hurt me so deeply and unfairly that I tend to "hide".
I guess I'm having a bad day/week/month.
I'm not 100% sure that that information wouldn't be used to track this site and my entries down and use them against me emotionally. My journal entires are usually deeply emotional, releases of raw emotions and a way - I think - to purge oneself of previously unspoken words and to vent painful experiences, without accusations being levied for speaking out at all. Just the sort of material my estranged children would see as "manipulation" and "lies", and immediately jump on to warp and use against me. Why do I say that? History has already repeated itself in that regard too many times to count. I have, sadly, no reason to think otherwise.
Does that sound paranoid? Yes. Is it 100% possible? Yes. Is it something my family would do? Yes. Is it something they've done multiple times in the past? Yes. Does that make me paranoid or watchful? In my estimation, watchful.
Is it paranoid to think that someone who has earned mistrust would do something mistrustful? I think not. I think it's "expectation earned by one's own action". I'd like to think people can change. I know I have, with the help and hard work of therapy. I've yet to see it in a lot of others, both in and estranged from my life. I am doing my best to make myself a better person. It's not my job to do so for others. I have learned, I "can't fix everything for everyone". That's their job and the first step is to Want to fix it. So far, as I see it, I am the only one who reached that first step.
Trying to understand the many faucets of people's hurtful actions helps us to cope with those same actions. Trust? Is a completely different thing. Once violated, it may never develop again. I have come to realize, by the events outlined in this entry, and my mental anguish because of it, that it doesn't exist in my life at this time.
I try to stay strong but, sometimes, it's hard. My estranged children have hurt me so deeply and unfairly that I tend to "hide".
I guess I'm having a bad day/week/month.
Replies
Ladyhawk...your comment could not have come for a better time for me. I deleted some comments as well.
My son called his sister by accident so he talked to her. She unloaded on him how bad I had been this summer. He didn\'t want to tell me but I did pressure him. I am sure he didn\'t tell me everything but it was enough to know that she is still not a kind and loving daughter.
I promised her my 2011 MKX as I have noted before. The 2014\'s are not out yet........she is impatient........LOL Regardless of what has happened I will keep my promise but the timing will be mine. I want the car I want and until that time she will just have to wait.
I know my ED stalks her nieces...my son\'s kids. My son rarely does social media but my daughter in law does some. One her nieces does some and the other none.
Yes my daughter and her family will use things against me. She mentioned that I have liked or posted things on FB that she doesn\'t like. She Has already told me it was liking that \"respect your elders\" she took it as being directed to her and her family.
You were wise to delect.........\'\'
Thanks for your post...........
Oh, ED also does not like my FB likes etc.......basically I have dropped off FB and just message my friends. I do have a concern about this site.........and think I will change my name. LadyHawk my email is pbiseabreeze@yahoo.com if you would like to send me a personal message.
Excruciating pain! I have felt it and had a daughter now ED acted like I was faking. She made a comment to me and then said I was so confused from the meds that I was on.........codine.........funny I don\'t ever take codine.......I am allergic to it. LadyHawk.......how I wish for the good ole days or at least thought they were. I miss my husband so much...........so much........Thanks for touching base today.........you have helped me.