Nov 2009-October 2010

I can't deal with this life no more I think I wanna be a pirate => lol but seriously....

November 5, 2009

SO because the bitch is back old landlord  is who I am referring  to in this part  I am thinking of taking off again well we are I just hate what our life is becoming.

stress, ex- friends  turning their backs on us ,and this dam court thing dam I just want some peace and I am not going to get it hear, sure my mom will disown me again, but I just can't deal with this stupid crap any more. Any one want to come with us Were just going to become pirates arggg!

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November 8, 2009

Headed to nature preserve today was really nice, and peaceful took pictures

some of the pics I took was of the nature there. Some are of the ocean, the canal ,and the nature around

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Sunday night I had the best night of fishing ever

November 10, 2009

I caught 5 big catfish and one medium size salt water trout what a rush. The biggest one was a bull cat fish it was a beauty I had to let it go though safely. fish and game warden came by didn't have a license (rolled eyes)

damn oh well

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Do you care, or are you just saying that?

November 13, 2009

Every thing is quiet the storm has ceased

I hate it when my so called friends brings me to my knees

I think of many things laying in bed things left unsaid

God To have a mute ,or reverse button in my head!

I sure wish I could go back and live in the middle ages that would be cool

at least then I wouldn't be treated like a lil' fool.

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Don't expect for anyone to respond to this but I need help I need...?

November 16, 2009

But I need to write this because right now I don't know where to turn to the friends I had let me down in a bad way I got to let this out though Otherwise I will tell my husband what I think of him and Don't think that would be wise I have a terrible temper when it comes to him ! Ok hear goes my husband

why did you have to have weed on you?!

why can't you think before you act?!

I resent you so much because you can't get off of it

Your going to have to pay over $3000 or more court fines because of the weed how r we going to pay that off?!

were losing our house as well what are we going to do if you don't pay your fines and end up in jail

I am so mad at you right now and you want to run from the law and you want us to come with w.t.f!

I am so mad at you

I hate you for what you brought down on this family!!!!

Mad.....at you J.

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November 17, 2009

I am so mad you tell me you will leave and not come back till the cops stop looking for you and you will come back for us then. WHAT?!

You then tell me I'll get over you and to find someone else that I deserve better?!*#! W.T.F! WHAT AM I going to tell your son?

then I am so mad at there so called f..ng lawyer?! they expect him to pay the fines, do community service, and have money to take the urine test how the hell can we pay that when we are barely making ends meet?! I am so mad at you dam it what are we suppose to do damn you how are we going to do that!? my resentment for you is just growing and growing why do you do the things you do I am so mad at my husband right now I just can't look at him He ask me do I still love him and I honestly can't answer him dam it I hate him for this and those dam lawyers fuck! Fuck!

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Vodka anyone!?

November 18, 2009

I AM slipping and I know but I can't seem to hold on any more .I just want to let go and fall into the deep blue of oblivion I am really trying very hard to hold on....but I just want to let go I don't see the silver lining no more .I use to see it, but the tunnel it's closing in you know when a surfer rides inside the wave well that is what I feel like, but the waves are crashing in oh god I feel like I am going to drown! More then a half a bottle down what is there to stop me from drinking the rest ? I am slipping, but I am just not caring I believe in god , yes but where is he .I have nothing against anyone just myself why do I care so much why torture myself....because I can Vodka anyone I am downing it heart hurting do I care? No

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I Talk to him almost everyday...

November 19, 2009

He is not my husband he calls himself my friend because he reads my poems and looks at my pic's on mocospace.com

he doesn't live hear on M.J -Myjournal.com. but he is always sending me e-cards he listens to my heart he is what I think about when I make love to my spouse is it wrong to want to feel something in my heart when it has felt dead for such a long time I am tired of crying bitter tears oh if I had to go back n time I am not so sure I would do what I did.

god if your there I wanna tell you I feel like giving up bring on the bitter taste of complete hopelessness forgive me but I want to walk away I want to feel love not resentment I am out of love for my spouse I am tired of the struggle it is just not worth it no more.

side note the guy I was referring to was a complete ass and just wanted a free place to stay in Florida rot in hell Raymond!

