November 18,2021

Things are still going down hill.

November has been an ok month, I was able to see my two boys again within a couple weeks which was nice. But I managed to talk to Robert this time about why he was mad at me. He told me that it was because he and everyone else had every right to be mad at me because I left, but trying in my heart to actually give the whole truth I knew would slam his mother, so I just told him that I had to leave because of medical issues which was the truth but not all of it. I don't think I would be able to say the complete truth to any of my kids because they will only side with their mother. In their eyes she can't do no wrong. Or just draw a blind eye in everything she does knowing that it's wrong. November is hers and I am not invited up for Thanksgiving dinner the actual thanksgiving because everyone is going to be there , I feel that it is not fair to me because we are suppose to be family but I feel that Merle has  gotten everyone believing that I was the culprit to the problem.  It is what it and I can't change things I could but to keep the peace I am not going to proceed. But as of January 1,2022 the next time I go up I am going up as Danielle and Not Daniel. I know what will happen but I must move forward with my life.

I am still waiting my date with the court to expunge Daniels name of the felony conviction as I am also looking to find someone to help me with the divorce but these lawyers only want money up front like $5000 to start which I feel is going to be an easy divorce that is if she doesn't contest it but when If she does what then then I just need a lawyer to do help me to move it forward. I just feel that its to much for me to handle , but if this requires a court appearance I am going to be Danielle. I want to move on with my life as I do not see myself having another relationship with anyone else and also don’t want her to have more ammunition or more wood to the fire.

Can't be around for thanksgiving and it will probably be the same for Christmas as well. But in the mean time I am trying to prepare myself for my daughters wedding day but I know deep down that I am not going to handle it and the end result would be the death of me.  Being twice but a little further than Gabby's wedding that I couldn't give her awy or have the Father and Daughter dance that I looked forward to when they came into the world.

Keep thinking to myself Did I actually do something wrong to deserve this treatment. I try to think back and the only thing I can think of is with Katlin  I was trying to help these girls on how to save on buying cosmetics and not to buy the cheap crap, I so much regret that day and with Gabby forgetting to remove the mascara off my face . That is the only thing I do remember happening that would cause this but as time progressed none of them forgot about it they keep enduring it every single day knowing that it is hurting me everyday but My feelings is that they don't care and getting their thrills on what it is doing to me. I know that I am not going to have the ability to continue after that date. Its just to much pain to bear anymore if things don't change. It will be the last day as I will not say my goodbye's, I do not want anyone to know what I am doing and to have them try to stop me. I do know that my last days are counting down and they won't care but one thing for sure I will leave as Danielle but they won't care about me, I wanted to have my life to end back in August because of the pain I am living with everyday knowing how much they hate me. I can't change the past but the future they can just go about their business and care less about me, I will just be looking at them having a party o celebrate that I am gone. They wouldn't care. They wouldn’t care that I am alive let alone being dead. I don't want anyone to stop, I am not going to when or where this will happen for al I know that my body would decay somewhere. Yes I am giving up, there is no help for me so what is the purpose of living any more. Its like what Merle told me I am just like my father a cheater and a liar and a thief. I know what to do. Know one can help after 2 years. I am back the way I was when I was a teenager a lone and I will die alone as well. I failed myself as I promised that I wouldn't be alone and that I would find a someone that will love me for who I am. I am sorry Danielle to do this I know that it wasn't long being myself but I feel if I do this I wont 'feel the pain anymore it will be over..