November

Well it is the last day of November and we are about to enter the last month of the year as well. Over all this month has not been to bad for me, still out on disability since the open heart surgery. But I feel that not only to repair my clogged artery passage ways but it hasn't repaired the heart for the of it's brokenness as it still feels the emptiness from within. The feelings that I have for Merle is still strong even though her admittance of her being in the wrong has not change at all. Still feels that she was the victim in this relationship. But I know it wasn't all me or maybe it wasn't me at all. I really have not sat down and thought about it or maybe I should. Things haven't changed with my daughters Kaitlin and Gabby. I still haven't seen Kaitlin since I left in 2019 I always wonder how she is doing, I still get reports from her mother that she has so, so days being with Matt but it never in depth but merle always has to inform me that she doesn't want to see me or even be around me. For the life of me I would really want to know the reason for this anger towards me. I really do not trust Merle in what she says as in believing her as well. She maybe covering up her words just to keep me from getting more upset in knowing the truth. As I mention to Merle months before the truth will eventually come out.

I had my disability extended for another month due to pressure in my upper left side of my chest and still experiencing shortness of breath. On top of that I ended up getting an urinary track infection of all things to get, at least I caught it early.

During this whole month I have been trying to figure out if things will be back to normal with my chest but so far it hasn't, still experiencing shortness of breath when doing menial tasks at hand having to stop sometimes to get my breathing. I have the feeling that I will never fell normal again as my chest has been compromised. The reason I say that because I am constantly feeling pressure on my left side and I also noticed a developing cough that is starting to get irritating.

This month was also surprising I took a trip to Newark New Jersey to meet a couple of ladies which was no big surprise that they never bothered to show up but the one non big surprise was that between the two of them the lack of asking for money from me was constant. I also have to learn not to get my hopes up only to get a huge disappointment later. So with a search on google maps I found a place where I could explore like the mall which behind the hotel where I was staying at as spent some time in. I was amazed on how huge it was that I got lost trying to find or remember where I parked the car. Over all it was a nice visit but got depressed when I didn't accomplish my goal in meeting the to lady's or where they women. Lol. I will say this it helped in someway to keep my mind of the up coming holiday Thanksgiving but it didn't prepare me for what was coming. Merle came up with the idea of me having thanksgiving dinner early because apparently Katlin won't show up if I am there. So I spent several day with my two boys spending money that I didn't have or I should say to much that that I have gone over my 30% limit on several cards. But to honest the one card I had no choice to do it due to the fact that inspired brands where talking about terminating my health benefits even though I was making payment on what I could afford but I ended up withdrawing $500 off of one card to pay them but the last round of check that I got I had to pay the car payment and the insurance to stay legal and to keep me from falling behind in my car payments which now I went from being a month ahead to the payment due or else I will fall behind I hope to get that extra month back. As for the credit cards well I am down to making the monthly payment just to keep it current unlike before I would pay them off in a certain time frame to keep them from charging me an interest fee. During that week I also paid for the food in order for me to have a Thanksgiving meal using 100 dollars of my food stamps to get the food needed. I kept on asking her if I could stay and spend dinner with my family instead of going to the gathering with trans- way I did have somewhat of a good time there but it wasn't the same as being with my family. I am hurting and depressed but I do not know how much longer I can do this. The Pain and all the crying that I have been doing is getting to much for me even with me talking to others about how I am feeling is getting to much for me to handle. What can I do for myself to save myself. I just don't want to save myself I just want to end. It's just to much not being able to spend the holiday's with my kids or my kids hating me for leaving their mother. What was I suppose to do?? Let her keep on abusing me every day complaining about my paycheck or seeing a doctor. She went from caring to ignoring me. Pushing me away all the time drawing more attention to Annette making me think that should have married her instead of me. Every day I was pushed aside as her discussion was always directed to Annette. I do not understand why I am feeling this way. I should be over it by now. But no I am not as I am still sulking about it. I have to find a way to get me to stop but what, how and why. I just keep trying to let her get underneath my skin that Merle always trip my breakers in my mind causing me towards suicide. But now I am getting tired of that as well that I feel like I am moving closer in doing it. Which saddens me the most.