November 16, 2008

Kevin called today to "see how I was doing."  He apologized for letting Hanna do heroin.  He told me that she is the farthest thing from a junkie and that none of the money that anyone in my family had given her was used for drugs.  But, that is ridiculous...like trying to separate the eggs from a cake.  To anyone in their right mind, that is a ludicrous premise.  He says they just spent her college loan money and his paychecks on drugs.  He tells me that her plan is to live with him when she gets out.  He is currently sleeping on his dad's couch and doesn't have a car.  She will have no job and no money when she gets out.  She's refused to live in a sober living home and seems to just plan to return to exactly what she was doing the day before I bought her a plane ticket to Florida 4 weeks ago.   I'm trying to work the Naranon program.  Being around other parents who are going through the same things as me was a great thing.  I know that I cannot control her and that I can't prevent her crisis.  I just wonder why I have become the monster in this whole chaotic mess.  I'm the one who has supported her through every difficult situation that she's ever been in.  I'm the one who bought the plane ticket, who sent care packages. who sent visa cards and many many letters.  Kevin tells me about the family sessions that he's having with Hanna and her counselor.  Is he fucking kidding me?  He's the family they want to plan her future with?  Another heroine addict who's living on his father's couch???  She's a brilliant college student who wanted to go to law school.  What the hell is going on?  I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole.   I wrote her a letter telling her that I wished her the best and that I'd be here to listen if she ever decided she needed or wanted to talk to me again....and I sent her a Visa gift card.  Baby steps.