not so good today

I guess my testosterone is crashing today.  I haven't felt so good for most of the day--no energy, general lassitude, depressed, down on myself.  I'm in love with a co-worker, but he is a hard nut to crack.  He's Persian--I'm pretty sure he's gay and may even like me, but he seems to keep his distance.  Frustrating to have feelings and not be able to express them.  I know I should forget him, but it's hard to when I see him once a week and all the old feelings get stirred up again.  I feel like such a loser next to him--he's beautiful--tall, darkly handsome, broad shouldered with a narrow waist.  He's also quite sweet and sensitive.  Shy.  I wonder if I would feel better if my testosterone were okay--maybe I would more easily shrug all this off.  But sometimes it seems all I've had is a lifetime of rejections in love and seeing him is just a constant reminder of all that beautiful love I've been missing.  I envy people who have great relationships with their family and have no problems with friends, but this has also been hard for me.  I'm very much the odd duck in my family--I was pretty much marginalized and rejected and I think I've psychologically carried that with me throughout my life.  Something in me always seems to think people don't like me or want me.  It's always been hard to make friends.  And love--forget about that!  Love is not for you.  Love only happens to lucky people.  In the gay world, lucky usually means gorgeous, which I am not.  But I feel a little better just writing this.  Enough self-pity for today, I guess.  Am I writing into a void or is someone out there?