Now She Tells Me She Is Going To Be Leaving In Two Years Sooner Or Later

Not a good session again.  I’m really sad.  When she called me in she saw I was talking to my guy friend out there and told me that was nice.  Then we talked about it wasn’t snowing much.  She didn’t even know it was going to snow and knew I kept tract of it because she knows I don’t like to drive in it.  Right.  She asked me if I want to cancel for tomorrow with the snow.  No, we’ll see how it is.  I said about coming later but she’s all booked up.  We first mickey-moused talked about the Super Bowl game.  She asked me if I was at a party at my house.  At a party but not at my house this time.  Who did I want to win?  The Saints.  Her too because she roots for the underdog.  I said I’m not into football but like to watch the commercials.  She asked me which was my favorite.  I said last year the Dove with the self-esteem and this years the men’s one kind of did that in parts.    Then I told her how hard it was for me this weekend, really hard – Thursday on.  She shook her head like she knew.  Once I asked her how she thought I felt.  She said angry, hurt and misunderstood.  Right.  I said I want to talk about it but have reservations.  But I don’t want to sit here and look at each other for the hour.  So I have my journal from then and this weekend, I don’t write in between but did this time, with me.  But I’m not sure if I want to read it, or let her.  I’m afraid she’ll think I’m like my friend or my Mom or not like it.  It’s not a letter, it’s a journal.  She suggested for me to read parts of it.  No, I didn’t want to.   I can’t remember how it happened but we started talking about what happened last time – maybe.  I think I said how my Mom and friend did these things to me and I’m afraid she thinks I do them.  She said how invasive they were to me.  I was strong and fought things off but couldn’t fight this off.  Then she said that she grew up with her Mom doing things not good and how she had to go against it.  So, to rebel, she did the opposite of her Mom.  It worked but that’s not good.  Like there is a middle ground.  And that’s what she wants me to do.  And her sister is doing the exact same things to her daughter who is 24 – she confided in her (her niece) about it.  She hates to see this happening.   Then I thought she was going to share more with that because she said that maybe she should tell me about more in her life.  I nodded.  But instead she continued to say her husband lost his job in November and she’s been the breadwinner for the family along with paying for their son’s college.  She’s been working a lot and has more pressure on her.  She sees 30 different clients a week.  She does her own billing and scheduling.  Plus she has to be checked every 3 months now to make sure her cancer hasn’t come back (especially for this first year post).    She doesn’t know what the future will bring.  If the cancer comes back and she’ll need more treatments.  She did fine last time but doesn’t know if it happens again.  She has a doctor’s appointment at the end of the month.  And, if her husband can’t find a job in town they may have to relocate.  I asked if he’s trying in town.  Yes.  Out of town?  No, not yet.  But everything is unsure and she doesn’t know the answers.  She also said that she doesn’t have the patience she normally has.  It was like that’s why she’s pushing harder with me.  And the insurance company hasn’t gotten back to her yet.  They are reviewing the whole case and they don’t think I’m progressing enough.  I told her when I came, almost 3 years ago, I thought it would be the three free and that’s it.  I didn’t know it would last so long.  There’s so much “back” stuff we haven’t gotten to yet.  Others things happen and then we do a little and then back again.  She said we should focus mostly on the “back” stuff and not the current stuff.  No – all these other things need to be dealt with.  She said then the current things will fall into place.  So the insurance company is making her feel like she’s not doing her job.  And they question why I’m not on medicine.  That’s crazy!  Plus they want her to use more labels, she knows I don’t like them and she doesn’t either.  I’m hoping she hasn’t.  I also said how I have progressed – a lot – from the beginning.  After all this, after silences and more looking around the room, she told me that her husband’s family is in California and in 2 years they will be most probably be relocating there anyway.  She has no family here and he does there.  They used to all be here but not anymore.  Her oldest son will be moving there after his explorations in September.    What could I say?  Another stick in the fire.  She said she hated to tell me this but she felt she owed it to me.  She didn’t last time and it would only be fair so that I’m not blind sided.  I asked her to let me know what’s going on both with her husband’s job and her health and she said she would.  She said that’s why she’s pushing harder now.  She wants me to be to a good point.  I said how I’m not now.  No.  She said I have a family in town, I’m from this town, I have friends here, I have time and my religious community.  But I don’t really have them – at least now.  Then she said about percentages.  I said how she has people for her.  She said she’s developed that.  I pointed out that she has a cousin here – she said some third cousins but not close.   She asked me how it would be for me if my husband lost his job and I had cancer.  I told her I know what that job loss is because we went through that a lot.  My husband has had that happen to him at least 10 times.  I didn’t have cancer but I had times that I needed to go to the doctor and couldn’t because I didn’t have insurance.  Or, my kids.  I know what that’s like.  Once I told her she can’t do this.  She smiled.  I think that’s when she told me she hated to have to tell me.    I told her about my friend from junior/high school dying suddenly and we went to the funeral.  And my cousin was going to see her the next night.  