Not Sure Where I Fit In?
When I was 14, I lost the biggest supporter in my life. It wasn't quite sudden. My mother suddenly suffered something very tragic. And 19 years later, died. I was lost, alone, confused, and didn't feel loved for many years of my life. I drifted, and agonized over what I lost. Not only that, my childhood home burned down in front of my eyes when I was 15. Christmas night of 1992. From time to time, when I see racing fire trucks go by with sirens blaring, I cry. The memory haunts me. It's not often, but it happens.
I quit smoking in 2002, and other than my weight, I've been in fairly good health. I have depression and thyroid issues - but par for the course. In December 2011, I went into a cardiac arrest and almost died. Had it not been for my husband, I probably would have lost my life that night. A few hours after I celebrated my 35th birthday. I was diagnosed with diabetes type II while I was in the hospital. The reason for my cardiac arrest is unknown, and my fear continues on. Could it happen again? I don't know!
Since 2008, I've been unemployed. I elected to do so, not because I wanted to - but because my home life was so chaotic that I couldn't separate home life from work. It was impossible. Although I say I elected to do so, I probably didn't leave on such wonderful terms. I just stopped going to work and didn't answer their phone calls to figure out what was going on. Not the brightest move on my part, but I couldn't cope with their disappointment in me and any possible criticism that followed.
I applied for social security disability for my daughter. Not out of financial gain, but because of the seriousness of her mental illness and in helping with things that needed to be paid for. Copays for hospitalizations, meds, gas, housing, etc.
My eldest daughter has been diagnosed schizoaffective disorder. This is one of many diagnosis she's received throughout the years we've been seeking help. She's been in the psych unit over a dozen times, been in two day treatment programs locally, seen therapists for years, on our second psychiatrist now, spent two months in a county run facility, called the local crisis hotline over 300 times, and have had many run ins with the police due to abuse to myself and my youngest daughter. I have almost $1400 that is due to the county for her 2 month stay, and other expenses involved in her care. And I don't know how I'm going to afford it.
We're in the process of three different court processes involving Ashleigh. One involving juvenile court where a kid in her school exposed himself to her. Ashleigh has written a statement to the juvenile court and we have yet to hear back. Ashleigh also had unprotected sex with a 26 year old male. Although we notified the police in May, the offender has yet to be put in jail. We're still waiting for the DA in our county to pick up the case. And the third is the JIPS petition.
http://www.co.brown.wi.us/i_brown/d/human_services/juvenile_court_brochure.pdf
This afternoon, we have a competency hearing for Ashleigh. This will determine if Ashleigh needs a) representation to submit a plea and b) juvenile representation due to unable to understand what is happening in the legal proceeding to be able to make a plea of her own recognizance.
Involved in Ashleigh's care right now are:
2 family therapists that meet with us as a family or take individual family members out to meet in the community, not just in the home.
1 Parent coach
2 Social workers
1 Juvenile court worker
3 therapists (One for me, my 13 year old, and Ashleigh)
1 WRAP around worker or Mentor
1 Day Treatment Manager
1 Psychiatrist
1 Lawyer
Transportation company
I deal with all these people. Some obviously more or less than others. Plus I have my physical care and my youngest daughter's as well.
My youngest daughter, two weekends ago wound up in the hospital. She passed out while she was running outside our apartment building. Because she passed out or blacked out and because of my cardiac arrest last year, they wanted to get testing done on her. The testing came back okay, but she's wearing a heart monitor. I had a sleep study overnight at the hospital to determine sleep apnea too. Which apparently I have. But, after my sleep study, within a half hour I was back at the same hospital for my daughter to have additional testing on her heart and by the time I came back, Ashleigh wanted to go to the psych unit again.
I'm the only one that can drive in my family, I'm the only one that can legally sign and authorize for my kids. I have typically 1-3 appointments a day, that's not including phone calls I have to make either. Gas prices are astronomical. And even though we have a transportation company that takes Ashleigh from home to day treatment and vice versa, they only can change transportation week by week. Even if you have plotted appointments, they can't change anything until the week that it happens.
Tonight, I had to call the police on my daughter Ashleigh - second time since she's been home for 13 days. She made holes in our wall, knocked things over and broke our desk in our living room (not a good desk mind you... ) screaming and swearing at the top of her lungs. Stomping... all in 20 minutes of her arriving home.
I'm tired. I'm exceptionally tired and worn out. Ashleigh can't go to day treatment today until she's cleared from her social worker. And her set pick up is at 11 a.m. Once I pick her up, I have my counseling appointment at 12 p.m., then our Community Service Team meeting, which involves pretty much everyone that's involved in Ashleigh's treatment at 1p.m., then court at 3p.m.
Ashleigh has been in 2 day treatment programs since she was 12 or 13 years old. She's exiting this day treatment unsuccessfully on August 3rd, which coincidentally happens to fall on my anniversary. My husband and I will have been married for 10 years this August. We're awaiting news on respite as I just sent in the paperwork on Saturday. And hope that we can get further follow up on what course of action we're going to be taking to best suit Ashleigh's needs.
