Not Why But How
I have decided to save this thread as a journal entry so it will be here for posterity, Lol. I put a lot of myself into it so I want to have it here so it won't just slip away into the archives.
"On an infidelity thread Pink Pony asked How the CS managed to pull off cheating. Being able to do that to someone you say you love. Good question. I have actually put a lot of thought into that for myself. I will attempt an answer. I believe our subconscious mind works very very hard to give us what we want even if we know consciously that this is really not what we want. Even if what we want is really bad for us and we know it. Like that battle in the mind over dessert when we are trying to lose weight. Do you notice how hard your mind works to give you that dessert? How about a half a piece? Just a bite? This instead because it has less calories and more fiber? Yes, our mind works hard to make us happy even if it is working against us. Even if it will destroy us. When addiction is involved it only gives strength to the battle. So it begins, whatever it is that entices us and begins to draw us in. It's flattering or fun, it seems innocent enough but it progresses. Perhaps we try to stop it a few times but the attempt is half hearted because deep down we don't want it to stop. Once it reaches a certain point we start concealing. We wouldn't want our SO to find out what is going on here. It still seems under control. At this point addiction may already be a factor. Maybe we realize this maybe we don't. In my case it was definitely part of it but I was not aware. The addiction was to the adrenaline libido rush. When the temptation comes to "cross the line" the battle begins in earnest. It's me against myself and the battles are dreadful and painful. Bloody wars, if you will. I don't want this to happen, but yes, I do. I want it to stop but I don't. I can't do this. I don't think I can stop it. I felt my mind working constantly, trying to convince me, trying to find a way. Reconfiguring my thinking. Building within me the ability to live a double life. Building walls and barriers and blockades. Compartmentalizing, as I've heard it described. I FELT all this happening. I was aware of it. I tried multiple times to stop it. I called the battle the battle of good girl, bad girl. At times I was not sure who was winning. So many things that were happening to me surprised me. This was all very new territory. I would NEVER EVER have considered myself capable of these things. It was very very out of character for me. I am the last person anyone who know me would have ever expected to do such a thing. Almost from the beginning I had a 180 personality change. It was noticeable. The constant libido, feeling like a teenager. I was happy and energetic. I felt young. All my interests changed. I felt very flirty and man crazy. The battles I mentioned above were not constant. They happened during what I call "moments of clarity." And times when I got scared. The battles actually increased and got worse as I got closer to "crossing the line" and after the first few times I did cross it. Sometimes when I was alone working I would get very scared about what I was doing. I would feel sick and have near panic attacks. In those times I would call OM or text and "get over it" with my mind still trying to soothe me. There was a moment, a very specific moment when I gave up the battle. I simply stopped fighting. After that I was about 95 percent into the double life. OM noticed that change. I felt no guilt after that. I just went with it. Bad girl had won. I kept my lives separate after that and did not allow myself to think about what I was doing anymore. I convinced myself that I was doing it. I was keeping both men happy. I was successfully having a spouse and a lover and I loved them both and it would be fine. To the best I can explain it that is HOW it happened. The mind, I have discovered, is a very complex machine. Reading back over this it kinda looks like I am blaming the mysterious subconscious mind for what happened. Ugh! No! In the end I am responsible. Every part of me. Conscious or subconscious. I am not a victim of anything or anybody. I am now responsible for the hard hard hard work that I am doing to rebuild myself and heal. I am utterly determined. I will never be the same person I was before. I don't want to be. I know this could be triggery. I am sorry if it was for anyone. I hope it may have helped in some small ways."
"On an infidelity thread Pink Pony asked How the CS managed to pull off cheating. Being able to do that to someone you say you love. Good question. I have actually put a lot of thought into that for myself. I will attempt an answer. I believe our subconscious mind works very very hard to give us what we want even if we know consciously that this is really not what we want. Even if what we want is really bad for us and we know it. Like that battle in the mind over dessert when we are trying to lose weight. Do you notice how hard your mind works to give you that dessert? How about a half a piece? Just a bite? This instead because it has less calories and more fiber? Yes, our mind works hard to make us happy even if it is working against us. Even if it will destroy us. When addiction is involved it only gives strength to the battle. So it begins, whatever it is that entices us and begins to draw us in. It's flattering or fun, it seems innocent enough but it progresses. Perhaps we try to stop it a few times but the attempt is half hearted because deep down we don't want it to stop. Once it reaches a certain point we start concealing. We wouldn't want our SO to find out what is going on here. It still seems under control. At this point addiction may already be a factor. Maybe we realize this maybe we don't. In my case it was definitely part of it but I was not aware. The addiction was to the adrenaline libido rush. When the temptation comes to "cross the line" the battle begins in earnest. It's me against myself and the battles are dreadful and painful. Bloody wars, if you will. I don't want this to happen, but yes, I do. I want it to stop but I don't. I can't do this. I don't think I can stop it. I felt my mind working constantly, trying to convince me, trying to find a way. Reconfiguring my thinking. Building within me the ability to live a double life. Building walls and barriers and blockades. Compartmentalizing, as I've heard it described. I FELT all this happening. I was aware of it. I tried multiple times to stop it. I called the battle the battle of good girl, bad girl. At times I was not sure who was winning. So many things that were happening to me surprised me. This was all very new territory. I would NEVER EVER have considered myself capable of these things. It was very very out of character for me. I am the last person anyone who know me would have ever expected to do such a thing. Almost from the beginning I had a 180 personality change. It was noticeable. The constant libido, feeling like a teenager. I was happy and energetic. I felt young. All my interests changed. I felt very flirty and man crazy. The battles I mentioned above were not constant. They happened during what I call "moments of clarity." And times when I got scared. The battles actually increased and got worse as I got closer to "crossing the line" and after the first few times I did cross it. Sometimes when I was alone working I would get very scared about what I was doing. I would feel sick and have near panic attacks. In those times I would call OM or text and "get over it" with my mind still trying to soothe me. There was a moment, a very specific moment when I gave up the battle. I simply stopped fighting. After that I was about 95 percent into the double life. OM noticed that change. I felt no guilt after that. I just went with it. Bad girl had won. I kept my lives separate after that and did not allow myself to think about what I was doing anymore. I convinced myself that I was doing it. I was keeping both men happy. I was successfully having a spouse and a lover and I loved them both and it would be fine. To the best I can explain it that is HOW it happened. The mind, I have discovered, is a very complex machine. Reading back over this it kinda looks like I am blaming the mysterious subconscious mind for what happened. Ugh! No! In the end I am responsible. Every part of me. Conscious or subconscious. I am not a victim of anything or anybody. I am now responsible for the hard hard hard work that I am doing to rebuild myself and heal. I am utterly determined. I will never be the same person I was before. I don't want to be. I know this could be triggery. I am sorry if it was for anyone. I hope it may have helped in some small ways."
