Not so great.
I love my best friend. I do. Friends for years and still going strong. But I can't listen to her pregnancy stories. I just can't. Not when I know I will never have that experience. It hurts me. I know she would never do it on purpose. I know that she wants me to share in this part of her life, but right now I just can't. I can not seem to put one foot in front of the other and be ok that she is having an experience that I as a woman never will have.
I have thought about ways to avoid her during this time wondering if our friendship is strong enough to last this.
I have felt a great deal of resentment, wondering why she had to be so greedy to have ANOTHER child when she already has one. I have felt a great deal of anger about why she gets to have children when i can not and that I am just as deserving as she is. I have felt that she is irresponsible bringing children into an already overly populated world.
I try not to be a greedy person, or a jealous person but when i reflect on these feelings, this is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL AND I CAN"T STOP IT. I know it is going to take time. It is going to take lots of time, and peace and calm to move on. This is a personally journey for me, one which I am new at. One which I feel alone.
I have thought about ways to avoid her during this time wondering if our friendship is strong enough to last this.
I have felt a great deal of resentment, wondering why she had to be so greedy to have ANOTHER child when she already has one. I have felt a great deal of anger about why she gets to have children when i can not and that I am just as deserving as she is. I have felt that she is irresponsible bringing children into an already overly populated world.
I try not to be a greedy person, or a jealous person but when i reflect on these feelings, this is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL AND I CAN"T STOP IT. I know it is going to take time. It is going to take lots of time, and peace and calm to move on. This is a personally journey for me, one which I am new at. One which I feel alone.
Replies
Wow. Decemberstone, I understand and feel your pain. I too will never be able to get pregnant, deliver, nurse, etc. Nor will I ever have the privilege of knowing that my child has my eyes, hands, nose, attitude, etc. I\'ve been living with infertility for over 20 years. I assumed that I was finally in a better place, that is until I heard about my friend\'s baby shower (which is today).
Normally, I can attend baby showers with no problems. But in this particular case, I am finding that I am having a difficult time. Unlike your friend, my friend had dealt with infertility for a number of years. She has had 3 miscarriages, and we had become each other\'s support system for the past couple of years. I was happy that she had finally gotten pregnant and that this baby wanted to hang around. I would call her to check in and see how she was progressing, and how the baby was developing. But when I heard that a baby shower was being thrown for her, something happened inside of me.
At first, I didn\'t know what was going on, but after giving it some thought I realized that I was losing my support system and I would have to continue my journey with infertility alone. I wrote a post about it in the IF group, but what I didn\'t say was when I figured out what was going on with me, I cried myself to sleep that night. All of those feelings came flooding back to me - my entire painful journey of never getting pregnant, never feeling a heartbeat, never getting a \"positive sign\" or \"plus\" on a stick, being over 40 years old and never once hearing a child call me \"Mommy\".
I have realized 2 things since then: I wasn\'t being honest with myself about my friend\'s pregnancy. When she told me she was pregnant in December, I felt a very small amount of jealousy, but I was elated for her. But in all honesty, I ignored my feelings. Whenever I called to check on her, I asked her all of the questions relating to her pregnancy. I was a supportive friend; but I never stopped to consider or deal with my own feelings, which is why I am having a hard time now. The second thing is I will never have a child naturally, and that means I am susceptible to be hit hard by pregnancies or someone\'s motherhood at any given moment. I guess I thought I was immune to getting hurt anymore, because I have been dealing with infertility for many years. I have realized that I need to be more self-aware, and to check in with myself periodically and make sure that I am okay.
I am sending you hugs and will keep you in prayer. Be kind to yourself.
Ms. Dee