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My husbands court case was today={

November 20, 2009

They gave him $2000

in just court fines ,and the probation fines dam who knows how much that is. how *#$!*! lovely! Christmas  it  should be canceled, we still got to find a place to live at, and now if we drive these dam citrus county cops know our vehicle. don't ever get pulled over by cops hear with them and the county hear all they care about is money that is it! more later been a long day

outte

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So the guy I met on moco.com asked me to dinner I say no guess what happened?!

November 23, 2009

He knows I am married my answer had to be no. It wasn't because I didn't want to go to a nice dinner with a attractive man ,you know a real dinner with real dishes and not plastic! I just really looking for a best friend to text message ,chat with ,and innocent flirting is it so wrong to want to feel special and forget my current reality is that so wrong!?

well since I said no I have heard nothing from him dam it! why do I dare trust anyone they only end up hurting you! Dam I know why hermits are hermits because it beats being hurt over, and over again by fucking people. Why do I try, why do I bother, why should I care anymore, why do I comfort when I don't receive any in return. I am so tired of being tired ,I am so tired of not having someone to talk to dam I wish I could go home to my ancestors and be done at least I won't be alone no more!

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Starlight star bright

November 30, 2009

First star I see tonight I wish I may I wish I might This is Star bear and I wish to have a best frend & secret love I can finally open my whole heart to tonight? Please grant this wish I wish tonight.

I am tired of feeling alone in a crowded room please dear wishing star make it happen soon.

Star bear

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------2010 IS THE YEAR 

My life would be at peace if It didn't have me in it!

January 8, 2010

Why did I even think I could take care of myself, and two other souls why! I just want a nice wood cabin somewhere deep in the woods away from everyone in my current life I would like to choke out.(Everyone ,but my son, fav. nephew ,niece, and cousins the nice ones) every one else can take a long walk on a short pier! I want a cabin in the woods seven pad locks on the front door, a electric fence around the entire place, and a little herb healing garden, and a veggie garden in back. Fuck I wish I had the dough that is what I would buy. All I wanted for Christmas is my own private sanctuary, my own piece of heaven on earth. why cant I have it! I have a lil. picture of a cabin in the woods, surrounded by a forest of pine, oak, and willow. I stare at this picture all the time. Wish you could disappear in a picture just by wanting it so dam bad. Where is the twilight zone when you need it.

Star bear

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Where the sky is always dark.

January 21, 2010

Dear Journal,

I have a confession to make I am not a high school graduate, but I hope to go back to school to get it. Long story short I hated high school, because of the people, including the teachers who didn't care one way or another what I learned as long as the work was completed The curriculum was way behind the other schools in the U.S. Also at the time I was taking care of my grandma full time so school was put on the back burner. After I get my much anticipated diploma, I would like to get a teaching degree, and there are some other things I would like to study like Marine Biology,(I love the ocean, and everything to do with it)Computer repair, and Animation, and robotics. Architecture, Construction, and other things.

I am currently looking up scholarships now that and grants got to have that especially these days. Anyone know where the best sites are for Women scholarships ,and non-traditional student grants? There is so many websites I just have no idea which ones are the better ones are.

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I hate my kid's school!

January 22, 2010

No I really mean it. Like take these incidents: I am waiting for my kids bus the bus pulls up lets 5 kids off, the bus driver pulls away from the bus stop while my kid is making his way to the front of the bus. I stop the bus and glare at the bus driver he said he is late .I don't care how dam late you are let my kid off the bus or I will tear your limbs off and beat you with them. W.T.F!

Another incident my kid is new at school does not know their way around school I ask them the supposed ADULTS of the school could you show my kid where their class will be. The secretary of the school ask in front of my kid what is your kid slow, or retarded in someway?! Again W.T.F! That bitch secretary needs not to be dealing with kids ,or parents at all she needs to stay at her little desk and let the grown up's talk!