Replies
WOW...this really speaks to me! It was like reliving the beginning of my A. The constant battle in my head, rationalizing what I was doing...wow. I remember when I gave up my battle, too. It was in my car. I\'d spent countless hours talking to the OM, and we\'d hung out a few times - but nothing happened. He tried kissing me in the past, but I\'d turn him down. I stopped fighting the night that we shared our first kiss. Sure, we already started an EA at that time, but this was the first time things got physical. It was all downhill from there.
Wow. I so relate to this. Everything about it...
I felt like I was reading about my own struggle. Thank you for sharing this.
my cs gave me NO consideration as if I did not exsist, he wanted to fk and he did, only it was someone else he was fking and he liked it so he kept doing it until I caught him....and he wants me tobelieve he never stopped loving me, he was just \"supplementing Me\"....because he was selfish, and it wasnt her, because she was not the draw....whatever....
Thank you again for answering my question from so long ago. I\'ve asked my husband about the times I found clues nd he denied. He seemed so scared, so upset, and humble even in his denial.
I asked, in the days that followed the times I confronted you, did you consider ending it? Or did you thinks\"wheee, that was a close one!\" ?
His response was the second. That\'s always made me sad. That he could see my pain when I was sure he was cheating and it wasn\'t enough to stop him.
Because there are so many years between the affair finally ending when she
got pregnant, and dday, he has cloudy memory. He spent many years perfecting the mental block that trying to break it down is nearly impossible.
So your internal battle that you describe does help. Especially the food analogy. I love food analogies. I love food he he he.
Thanx again
Pink
Wow, yeah, I can totally relate to this. Thanks for sharing.
\"The addiction was to the adrenaline libido rush.\" These words resonate with truth to me Gab. I do understand that. I think everyone does at some time or another in their lives. Or, maybe that\'s just conjecture on my part. I can say that I understand it well. There have been times in my life when I was very tempted to play that wee game of play just a bit. I mean, there is something to be said for that kind of adrenaline. But, I knew that there were costs for indulging in that rush. I mean, just because I felt a rush didn\'t mean that I wasn\'t able to think, especially about the repercussions. So, I guess I really didn\'t \"want\" to suffer the consequences of indulgence.
You suggest that our mind works very hard to give us what we want. That is likely very true. I believe it does. I think that the particular rush of which you speak may well be attractive at times, but it has never \"yet\" been quite as attractive to me as feeling good about myself. I mean, sexual hormones are great. No question about that. But, ultimately, I don\'t feel good at all if I don\'t like me. And, were I to do something like that, I definitely wouldn\'t like me. So, if my mind works hard to bring me what I really want, then apparently what I really want is to like me, to respect me. Seems like that anyway.
I think that I always had a bit too much libido for my own good. And, when I was single I was pretty darn good at indulging it too. But, when I chose to marry, I chose to restrict that libido to my H. In fact, I promised that. And, though the libido seems to wane a bit in the context of everyday life, work, family, home, etc...it always came second to my personal integrity. I mean, I know that if I had ever really wanted to cheat, I could. Anyone can. So simple. But, when I weighed, and I weigh, the value of a rush over the value of integrity, the feelings of my important others, it loses every time.
Even in the event of confronting a cheating, or even wanna\' be cheating, spouse, I didn\'t let the \"want to\" for whatever viable reason bring me to the ultimate disrespect of myself. Consequently, when another suggests to me that the \"want to\" was just too much for their psyche, I do understand. Sure, it is an internal battle. I mean, a thrill, or my self-respect and care for others too.
Sometimes, I do wonder about the value of that thrill. I mean, it\'s always there for the taking. I don\'t have to cheat to indulge that though. I mean, if it was that pressing for me, I think I\'d have to conclude that I\'m a far better single person than a marriage partner. That\'s ok. There\'s a lot of those out there. They are just honestly what they are. I have no difficulty accepting their choice. I don\'t have difficulty understanding the thrill. I do have a bit of difficulty accepting cheating as an option. I don\'t think it really is ever necessary at all. That seems only a self-serving self-made illusion at best.
Maybe, I\'ll learn better over time, who knows? I\'ve certainly had my go at experiencing it from the other side. So, when I do confront it, it isn\'t foreign to me. I mean, really, the cause is the same for every cheater isn\'t it? The thrill? So, when I confronted my H, I asked, but I already knew the answer. I just wondered if he\'d come to any epiphany about the value of truth.