Not today, rainy, gloomy day!

Okay, you former rainy, gloomy day! Today, I have decided that I will not let you alter my mood. As I watched the news last night, I heard it was supposed to rain every day until next Tuesday. Even on days when it didn't rain, I have had enough gloomy days in the last few months. I am going to ignore the clouds, rain and the darkness that usually accompany it. Each time it rains, I'll imagine it's my Dad, showering his love down on me and telling me to look ahead to brighter days. I have been isolated too long from a world that doesn't even know, or care of my existence. I feel as if I have been held in captivity by a force that has kidnapped my very soul. If I do not stand up and fight for myself, no one will lend a helping hand. If I at least attempt to free myself and put up a good fight, others may join and aid in my rescue. When very few know what's happening inside of my house and my body, why would they try to save me? I can't blame anyone for my imprisonment but me. I have to venture out and let people know, in order to expect any rescue. No one is going to come knocking at my door, looking for a soul to heal. They don't even know I've been hiding out in here. Not everyone wants to deal with a "wounded animal" but I have a feeling, there are plenty that would do everything in their power to help me find my way back...I just haven't met them yet! I am not a lost cause. I am a person who has lost the person that meant the most in the world to me. I may not be handling it in the best way, or the right way, if there is such a thing but, I am new at this. I never have, and never will, go through this same pain again. People will leave me, people will pass away but, it will not affect me with such profound devastation. Sure there are people I love and care about but, losing my Dad has been the worst experience I know I will ever live through. Living/survivng through these days since my Dad has passed have proven to me that I am lot stronger than I have given myself credit for. I had never really thought about him passing away before me. With his faith in God, and living through illnesses, outliving most people his age, I expected him to live to at least a hundred, and beyond. I had thought of him making it into the Guiness Book of World Records for being the oldest living man. That was my plan, not God's. Heck, after three suicide attempts, I had no idea I'd make it to forty! That was God's plan, not mine. So, I have remained here for a reason, and a purpose. I often remind myself that I was meant to be here so, the suicidal tendencies have vanished. It's time to figure out what I have overlooked before. I think I'll start today.