November,2023

Well the holidays are fast approaching and I am just barely holding on to a thread. I think about it every time while I am at work, watching people hold hands, laughing, hugging each other. I miss those days having someone one to hug and hold only to be around nothing. It is getting hard to hold on to reality only to be fighting myself. I am getting tired that I just want to quit. Maybe what they say about writing your family off will be the best way to overcome your feelings but to write them off will be another problem in it's self. I always wonder what to do should I move keep moving forward or just give up. Danielle feels that she should just give up being a lone is to much to handle and always thinking about them and my grand kids that I probably won't ever see. I know that I would be better off saying good bye to everyone, I am tired as Daniel keeps telling me that we can get through this and maybe we will find someone that would love us. He is also trying to remind me that we are getting somewhere in our modeling career. It would seem that now Daniel is now fighting for us unlike his fight of stopping me from having the surgery done. I guess he is kind of enjoying doing the modeling himself. One thing for sure we both are upset that our kids will not allow me to see them or my grandkids. It hurts to much to even mention it but I can not even stop myself from doing it I end up crying. It just hurts to badly. I even thought of reaching out to my grandson's mother but I am afraid of the rejection or if there is any truth behind on what Merle has told me. I really don't know what to believe from her as well. I thoughts from her is will she start accepting me for who I am and maybe we can all sit down in front of each other as I try to explain for the reason why I did what I did. I feel that I understand myself for the reasons why I made such a move to transition into a female during these past 4 years of my life, Even after the surgery feeling the amount of joy that I have felt and over the past 3 years being one, even though I look like and pass as a female on the outside I know that I am male on the inside as my bone structure will never change, meaning the pelvic area. I can say that I am happy with my life so far most of the time. Yes most of the time because I have no one to share my experiences with as I am all alone in that department. It is kind of funny that I use to say that I have strangers that care about me and I am not saying the doctors that treat me or monitoring me as I move along with my life as they are bound to treat me in case something happens to me health wise. So far I am having issues with one as I am waiting for answers to my letter about the negligence of one doctor who hasn't sent me my referral to get a mammogram done, I am still waiting to get it.

The holiday's is hard enough and I am so tired that I am just going to give up. I am tired of crying and not knowing what my family is doing. I love my family so dearly and now they can go on living their own lives. I hope that it will be easy for me to just close my eyes and never wake up again just to endure the pain and hurt. The plan is going to take place and I will not gag taking them as I will slowly digest the ingredients. It will be a nice way to go out. I am tired and now I won't have to worry about what the next day will bring me, so far it's been heartbreaking and depressing. But when will the correct time come?? It's just like Merle always says I love Daniel not Danielle but she wouldn't do the things she has done to me, making herself to be a good person.