not sure...turning a corner, maybe...
so i met with the pdoc. she's really cool. i liked her right away. very no nonsense, but really personable, unlike dr. s. who always made me feel like i was wasting his time. she said she gets the "heebie jeebies" about prescibing ADs for beepers - i was disappointed by that. though at first i misunderstood her and i thought she was asking me about symptoms and whether i get the heeb jeebs, so i sat up staight in the chair and said "YES!" because i thought, "wow, here's someone who really gets it!" of course, that's not what she meant at all...oh well. she wants to keep focus on the mood stabilisers and anxiety meds for now, but says in a week or so if i'm still feeling like crap to call her and she'll prescribe an AD. i'm pretty sure she's going to be receiving that call. she thinks i'm okay to be out of hospital for now, but she's placed me on her watch list and wants me to check in with the nurses once a week. i think i'm going to end up in hospital. that scares me. i haven't been in years and i don't know what to expect.
i'm mangaing ok today, pretty well for me considering how i've been feeling. i wrote a letter of introduction to the local unitarian universalist fellowship. i'm hoping there are members here in town who would be willing to rideshare and take me out to services. i need grounding. i need a community. doing this alone isn't working. i don't have easy access to RL people and i think i need that. so letter to the UUF, and to mother (i told her that i'd recieved her letter and i'm considering how to proceed). i wrote a get well card to my grandmother who is in hospital as well. so i've been sorta productive. i haven't replied to the curriculum editor about the textbook though, nor have i written to my friend who sent a christmas card that she was worried because she hasn't heard from me in months. i don't know why i'm procrastinating on those last two. i know i'd feel pretty accomplished if i did write them, so i don't know what's holding me back, but i get shaky when i think about it.
i'm dreading work tomorrow. my voice went out on thursday after the pdoc (i think i talked too much) and being on the phone for 8 hours tomorrow seems daunting. full time work is definitely too much for me. and the income makes me ineligible for benefits come january 1st. i'm thinking there's a telecommuting company that has a disabled-only hiring policy. i think i will contact them next week and see if there are any positions available that can accomodate me now that i have some call centre experience.
i'm tired now, but i think maybe i don't feel so desolate, or maybe that's just today and i'll be a wreck tomorrow. i don't know, but at least today isn't blue-black.
oh, and i've contacted a debt consolidation company. they're may be able to negotiate my usurous short-term loans. i'm nervous about that, but in some ways it's a relief because i'll make one monthly payment to them and they'll distribute to my creditors. and i can finally get off the short-term loan roller coaster, hopefully.
i'm mangaing ok today, pretty well for me considering how i've been feeling. i wrote a letter of introduction to the local unitarian universalist fellowship. i'm hoping there are members here in town who would be willing to rideshare and take me out to services. i need grounding. i need a community. doing this alone isn't working. i don't have easy access to RL people and i think i need that. so letter to the UUF, and to mother (i told her that i'd recieved her letter and i'm considering how to proceed). i wrote a get well card to my grandmother who is in hospital as well. so i've been sorta productive. i haven't replied to the curriculum editor about the textbook though, nor have i written to my friend who sent a christmas card that she was worried because she hasn't heard from me in months. i don't know why i'm procrastinating on those last two. i know i'd feel pretty accomplished if i did write them, so i don't know what's holding me back, but i get shaky when i think about it.
i'm dreading work tomorrow. my voice went out on thursday after the pdoc (i think i talked too much) and being on the phone for 8 hours tomorrow seems daunting. full time work is definitely too much for me. and the income makes me ineligible for benefits come january 1st. i'm thinking there's a telecommuting company that has a disabled-only hiring policy. i think i will contact them next week and see if there are any positions available that can accomodate me now that i have some call centre experience.
i'm tired now, but i think maybe i don't feel so desolate, or maybe that's just today and i'll be a wreck tomorrow. i don't know, but at least today isn't blue-black.
oh, and i've contacted a debt consolidation company. they're may be able to negotiate my usurous short-term loans. i'm nervous about that, but in some ways it's a relief because i'll make one monthly payment to them and they'll distribute to my creditors. and i can finally get off the short-term loan roller coaster, hopefully.
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