Nothing is enough
So i had another talk with my dad and brother. i finally told my dad that the guy I've been texting thinks I'm hot. Then he and my brother said he's a jackass.
My dad told me that I'm not as physically healthy and not mentally healthy either cos of my premature birth. I also can't sleep for the past several days cos of feeling depressed. I'd lay in bed and think of the things my mom said. She'd say things like "ur like an airhead" or "ur a failure." The truth is I have a learning disability. Anyway, my dad told me I'll be ready to date when I'm 20. And I kept on thinking I'll die alone cos I already know people don't like me.
My dad told me a story about his crush when he was young and I'm like oh great now I'm fucking like my father. I also get peer pressured easily.
The thing that bothers me is my friends think I need a guy in my life just cos of my good looks.... And they tease me and nudge me n stuff. I get annoyed deep down cos I think of my parents. Sometimes I think "might as well turn lesbian"
im tired of everything! My friend would be like that guy is checking u out! He's cute! Sometimes I just wanna be like shut the hell up. Romance will never be in my cards! I'll just die alone!
Ive also been having urges to binge and purge. I feel very sorry and I feel my friends feel sorry for me too cos of the way I am. I think I look like a whale in almost every picture. i feel like my aunt on my moms side is a whore cos she has married 2 men already and now she's crushing on this man she knows. My 8 yr old niece visited me twice and she annoys the hell out of me. Fuck it! When I have kids, my daughter is just gonna b a spitting image of me!! And a pain in the ass too.
I'm only 18 I already want my uterus to b yanked out. yeah I'm just a borderline bipolar depressive bulimic anorexic mess. I'm a horrible person.
My dad told me that I'm not as physically healthy and not mentally healthy either cos of my premature birth. I also can't sleep for the past several days cos of feeling depressed. I'd lay in bed and think of the things my mom said. She'd say things like "ur like an airhead" or "ur a failure." The truth is I have a learning disability. Anyway, my dad told me I'll be ready to date when I'm 20. And I kept on thinking I'll die alone cos I already know people don't like me.
My dad told me a story about his crush when he was young and I'm like oh great now I'm fucking like my father. I also get peer pressured easily.
The thing that bothers me is my friends think I need a guy in my life just cos of my good looks.... And they tease me and nudge me n stuff. I get annoyed deep down cos I think of my parents. Sometimes I think "might as well turn lesbian"
im tired of everything! My friend would be like that guy is checking u out! He's cute! Sometimes I just wanna be like shut the hell up. Romance will never be in my cards! I'll just die alone!
Ive also been having urges to binge and purge. I feel very sorry and I feel my friends feel sorry for me too cos of the way I am. I think I look like a whale in almost every picture. i feel like my aunt on my moms side is a whore cos she has married 2 men already and now she's crushing on this man she knows. My 8 yr old niece visited me twice and she annoys the hell out of me. Fuck it! When I have kids, my daughter is just gonna b a spitting image of me!! And a pain in the ass too.
I'm only 18 I already want my uterus to b yanked out. yeah I'm just a borderline bipolar depressive bulimic anorexic mess. I'm a horrible person.
Replies
Sometimes I just really wish that you would listen to what I say, like really listen...because I honestly am really rooting for you to get better. You see, when I was 16 I was at my thinnest, bordering on anorexia by how fast I was dropping weight. I got lots of attention as well. I just couldn\'t see what was in front of me. Couldn\'t see I had what I already wanted most. Right? (as a person with an eating disorder you just wanna be thin and beautiful) But at the time, I had it. God, where I\'m standing now...I wish to God I was in the same position that I was back then. I look at old pictures of myself and I get angry at my past self like \"God, I was blind\". The only problem I really had was (((the way I saw myself!))) listen to me when I say that, cause if you believe that and start believing in yourself you\'ll transform. Time changed me, I got more depressed, ended up on meds that make you gain weight. The depression tho really ruined my life for a few years....Like, fuck I am really hoping with all my heart that you never have to go through that! I\'m like you from the future haha. Please don\'t become me. Appreciate yourself for what you are and try to make the best out of your beauty and your talents...whatever they maybe. We all have strengths and weaknesses and try not to focus on the weaknesses so much. Your parents maybe a road block to getting what you want but they surely won\'t be there forever controlling you. Big big hugs to you. I wish you well!!
Thanks Elsairene! I\'m glad that there is someone who understands what I\'m going thru and yes depression and anxiety has been and still is ruining my life. I haven\'t had any self esteem whatsoever and when I\'m around others I put on a fake smile to hide my problems, learning disability and give an image that I am normal. But in reality I\'m not normal. I don\'t like it when I feel like others have found out about my learning disability and they instantly think I\'m an airhead or dumb. It hurts. It really, really hurts.
Now all I\'m focusing on is myself. I can\'t rely on others to make me happy. As long as they give their support then it\'s great.
The way I see it is that whoever doesn\'t care or support me when I\'m sad or they act as if they forget me or they don\'t seem to care, I\'m just like \"it\'s all my fault. I\'ve done so much dumb shit that\'s why they don\'t wanna be around me.\" And other times I\'m just like whatever like I give a fuck.
But I\'m taking your advice into consideration :)
(((Kathy)))
My Brother is looking a house of his own and I\'m concern that my Gran might raise up the old s**t of the past as a weapon to try and make him stay. (I have emailed this to a few CoDA friends from my Sunday Meeting on intherooms.com to see if they can pray for me)
When I was 18 I thought I knew everything, but used eating as a way to numb out my feelings. (I was sexually frustrated and was Tee-Total in a society which champions getting drunk and reckless amongst the Youth)
I have to deal with an elderly Woman who is suspicious of everyone outside our Village. (If she knew about the kids in our Village getting cheap drugs, it might open her eyes. It\'s the Elephant in our Village\'s room)
I hope you can find an Adult you can trust. (Difficult to find at your age) Your Dad seems like the typical All-American Dad who needs Anger Management.