Not sre about anything any more

At times I am just not sure I am sure about any thing any more.  things go crazy and people are crazy.  I wonder if people can think straight.  Who in their right mind would let someone rape them literally or figuratively over and over just to go back and let it happen again and again.  I guess what I am saying is how can anyone let people screw you over in so many ways.  My whole family is so Damn naive.  I cannot believe they cannot see how they have lived as long as they have without being screwed out of their fucking kidneys.  I can actually imagine them in a bathtub of Ice in some cheap ass hotel room.  Waking up missing a Kidney or Liver.  I know I know.  I have probally been taken a few times my self But i have learned.  Now I give freely. I know when TO give and not.  When I give.  I give to whom I choose.  One rule!  I NEVER give to FAMILY.  Makes enemies. 
Damn I have no family, lol.  Other than one sister. And After this week i bet that we never speak again.  Okay back to my journal.  Okay so her being naive.  okay after being Raped literally by our father for over 10 years over and over then disowned by our family when he went to jail.  She forgave them when our POOR POOR mother had a heart attack.  Damn if I would.  We have been SHIT to them.  NOTHING but TRASH.  NOW she runs to them.  So when they called me I told them to go FUCK themselves.  I was spared his attentions. But others were not so lucky! 
I feel absolutley nothing for them. Not one feeling.  Nothing for none of them.  Sorry but it all died.  If i know you I can explain it all in more detail.  But as far as I am concerned. I feel more for my friends here on DS then for them.  i would cry for my DS friends.  Not for them.
Okay Part two.  Juan and I have been together for 9 years and yes we have had ups and downs. Yes very bad ups and downs.  But he is my best friend.  And Since our last split HE has made a VERY big CHANGE.  HE now makes a VERY BIG effort to make me FEEL SPECIAL.  I no longer cook Daily.  He does more and he tries to understand more.  He has took off more days to be with me.  And he has changed his attitude.  I did make a big effort on part with his family that is here.  The change has been great.
But his family still take advantage of him.  They have taken him for over $75,000.00 since we have been together.  I have added it up over the years.  He doesn't know that I have kept track.  he would be upset. He would say I was being nosy.  Mind you this is just his two brother and two sisters.  Not including what his ex wife has done to him.  He found out the other day She went and sold all of his realestate in mexico.  He had alot.  Two houses.  And Four other places to build on. Not small places either.  Plus she cleaned out his savings account. Over $60,000.00.  The land and Houses were valued at like $200,000.00.  So he has been screwed.
So how blind can people get.
So you see what i am getting at here.  I am trying to build here on something.  I have always believed that what you give you get back in return. 
Okay.  But there is a point.  Where this is killed.  I do give.  I give when I know it is needed.  Or I help.  AT times I know it is comming back.  At imes I know it is being paid forward. At times I know it will be paid back at a later date.  At times i just know that it wont be paid back.  
But my faith lies in the fact that i know that i am not putting it all in the same people who kept screwing me over and over and over anymore. 
I help Dulce when her husband lost his job. She never knew it was me and my friend Patty. She thinks it was a Church. 
Patty helped me one Year. 
Last year Patty and I helped Two families Sean and David.  and Maria and Luis.  Sean had emergency surgery on her shoulder and hunband David had been out of work for 3 months.  Maria was Pregnant with 5 child and Luis out of work because of weather.  We gave them christmas.  Presents and Dinner.
This year we hope to do 4 families.  If Patty gets back on her Feet. She is having it rough.  I am helping her right now.  Hopefully She can.  If not maybe I can do atleast one family.  And continue to help her. 
God has blessed me. Lettingme to continue to work.  I hope I can continue to do so because alot of people depend on me right now.  Families need me at times to eat or for lights. Or insurance for their cars.  GOd if Juan knew this he would kill me.  I keep my money well hidden.  lol
he doesn't know what I make.  I pay all the bills last week of the month.  Then the rest of the month I hoard. TO help!
God blesses me
Thank you God