Another incident not involving my kid, but another one same school. A mother's 5 year old girl was placed on the wrong bus, and let off 45 minutes away on a bus stop near a high traffic area fortunately they found her unharmed Again W.T.F! This school is the worst if I had the dough My kid would go to a private school! Damn these people!

Nothing new bored, bored,bored!

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January 24, 2010

I went to get food for the house.

went to dollar general bought Dog food for our pits.

Ran my mom's car over to her house after having the mechanic fix the thermostat, and put a new tire on it.

Sat in traffic for a hour Zephyrhills, Fla. to many tourist hate it hear like Homosassa better better fishing.

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Learning new things

February 5, 2010

I am working toward my high school diploma but while I am doing that I am learning natural healing, and the use of herbs, and special oils. All of it is just so interesting. Can't wait till I learn more. I will share the stuff as I go along .By the way anyone hate math as much as I do the math I am doing is kicking my but oh well got to do it for now take care have a good night .By the way if you get some lavender oil and put a couple drops on your pillow you will sleep much better, and more relaxed less tossing& turning. night.

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You ever felt....

February 11, 2010

Like you work so hard, and so long at house chores ,taking care of the house ,working a job ,school that you feel more like a broke down work horse ,then humans? I feel like that the pits my Pitbull's are driving me crazy barking at any, and everything ,the house work keeping me busy and high school math! (I decided to get my high school diploma for those who didn't know) algebra I use to know, and I use to love to do now not so much, and my hormones being 37 all I seem to think about sex sorry can't help it. I write short stories submit them to magazines, and stuff .All I can think about, and write about is sex damn can't concentrate at all. anyway you feel like a old work horse, and you feel about as useful as a old shoe what do you do to get over that feeling? Now if your mate, lover, significant other ,is about as romantic as a old goat what do you do to make you feel better ,and spice up your love life at the same time.

Star bear

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Happy valentines Meaning of roses

February 14, 2010

Red roses- Respect, courage.

Pink roses- love, grace, your lovely.

Dark pink- thank you.

Pale pink- grace, joy.

Orange roses- desire, passion.

White roses- charm, wisdom, innocence.

Pink& white- I love you still, and always will.

Yellow rose- Infidelity,joy ,gladness remember me.

Yellow& red- means congratulations.

Peach roses- let's get together closing of a deal.

Cardinal rose- truly, sublime desire Dark red roses- moving

12 roses- ultimate love

25 roses- congratulations

50 roses- unconditional roses Crown of roses- reward of virtue

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May 4, 2014

I am cleaning .I hate cleaning, but it has to be done .I would rather work on my hopefully beautiful tikka bar. I dragged this half a deck home...and I just need a couple planks to fix it. Always house work...if I had my choice would not have hardly anything in the house, but furniture you need, book shelves  ,and  food. My mom lives with me and she's a clothes, shoe, dishes  ,hoarder =-O oh well back to work. Hope can finish stupid house work in time so I can work on my deck. Much more pleasure in that then chores in crowded house. Is that a fairy tale like everything else in life at least my life is. What is the point of anything in life you live you survive the best you can you marry someone so you simply don't wake up alone not because you love them because love doesn't exist and then you die. The great nothing ness continuous. What is the point no one really wants anyone else. No one will ever love me like they really care so what's the point? the great nothingness continues.

OMG! It has been so hot.

