nothing but crap

Not even numb today which is a shame.ill take it over the depression any day.Where is some mania when i need some.not that its healthy but i need a lift and dont want to self-medicate once again.ive remained alcohol free for 2 years and one and a half months and counting.Still continuing to struggle tho as always.just want my med cocktail to work since that's the only friggin cocktail ill be having,more than likely,for the reast of my life.I HOPE!!!!