Nothing is right, yet nothing is wrong
One of the biggest problems with being bi-polar is that my mind is split in two. I have two opinions about almost everything.
It is really hard to make decisions.
I have a constant feeling that something is wrong - that someone is coming to get me, which is insane, because I haven't done anything truly wrong, but the feeling persists.
It is there all the time, this feeling. It keeps me awake at night and keeps me from relaxing all day long. When I am lucky enough to distract myself by doing something, I am okay for a while, but when I am alone, my mind plagues me.
I don't know how to make it stop. Too much has happened, between the house in Maine, my freaking brother (who seems to have landed on his feet, despite the fact that his spin on events is less than factual), and the failure of my plans to get an apartment for myself and the girl, I am again trapped in a life I don't want and cannot figure out how to change without upsetting everyone in my family.
I've let my family run my entire life. When you are a child, you don't have much of a choice, but you should have a choice when you become an adult, and I have not been allowed my choices by my family.
They have always controlled me, and I have no clue how to gain control from them. Since becoming an adult, first my husband, then my children, then back to my brothers. My life in Maine was controlled by my older brother, and now that I am back in RI, it is controlled by my younger brother, who seems to have bowed out since I have been back, and is leaving me to take charge of my mother's affairs, despite the fact that he has the legal authority to do so.
While I can accept that my younger brother is feeling ill, I cannot help but feel a little abandoned now - he sits in his apartment, not even visiting my mother, despite the fact that he is less than 10 minutes away from the facility she's in, leaving it to me to visit her, do her laundry, and arrange for her care when she returns home.
It is really hard to make decisions.
I have a constant feeling that something is wrong - that someone is coming to get me, which is insane, because I haven't done anything truly wrong, but the feeling persists.
It is there all the time, this feeling. It keeps me awake at night and keeps me from relaxing all day long. When I am lucky enough to distract myself by doing something, I am okay for a while, but when I am alone, my mind plagues me.
I don't know how to make it stop. Too much has happened, between the house in Maine, my freaking brother (who seems to have landed on his feet, despite the fact that his spin on events is less than factual), and the failure of my plans to get an apartment for myself and the girl, I am again trapped in a life I don't want and cannot figure out how to change without upsetting everyone in my family.
I've let my family run my entire life. When you are a child, you don't have much of a choice, but you should have a choice when you become an adult, and I have not been allowed my choices by my family.
They have always controlled me, and I have no clue how to gain control from them. Since becoming an adult, first my husband, then my children, then back to my brothers. My life in Maine was controlled by my older brother, and now that I am back in RI, it is controlled by my younger brother, who seems to have bowed out since I have been back, and is leaving me to take charge of my mother's affairs, despite the fact that he has the legal authority to do so.
While I can accept that my younger brother is feeling ill, I cannot help but feel a little abandoned now - he sits in his apartment, not even visiting my mother, despite the fact that he is less than 10 minutes away from the facility she's in, leaving it to me to visit her, do her laundry, and arrange for her care when she returns home.
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