May 7, 2014

Florida is so hot lately. Wish I was in the cool creeks of the mountains in Asheville, or Idaho. Hell anywhere where its cooler. I use to could stand Florida hot weather when I was younger.. but now that I am Forty two working on forty three June 17. Gosh I feel old. I told a little white lye to my brother in Cali. I told him I took the (Practice) Ged test and I will get my results tomorrow. I really meant to go today...its just it was so hot, and the only way I could get to the school is get my mom to take me what with the two kids and dragging them either in a city bus two hours, or a expensive taxi I couldn't do that. I know I know just get a baby sitter...I have a babysitter my sister in law...but Omg! She's   completely  toxic ,a  racist ,a mouth like a sailor, and she only favors my daughter, she  completely ignores my son. Kids know things so no baby sitter...I am sorry I am rambling. Now the juicy stuff.....no not really...just lonely.. sex would be good...but love would be better if there is such a thing. Hell I don't even have any trashy books. he is sweet  cool, and cute...but we have so little in common...besides he would never like me like that ..plus he has so many girl/ friends and their Asian   ,India, and just plain exotic and beautiful. Now me I am average ,a little overweight ,this I wont say on fb. And I guess I am cute...but I am not that is my thinking anyway. .I ll have to do the GED  tomorrow for sure so my lye wont be a lye...lets hope things work out.  after that everyone thinks my lifework will be a nurse ,or in the medical field. I am good at that yes...but I really would rather be in the woods, and forest. Want to be in conservation...specifically forest ranger just because I been around people so much saw the atrocities people do to their kids their selves  ,and others. I just sooner disappear in the woods. I mean besides Jeff, and my brother in Cali they kind of believe in me the only two that do....I have no one  else that believes in me anyway. Besides I am not a very attractive woman that is my thinking so its better I hide from the world. At least part time anyway. Kids still got to go to school, and socialize. I just think I should choose to not socialize who would want me anyway. Oh well have a good night zzz hot house no a/c it will be hard to sleep tonight. The box fan just blows around hot air night

job hunting :-\ is always difficult being old and a singal mom

May 14, 2014

So money and circumstances have made it so I Have to work. I must get my ged, but like everything else it cost money. So I will be working to get the dough to get to class. I hope when people look at my resume, and application I hope they have a open mind. Will be working with mom at this one job but I need more hours. I will have to find at least another two jobs to make ends stretch. May be hard and exhausting but it will so worth it to better myself and prove to certain family members that I am not a failure anyway off and filling in apps luck luck luck xo

frustrating day

May 16, 2014

I wake up fine I take my son to school fine ,my daughter and I feed the ducks in the pond fine .This afternoon I don't know I went to fill in apps one at culverts some burger place. Have to do it online not built yet. Alright that is cool go to this other place right close to Indian Rocks beach; some Italian joint. They filled the position still fine...We stopped for ice cream for kids...doing ok have umbrellas cant put them up to windy the lady said I get angry don't know if its her tone ,or just me. Angry me kids are ok mom said get my discount card out so she don't have to break a 20$ cant find the damn thing. Mom gives me this look like she cant believe me. Have to break her twenty just get more angry. We get home watching the stupid twenty eight news not a single one of them morons are native Floridians what the hell they know about anything. The weather men or worst sunny 90 million degree weather in Florida is not nice! Rainy cloudy stormy weather is nice, cooler weather is nice you overly cheerful perky morons! GOT to forgive me not into cheerfully. Especially when you got rich sorry Yankees from the north taking our houses, jobs, and money and trashing up, and overdeveloping our beaches ,and once nice nature inspired

Florida. JUST GO HOME AND GET OUT OF OUR STATE!

I need to rant I just need to because I will  blow up if I don't.

In other news I keep trying to tell myself this to shall pass, the frustration, the inability to make my kids listen, and get along, the almost constant  loneliness, and isolation, the strong desire to drown myself in a bottle of jack straight up. The constant judgement of people...mostly family trying to show them I am not a two time loser, or a lay about ,or a bum. Always trying when the hell am I going to get a break ...so angry today just want to blow up.. want to give up and hit the nearest hippies camp ,or the deep woods and hide from failure...but got to keep trying...have to. I would like to have a house my kids don't have to ever leave from...no more shelter life...to harsh...granted easier...but still....got to keep trying...P.s. Katy Perry that's her name she sings fireworks duh must be the frustration.