You never know.  I asked, I talk to people and find out things – I’m good at that.  It was some kind of rupture in her stomach.  She asked me if I related that to me.  Really, more my Mom because she had an aneurism (like this girl did) and had problems with blockages after that – maybe that’s what it was.  Then we got into talking about names.  I told her maybe we had the same name – what’s the chances of that?  She asked what it was and I told her both and she asked for the spelling to write it down and we talked about why we name people those names.    We talked about people dying early.  My best friend was 46.  My cousin with brain cancer was 50.  It came back 7 years later and they knew they couldn’t do any more treatments.  In thinking now, I hope I wasn’t scaring her about herself.  She said 2 sisters (maybe) had a father, or 2 fathers, who died playing racquetball at the community center nearby at age 40.  Like this girl said, you never know.  It’s scary.  She asked me if I have a lot of cancer in my family.  Some but you don’t have to have it in your family to get it (please no).  The grandmother with the same name (my middle) who died of breast cancer and some cousins.  I have a lot of cousins.  Then she asked me about my Aunt.  I said I’m going to order her candy for Valentine’s Day tomorrow and I should hear from her.  She said she hoped it was going to be a good conversation and that she doesn’t yell at me for anything.  Me, too. I think it was just filler conversation because everything was so silent again.  Earlier than usual - I think, I went to the bathroom and just went without waiting.  Once it popped in my head about the time I could tell something was wrong that one day.  That was in November, after her birthday.  She said her son was missing for a week and her husband lost his job the week before – a double whammy.  I told her I can always tell when something’s wrong.  I’m good at that.    This is what gets me really upset and upset enough to just cry and cry.  First that she will eventually be leaving whether it’s the cancer (hope not that and she said she doesn’t plan on dying) or moving.  That’s really hard.  It’s another person in my life leaving me.  This therapy/client relationship has grown over the years.  So much time invested and so much of me invested – in a good way.  It’s long – or rather long – about 3 years now.  Much longer than I had ever expected.  She’s not a friend but she knows so much about me.  Plus we have so much in common in our lives.  I don’t know for sure, but I bet more than other clients she has.  It makes me feel like I should never get close to people, or share with them about me, because they all end up leaving me in some ways.  It happens way too much!  But the most hurtful thing is I asked her if she moves to northern and my son is there and we are visiting him, can I come visit her?  First she didn’t answer directly and said she doesn’t know what she will be doing.  Something about the licensing doesn’t transfer to that state and has to be earned.  Then I asked again and she said there are guidelines that you can’t be friends with clients.  I told her I wouldn’t be her client anymore.  It’s different.  She didn’t answer directly again.  I don’t get it about this friends thing and guidelines.  Maybe when actively seeing someone but no – not after.  That would be nice, too.  But, I’m saying just to come visit and say hi.  It makes me feel rejected like a throw-a-way.  Very cold.  I feel closer to her than that.  Some contact and not just severed forever.  I would feel erased and forgotten.  That would hurt bad – really bad!!  And wouldn’t she wonder what’s going on with me and how I’m doing?  I would hope so.    Lots more silences and she wanted me to talk.  I didn’t know what to say.  She said how it’s more than I wanted to hear today.  Yeah!  She knows I do appreciate her telling me but it comes as a surprise and makes me feel so badly.  Losing someone again.  Once she said she may be there another 10 years.  I didn’t say but I bet not.  Finally when I did talk I told her I wanted to talk to her about the boundaries thing.  She said I can, we have a few minutes.    She said how I had my boundaries invaded and it effected me.  We need to figure out how it effects my current and future friendships.  I said how I’m really careful not to be like that.  She talked about the example with my son and the phone calls.  She can’t listen anymore.  I can call and she can hear me but not him.  She sees a little boy and she doesn’t know for sure but she thinks the Dad has a tape recorder in his briefcase and he tape records what she says for his lawyer.  And phone conversations, too.  She can’t prove it but it makes her very uncomfortable and she’s surprised his lawyer doesn’t say not to do this.    So I can’t remember anything else.  I feel lost.  I feel alone.  Very much so.  I feel left and abandoned even though it hasn’t happened yet.  But it has because we need to begin the process.  I feel like I’ve lost, am losing, my best friend again.  Someone who’s my best confident and best guidance through my life.  I want to continue to come twice a week.  I want to become more independent.  I do!  But I’m not there yet and I don’t know if I ever will be and that’s so sad.  It makes me want to cry and not stop.  It hurts!  Just another person leaving me and having no contact after that is not right.  Not in this case.  I hope to God she’ll see that, everyone is different.    I need to stop writing this.  I just want to cry, cry, cry, cry.  But I don't because I feel like I’m being a baby about it.  I feel badly about myself.  Again, I hope the roads are OK to go back tomorrow.  I need to talk – if I can.  I’m afraid I won’t be able to and I’ll just cry.  And, then she’ll be gone for a week.  I hate being like this!  I hate it!  I need a better support system – a bigger support system and not just her.  But I don’t have it now and this is all so difficult to deal with by myself.  So hard!