not too bad this morning
so it's wednesday today and it's morning which is usually my bad time of the day. i'm not too bad this morning. i still have that underlying....yuck feeling. sometimes it's hard to discribe. it's like i'm disappointed in myself for making one bad deision in life. now i'm stuck for several years and the anxiety stems from the unknown. what's going to happen in 1 year or 3 years? anyone dealing with anxiety/depression tends to see the worst...which is a totally negative state of mind. i don't want to be negative! we are surrounded right now by negative things....war, bad economy, inflation......but in time these things will change. some will get worse before they get better but i have to believe that they WILL get better. i also have to believe that some day i WILL get better. why is it so hard for some people to see the positive side of life? my girlfriend always see the positive and lives for the day. it's no wonder she doesn't always understand where i'm coming from when i worry. i want to live in the moment...i want to see the positive. i have so many good things in life yet i bring myself down for one dumb decision! with all of the good things i have done and awesome people that love me i can't see the forest through the trees.... i have no reason to be sad. so many people deal with such adversity in life on a daily basis but i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself...unreal! as i read this back i feel dumb just writing it! yet even though my logical mind see's little reason to be sad/anxious/depressed my heart still sinks and the "yuck" feeling still remains. i'm going to my first therapy session tomorrow...part of me is looking forward to it, part is a bit scared. i've dealt with anxiety/depression since i was a kid...but i dealt with it alone. maybe the positive of this ordeal is that i finally face it head on instead of just trying to deal and suffer in silence. i have been watching the old Sopranos episodes. i love that show! i feel like Tony at times. when he mopes around and cries for no reason...yep. i never cried at all until the last few months. when i realized my dream had now become my nightmare... some time in the near future (probably 2-3 years) my mistake will be taken care of (i hope!)...but i need to fix myself long before that date. nobody can live this sad life nor should they for very long. God i pray for strength and pray for the day my mistake is lifted from my shoulders...until that day i pray to God for the ability to cope and live a happy life dispite the pain i've brought myself. God bless us all in pain right now...please grant us peace
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You words are so beautiful and truthful. You have a gift being able to express yourself so well. I know that you probably can\'t see that but I can. I think this is how you are going to be able to heal yourself. By letting it all out. I too suffered from depression as a child and that is one of the things my therapist and I are working on. It\'s hard to believe that my upbringing could have such an impact on what I feel now. But when I look at my situation I can see how it is. I wish that I could express myself as easily as you seem to be able to do and you are an inspiration to me in that regard. Don\'t ever stop being who you are and expressing yourself.