Yelled at the kids ,the dog, and cat. Sometimes I wish to god I had my ex back. Kids don't listen ,they make messes, dog has fleas ,the cats a little bitch and I am going crazy. Why can't anything ever be simple. Sometimes I see a glimpse at what can happen if I don't fail and get to the school of the redwoods. They have a college there that had environmental studies...and learning how to be a park ranger/police/naturalist. OTHER times I look at my kids ,brother hear with my lame bitter ,hatefully sister in law, and diabetic mom, and see that door to college slam shut and deadlocked. Wish I wasn't hear in ...Florida wish I was there...anywhere in country would be better. I am hatefully I am bitter I am a bitch but at least I am not that twenty four hours a day seven days a week...feel like I am...but I wasn't today. Just ended up like that. Despite how much I hate my sister in law I may just ask them to baby sit tomorrow or maybe next week.......very very little do I ever wish this...but today just wish I didn't have kids. I could maybe make it in a national park job far far far away from hear if I had no kids. Save some money move to the woods and live like a hermits don't know what they call a female hermit so what ever.... stupid me should of never listen to my parents...if you live with your boyfriend its a sin so to make them happy I married the sob! Now separated cant find the sob to get divorced or child support saddled with two kids in a miserable place where everyone is richer then me. Yea get married worst stupid ass  thing I ever did . Fuck! Honestly I love my kids ..but I am always with them I never ever get breaks from their mouth ,and their whining ,and teenage mentality, I mean dam who wouldn't go crazy. I hold it together though I keep holding it together what else is there to do but hold it together....if it was just a Little bit easier though.....I hate mornings in this house

May 22, 2014

Today woke up scratching, either fleas ,or mosquitos ,or both not saying my house is dirty just saying we got a cat with kittens ,and a dog that needs a bath ,and when we moved in to this house people came in and ramshackle it stolen  all the metal ,tore the screens off, and made a mess of the place on another subject I

want to give my dog to a new home. He is miserable hear. He don't get to go for walks, I take him for walks but he's a German shepherd so they need lots of exercise and he can't go for a drive in mom's car to a dog park because she don't want her car dirty. He is just plain

Miserable  hear if I was him I would be. Who am i kidding I am miserable hear to. I want to give myself away. Mornings are so annoying ,news is blaring dancing with the stars cast is on a float having a parade on good morning America. why because their celebrities. SO What! Look they did not save lives, they have not found a cure for any diseases ,and they haven't helped mold young minds like teachers ,tutors, coaches, or anyone that should have the privilege to be honored with a parade its BS!. I am so tired of people good people getting the shaft because they didn't make a field goal, or dance on tv like a self absorbed ,Barbie doll want to be. Look at all these VA hospitals treating our service men like garbage. The false hopes of getting a appointment to be seen, and never getting to the doctor. You know how many of our military has died waiting and waiting. That's bull shit. You want to help people and actually give a dam about someone then overhaul the VA administration throw them all out on their ass and get someone that gets the job done and genuinely cares about our military and will do something to help them. Do that then maybe we can get you a parade until then stop acting like big old hero's when you did absolutely nothing to deserve it! Did I mention I hate mornings, and I hate celebrities' have stomach cramps today not a good day to get things done. Maybe ...lost my train of thought don't you hate when you were just thinking of something and you have to use my aunts word a brain fart lol. Sorry a southern thing crude apologies. Today feels like a Monday but it's only a Wednesday. We live in a trailer park the real estate people like to call it manufacturing homes. Lol it doesn't make the trailers look any better. Around hear the trailers some people take care of their property it looks good and kept up...I try to make the place look good to, on the other hand other people their yards are horrible ,and just plain in chaos .lots of meth heads, pill poppers, and general hoodlums hear and that's mostly the teenager's. Can't wait to move out of hear. To much family can be a bad thing

