November 10, 2012

That was the last time I was here. 
Now, after almost three years, I found myself kind of lost again and remember this place, this website. This saved my life. If I hadn't had everything this gave to me, I might had killed myself. It's a strange feeling, to be back, and realise how things turned out.
For instance, it doesn't feel like three years has passed. I fight against the same problems as before, though it got 50 times better, I still have bad and hard times. But I changed, life isn't hopeless anymore, it's something else, I'm getting through.
I guess what I want to say is that how we feel, what we have to live with, it doesn't dissapear, never. We learn from it, learn to live with it, most of the time I count myself lucky because it finally decided to let go of me. That's how I see it, the distrust, the agony, emptyness, they never went away, but I don't fight them anymore, I don't refuse to life a life like this. I accept the negative side of life, because things are going to be hard and sometimes lifeless and I might lose everything - all this reality made me paralysed 3 years ago - but I learned to move. I thought that being chained to this world by chains of pain and dispair could only end one way, it would be the end for me, I wanted nothing else more. But I learned that I could move my life forward by pulling on those chains, because I'm going somewhere, even if I'm not free, I'm take the chains with me, I'm taking the world.
Everyday hurts. Hurts to breath, hurts to think, but I'm happy nonetheless. 
Because now I have my truth, a strenght inside my heart, the knowledge that I once lost everything, I didn't have even to will to live, I was ready to say my goodbyes, be done and finally rest, I wanted some kind of silence. I would like to say I had found it, along the way. Honestly, I never encountered it, maybe when I do die, but I'm not eager anymore. 
There was a moment, back in 2013, where I finished a course in computer science, where I lost my way again. I had tried to study, work, I finished it all and then I had nothing again. I was getting by, suicide still very present in my mind. I went to school thinking about it, what I would write my classmates in my goodbye letter. From 2012 to 2013 I went to that school and everyday I thought about my letter and if it would make a difference. I made sure to copy every group task to their flashdrive, 'cause I wanted them to have it in case I killed myself during the night.
When I graduated, the thought that did it for me was: 'They will never know I died now'.I asked myself, what do I want? End it didn't seems to be good enough anymore, I was lonely before, but much more than that I was desattached. Somehow, though, I started to connected to other people. In was on the last month of 2013 that I knew I wouldn't be able to kill myself, not if nothing new and truly terrible happened. I couldn't just exist anymore, I also had to be something, someone, a part of this world, since I was staying. 
It is very delicate, the process of coming out of deep depression. It is mostly just actions, not much intent. It is taking a chance, without expectations. Maybe people who have never had depression wouldn't believe, but it is possible to not have expectations, to not care about the outcome, but to me in that moment, it was natural, I couldn't expect anything if I wanted. It's like jumping into a river. Normally, people would expect to emerge and start swimming. But I really couldn't care less if I drowned, I just wanted to be in the water.
That's why I say it's a strange feeling, because it isn't funny or healthy really, it just is.
I asked myself what did I wanted to be in this world. I asked myself to think about the future and cried when I realised how many years I spent believing that I didn't had one.
I decided that I didn't want to go without a legacy. I want to help the world somehow. I wanted to help my family, give back what the good they gave me.
Also, yes, I came to terms with my family situation. It went pretty much like I reported before. I know I don't fit with them, but I see them as good friends, bound by name, but not much else. They work much better as friends, which made me realise that maybe we need friends more than family.i didn't had a caring father or a brave mother, but I accepted it, they never existed to me. Instead, I have good, loyal friends whom I live with, I know and accept their flaws, since I don't have to look up to them anymore, and made it very clear where they stood with me, I insisted on telling them. I found myself in equal footing, at last. 
I wanted to go to college, so I worked my b-tt off to save money. 2014 was the year when everything went right. I found a job, saved money, started driving lessons, had something more substantial and recent to put on my resumé, was accepted at my first choice of college. 
In 2015 I started college (computer science) and an internship. With the money I saved I could pay for my first semester, but I see myself not having ends meet, I don't have time to clean my own room and do my laundry, I'm worried about failing one of my classes or my job. Everything could cramble, I could lose everything again. But you know what? I have gone through worse, much much worse. That's what I always think when those moments came about in the last 1 and a half year.
Because now I have things going on in my life, I get to focus on them, I have people counting on me and if I fail, if I lose everything? I'll deal with it, like I have done before. Now I know I can, I believe I can, 'cause I have seen it. I know where the end is, I got so close, that's why I know losing college or the internship isn't it. I know I'm save being who I'm now, guess they call it self-awareness. I'm glad.
I'm looking into alternatives to earn extra money. I'm a realist, so I'll know when to admit failure. Even then, I'll never stop pursuiting this, 'cause this isn't my dream anymore, nothing to be shattered. It's my plan, my goal, it can only be delayed.  What abstacles can stop me now? They all tried, all I overcome. Only death can stop me now, and I don't mind the thought.
What reminded me of this website is that even though I came such a long way, I still need something I always found here: organization. I needed to stop and think, write it out. It worked.
So thank you, DailyStrenght. For saving my life, for being here, always, when I need.
*Turned out I do have a regular sleep schedule now. Hahaha.