November 2024

Just when I was hoping things will continue to move forward the unmentionable happens. Sat November 2 I lost my best friend that kept me from ending my life many times as she was there for me but now I don't know what to do as I lost my only support person. Yes the inevitable came to be when I lost my step-mother this day. I was devastated to learn that she past away. I was trying to figure out what to do in case that happened but I never came up with a solution to my problem. I managed to get off from work at both places using my time that I had accumulated and even Walmart had bereavement pay which I took advantage of. But I had to go back on set to work in Happy Gilmore 2. Even though it relaxed me to a certain degree. But I kept on thinking about Monday when I just was about to give up on myself and yes I though I had my mind in control, I didn't I lost it grabbing the blade and thinking about doing it again. I called my therapist and I was glad that she was able to answer my call for help after having a conversation with someone that triggered my mind. I still don't understand what satisfaction she get in doing this to me. I am still afraid to stand up to her.

For the schedual at my jobs my hours at Arby's are down as I am working 14 hours. I am upset which the insurance will be taking my whole paycheck but at least I have 24 hours at Walmart but the next follow week I have 14 hours. I really didn't want to use the paychecks from the movie to survive off of. But I will leave it in God's hands to pull me thru in hopes that I will have enough to survive the 2 weeks to pay all my bills. I did however put in to work for Gilmore 2 again for Wed, I just hope that I can get, at least it will give me another pay check to work with. I feel like I am spiraling down. losing my stepmother, hours being cut at both jobs and on top of that the group sessions that I have at Mosaic are talking about getting rid of people that can't show up every week which I feel is unfair and unjustified because I don't live in the same state and sometimes I am unable to come up there every week because of my hours being cut at work. I need to find out from someone who can help me out here. some documentation on therapy, but who! I am determined. That will be my next goal. but at the time I didn't seem necessary to pursue it but I am going to have to bring it up from the back burner. Communication with my family still hasn't changed, I just feel that it continues to get worse and with my step-mother passing away it seems that the past keeps coming up once again and always gets brought into the subject again. I still haven't seen my boys, Merle called me one night to help pay for Vanne's wisdom teeth extraction which I can only come up with $250 I wish I could give more but that was all I had, I drove up late Tues after working at Walmart. I had hoped she would let me sleep till daylight but never offered until I got back to the house, I would have stayed just until then. It would have given me a chance to see my kids. With everything that happened at my step-mother's service I don't think I will be dog sitting and the time I am going to be using won't be enough to pay my monthly bills and it would have been a waste but I will see what happens when the time comes for me to watch them I just hope I didn't take off unnecessarily. November I can say that nothing good came out of the month, fighting to stay in group. I am tired of fighting for everything that I need.