May 31, 2014

I am so tired of family been around them to much their driving me crazy. If my kids would listen, and my mother ever encouraged me and they just wouldn't ooze so much negativity all the time...Anyway it got to 98 degrees in the house, no wind moving outside just brutal. I am so over Florida and it's heat. Strangest thing when we Finally went to beach today. This couple maybe has four kids one a small baby in a play pen the kids parents was fucking in the ocean for over 45 minutes the baby is on the shore maybe a yard or more away all by his/her self in the play pen maybe 100 people on the beach. Don't you know anything could happen to that baby?! The other kids of theirs was in the ocean by themselves maybe waist deep little kids from 5 years old to 9 years. I am 5"6 that water was to deep for them, and we have been having rip currents in Florida and several kid drowning of kids . Way dangerous you know. Either way they left their baby by them selves way to long. I guess someone called on them because three minutes later clearwater police show up and just tearing them up one side down the other. Plus they got a ticket, and as we were leaving the beach we saw them in the parking lot going through their car making sure they leave. You don't see that everyday. Anyway

They left makes you wonder what they do Behind closed doors? The beach was nice went swimming once felt so good. I usually don't get to swim because I always with the kids 24 hours a day seven days a week. Would ask my mom to watch him for a little bit, but then she tells me "well shouldn't have kids if you didn't want to take care of them." Oh gee thanks mom! The beach was gorgeous though. there is a saying "Even a rainy day at the beach is better then a beautiful day at work" well it's true it is. So today was ok would of been better if I was away from my family for a little while. Well can't have everything. I am tired now and it's hot so shower and bed. Dream of a houseboat/sailboat on the ocean, or a week with out my family and spent at the beach. Good night My Journal When bad stuff happens I write when it's a ok day why not write too?

June 6, 2014

Today is Friday got up at 6:30am don't know why.. check on the kittens, and the turtle ,and dog, and kids. Then Fed the animals tried to go back to sleep, but my girl woke up. Oh well. I made breakfast, and worked on garden a little. Replanted the peppers...hope they live ..they look pretty bad, then I planted some water melon seeds hopefully they grow. Then worked on this dilapidated old lean to building ..tore up the floor. What freaked me out was saw a two to three foot snake about to munch down on a frog. I killed it talk about creepy. It was a little rationale. Harmless ,or not I don't want snakes around.. anyway I got the old rotten floor up ,the rest is small pieces I 'll do that later. After that I got stung five times by wasps had two big nest and one little nest by my bedroom and bathroom window. Can't have that around my kids. Of course no-one appreciates what I do typical. I 'LL have to say though I am proud of my accomplishments this day may be totally nothing to everyone in the entire world...but it is something. At least I put some work in to my day. what to do if you don't know what to do.......

June 10, 2014

We have to move that is obvious. I just don't know what to do first. If mom was working Today I would get rid of a lot of our junk and it wouldn't be so hard to move. We have a month she said but she don't want to do anything she doesn't feel good that I understand, but I am capable of getting most things done. She don't want me to do it either. She thinks a month is long lol it's not. If I let her procrastinate it just won't be done I know this. So as always I will have to do it myself without her knowledge. I have a garden growing, I am trying to get my GED but we simply have to move. We have no air conditioner ,we have a horrible leak, no insulation ,no screens on Windows, always hot ,tired ,itchy(mosquitos) and we can barely get a decent TV show. Who else could live like this??we been living with it for three, almost four years. I am just spoiled...I am use to living in a camp ground cooking over a fire, cutting wood, hiking, and looking for my own meals ,no grocery store around. Dude I would rather live like a Florida cracker from the old south then have the creature comforts. Not everyone's cup of tea ,but it was fine. We were happy. Any way we have to move and we have no place to go. We were thinking of getting a motel room for a little bit it would be cheaper. We pay nearly 800 dollars for a trailer that once housed a meth lab I kid you not. More later maybe .How do you get off a sinking ship? You can jump, you can stay and hope it doesn't sink, sit with everyone else on the ship whose oblivious to the fact their on a sinking ship???? Omg can't take this anymore. Then when I suggest I help the sinking ship by fixing it.(oh no no this is just a rough patch the ship will heal thy self .You have got to be kidding me are you fucking serious?? Oh better yet let's pray for a . Solution maybe someone will just gives us a house free bull shit!!!! So through but how do you get off a sinking ship .don't know how but I am not going to sit on the ship and let it along with me and my kids sink .Dam, Bottom line is if a solution doesn't happen soon I will be toxic to my family, and they will be toxic to me.