I don't know what to say other than, I'm so tired of having to be everywhere and not be able to be concerned about myself. And when my kids tell me that I shouldn't react, am I not allowed to have moments where I can be irritated or frustrated? I'm not superhuman! Don't hold me to that standard!
I need a break.
I quit smoking in 2002, and other than my weight, I've been in fairly good health. I have depression and thyroid issues - but par for the course. In December 2011, I went into a cardiac arrest and almost died. Had it not been for my husband, I probably would have lost my life that night. A few hours after I celebrated my 35th birthday. I was diagnosed with diabetes type II while I was in the hospital. The reason for my cardiac arrest is unknown, and my fear continues on. Could it happen again? I don't know!
Since 2008, I've been unemployed. I elected to do so, not because I wanted to - but because my home life was so chaotic that I couldn't separate home life from work. It was impossible. Although I say I elected to do so, I probably didn't leave on such wonderful terms. I just stopped going to work and didn't answer their phone calls to figure out what was going on. Not the brightest move on my part, but I couldn't cope with their disappointment in me and any possible criticism that followed.
I applied for social security disability for my daughter. Not out of financial gain, but because of the seriousness of her mental illness and in helping with things that needed to be paid for. Copays for hospitalizations, meds, gas, housing, etc.
My eldest daughter has been diagnosed schizoaffective disorder. This is one of many diagnosis she's received throughout the years we've been seeking help. She's been in the psych unit over a dozen times, been in two day treatment programs locally, seen therapists for years, on our second psychiatrist now, spent two months in a county run facility, called the local crisis hotline over 300 times, and have had many run ins with the police due to abuse to myself and my youngest daughter. I have almost $1400 that is due to the county for her 2 month stay, and other expenses involved in her care. And I don't know how I'm going to afford it.
We're in the process of three different court processes involving Ashleigh. One involving juvenile court where a kid in her school exposed himself to her. Ashleigh has written a statement to the juvenile court and we have yet to hear back. Ashleigh also had unprotected sex with a 26 year old male. Although we notified the police in May, the offender has yet to be put in jail. We're still waiting for the DA in our county to pick up the case. And the third is the JIPS petition.
http://www.co.brown.wi.us/i_brown/d/human_services/juvenile_court_brochure.pdf
This afternoon, we have a competency hearing for Ashleigh. This will determine if Ashleigh needs a) representation to submit a plea and b) juvenile representation due to unable to understand what is happening in the legal proceeding to be able to make a plea of her own recognizance.
Involved in Ashleigh's care right now are:
2 family therapists that meet with us as a family or take individual family members out to meet in the community, not just in the home.
1 Parent coach
2 Social workers
1 Juvenile court worker
3 therapists (One for me, my 13 year old, and Ashleigh)
1 WRAP around worker or Mentor
1 Day Treatment Manager
1 Psychiatrist
1 Lawyer
Transportation company
I deal with all these people. Some obviously more or less than others. Plus I have my physical care and my youngest daughter's as well.
My youngest daughter, two weekends ago wound up in the hospital. She passed out while she was running outside our apartment building. Because she passed out or blacked out and because of my cardiac arrest last year, they wanted to get testing done on her. The testing came back okay, but she's wearing a heart monitor. I had a sleep study overnight at the hospital to determine sleep apnea too. Which apparently I have. But, after my sleep study, within a half hour I was back at the same hospital for my daughter to have additional testing on her heart and by the time I came back, Ashleigh wanted to go to the psych unit again.
I'm the only one that can drive in my family, I'm the only one that can legally sign and authorize for my kids. I have typically 1-3 appointments a day, that's not including phone calls I have to make either. Gas prices are astronomical. And even though we have a transportation company that takes Ashleigh from home to day treatment and vice versa, they only can change transportation week by week. Even if you have plotted appointments, they can't change anything until the week that it happens.
Tonight, I had to call the police on my daughter Ashleigh - second time since she's been home for 13 days. She made holes in our wall, knocked things over and broke our desk in our living room (not a good desk mind you... ) screaming and swearing at the top of her lungs. Stomping... all in 20 minutes of her arriving home.
I'm tired. I'm exceptionally tired and worn out. Ashleigh can't go to day treatment today until she's cleared from her social worker. And her set pick up is at 11 a.m. Once I pick her up, I have my counseling appointment at 12 p.m., then our Community Service Team meeting, which involves pretty much everyone that's involved in Ashleigh's treatment at 1p.m., then court at 3p.m.
Ashleigh has been in 2 day treatment programs since she was 12 or 13 years old. She's exiting this day treatment unsuccessfully on August 3rd, which coincidentally happens to fall on my anniversary. My husband and I will have been married for 10 years this August. We're awaiting news on respite as I just sent in the paperwork on Saturday. And hope that we can get further follow up on what course of action we're going to be taking to best suit Ashleigh's needs.
I don't know what to say other than, I'm so tired of having to be everywhere and not be able to be concerned about myself. And when my kids tell me that I shouldn't react, am I not allowed to have moments where I can be irritated or frustrated? I'm not superhuman! Don't hold me to that standard!
I need a break.
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