Now she feels guilty!?!
Just had to vent this morning so I can actually get some work done at the office. We are planning to separate at the beginning of the year. Long story but this is what she wants. When everything hit the fan and she decided that she could not be happy with me; I held firm that we could separate but I'm not moving. She assumed that I would move out. Why should I? She is the one that lost "the feeling"; says she can't change her feelings; says it's her time to open to someone else romantically so she has no regrets when she is on her death bed; and has been cheating on me for probably about a year. I agreed to support a new apartment for at least a year so that I could remain in my home with my 2 kids. It's a 3 bedroom apartment close to our home because she still wants to be close to the kids and wants them to have their own room when they come over.
We signed the lease in November so she could have December to get everything ready. I've been trying to go no contact as much as possible but it is hard with her still living in the house. There is no fighting or yelling or anything like that (we've never fought or yelled), but there is awkward tension. I start getting texts today about how overwhelmed she is to get her apartment set up. She has a leaky ceiling...not my problem. She is trying to figure out how to get furniture up to a 3rd floor apartment with no elevator...not my problem. She is now feeling guilty leaving my teenage son alone at home during these last couple of days because she wanted to work on her apartment (he is smart enough to exempt out of some midterm exams so he got two extra days off this week). He is a teenager! He would love to be home alone! She is texting me her logistical problems...I have no clothes in the apartment, I need a table for the TV, I need cable company to come out.
Sorry...but you made your bed and now you have to lie in it...even if there is no frame for the mattress yet or blankets. It is not fair for her to be looking to me for support. She has said in our counseling sessions that she wants me to be more supportive of what she is doing. Our therapist said that was unreasonable for her to expect. She is the one that wants this separation, she is the one that wants this new relationship. For 20 years I've thought 50% of her and 50% of me...now I need to think 100% for me and for my kids. I shouldn't have to worry about this. She should be confiding in her Mom or another friend or her boyfriend.
So NOW she feels guilty about maybe leaving our teenage son during the day. How is she going to feel when she leaves the house permanently. It is so frustrating. I'm trying to keep the peace for now because of the holidays and for the kids but I need her gone so that I can heal. I need to me again.
Whew...feeling a little better
We signed the lease in November so she could have December to get everything ready. I've been trying to go no contact as much as possible but it is hard with her still living in the house. There is no fighting or yelling or anything like that (we've never fought or yelled), but there is awkward tension. I start getting texts today about how overwhelmed she is to get her apartment set up. She has a leaky ceiling...not my problem. She is trying to figure out how to get furniture up to a 3rd floor apartment with no elevator...not my problem. She is now feeling guilty leaving my teenage son alone at home during these last couple of days because she wanted to work on her apartment (he is smart enough to exempt out of some midterm exams so he got two extra days off this week). He is a teenager! He would love to be home alone! She is texting me her logistical problems...I have no clothes in the apartment, I need a table for the TV, I need cable company to come out.
Sorry...but you made your bed and now you have to lie in it...even if there is no frame for the mattress yet or blankets. It is not fair for her to be looking to me for support. She has said in our counseling sessions that she wants me to be more supportive of what she is doing. Our therapist said that was unreasonable for her to expect. She is the one that wants this separation, she is the one that wants this new relationship. For 20 years I've thought 50% of her and 50% of me...now I need to think 100% for me and for my kids. I shouldn't have to worry about this. She should be confiding in her Mom or another friend or her boyfriend.
So NOW she feels guilty about maybe leaving our teenage son during the day. How is she going to feel when she leaves the house permanently. It is so frustrating. I'm trying to keep the peace for now because of the holidays and for the kids but I need her gone so that I can heal. I need to me again.
Whew...feeling a little better
Replies
That is unreasonable of her. If she has a new male friend then she should be going to him for help in the apartment matters. Sorry you are going through this.
My wife left me almost 10 months ago, left me and our 17 yr old daughter and 2 dogs and cat etc and hooked up immediately with her new boyfriend. Screw her and her guilt. The best thing u can do is go no contact as much as humanly possible once she gets her butt out. My ex has tossed me breadcrumbs for far too long. Last time I talked to her a couple weeks ago I told her I don\'t want to talk anymore. It just prolongs healing and helps her feel less guilty to think she is doing some semblance of parenting. She also got an apartment with a bedroom for our daughter who has NEVER spent the night there and has no interest in doing so. Let her walk and take care of her own damn ceiling and bed frame. She won\'t appreciate any help you give her I learned that the hard way. Good luck
Really, she thinks you should help her move? She has a leaky ceiling...call the landlord. You carry the furniture up three floors or hire a mover. You go buy a bedframe at the store. She is trying to get you to feel sorry for her and help. Don\'t do that.
As soon as she\'s out of the house your reply should be not my problem when she tries to dump things back on you.
I hope things have panned out for you over the last couple of weeks. Decoupling is one of the hardest things to go through and while it sounds illogical, she is use to relying on you. Even though she wants to leave, she\'s struggling, just like you are. She\'s obviously made a mess of what was once a tidy life and I can imagine that she might be wishing she could back-pedal.
I hope you find a solution to this problem.