A dream of basil.....

June 15, 2014

I dreamed of basil the herb. It was the best dream. You know why?? Because Of what it was about. I dreamed my daughter and I picked basil...from our garden out of our back yard near our house. It was our house I owned it out right, I had a Job to pay for it. Also my daughter and I were getting along. My three year old is of her own Mind just like I am and . I went looking for a job last two weeks I haven't been very lucky. To long out of the work field u know...I am determined but that doesn't seem to get me anywhere. were stressed out beyond belief and that dream was so great there was ,no worries, no stress no arguing ,and my daughter and I were getting along. Why can't that be real and true; as it is trying to teach her to go pottie  and dealing with so much stress ,and negativity ,and a mountain of bills who wouldn't want to dream instead of live my particular life. On top of that my best cousin friend is in the hospital she maybe only has days to live. .yea who wants to runaway from home with me....?? It's gotten so bad I don't even want to get up in the morning.... So. .a dream of basil is all I have to look forward to at night la de da lonely, jobless, stress full, desperate .Awe Basil.....Happy fucking birthday to me woo whoo who

June 17, 2014

Wish I had insurance ,wish I could afford insurance ,wish I had a will. If I died today in the ocean were supposedly going to today eventually..... my kids wouldn't be protected and they would go to my mom, or my brother hear which I don't want. I would rather them go to my brother Joe in California. He knows more about fun and spending money wisely then the others. No matter what I do nothing works practically begged for a job Sunday in almost tears because I can't tak the stress no more or this house. Of course no-one called even when your desperate no-one cares. Trying to get away from hear but seems impossible. Wish I had a gun no just wish the kids father would be in their life so they can live with him. I would then disappear and no-one would see me again like today 43 years ago dread and hate the day I was born just not important to no-one ,Can't do anything till I write out a will and hopefully find their dad will this to pass hope so but not likely can't just can't take much more but wait does it count that everything is falling apart around me but I can't pay bills so it's ok I should be happy WTF logic is that If someone cared...

June 25, 2014

If someone cared I wouldn't be entertaining the thought of finding my ex so they can be in a place where it won't be yelling all the time, arguing ,worrying, and stress. One thing about my ex he knew how to have fun, and be fun. I wish I could find him. The kids need their daddy. I am a lousy mother ,I keep trying to find a job and no-one ever calls me back. Been rejected so much I feel like the elephant man. If I could find him he could provide for them better. Me no-one in my entire family cares about me ,not even my brother in Cali. He talks big about helping me ,but all it is is talk. I don't expect him to help me at all. He is good about keeping my hopes about telling me I can get my Ged, I can get my colleges   degree, but that is bull shit. The only thing these signal parent societies does is give me a list of grants I can't possible get I less I am in college. The we will. Provide housing for people who need it crap  is crap. You have to have a job to get housing...how about a little less grief about the grants and education, and more help with helping a forty something woman get a job I am completely worthless to e everyone especially my kids, and family!

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I Am Back!!!

September 11, 2010

I know. I know I been gone awhile long story made longer lol I got beat up by my husband he's in jail now for a year. I spent a entire month in shelter with my son as I was there I was talking to one of my best friend. And he was helping me deal with everything now were living together we did fall in love he wants to marry me were happy my kid is happy only real problem is finding a job I've looked forever for a job and I have yet to find one so that's my deal. I ve looked at Craig list till I am blue in the face Craig list Tampa bay anyway and aha feel like screaming I answer all these ads and have yet to get a response back so how is everyone else doing? New e Wake me Up Inside I feel dead inside have no feelings nothingness

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October 15, 2010

Nothing moves me, I feel just a great big nothingness inside. The rose colored glasses are off and everything is drab, and grey poor, and disappointing. Love doesn't exist, passion is non-I am a unwilling participant to this sorry house