Not Reaching My Goal

Ok, I have had a bad food binge for the past four days.  This is about the longest I have been this depressed in a very long time.  I do not know why, maybe cause I have to settle a large score with the IRS, totally my fault.  Maybe just because I am a compulsive overeater.  I use food to comfort myself.  I use food to celebrate.  I use food to pacify my boredom.  I mostly use food when I am nervous.  it is now over, I  Yesterday was History, tomorrow a Mystery, I have only Today.  Right now and for now I am drinking a diet snapple.  I have not picked up any of my binge food.  I colored my hair a newer shade of red, kinda dark auburn, burgendy.  I like it alot.  I put on eye brows, and makeup, powdered and primped.  I was going to the hairdresser for a blowout but changed my mind, it is so very hot outside.  I walked to the bank and post office, took the Baby out for her walk.  Now I am home.  I noticed my little Baby, has an enlarged neck, she is 15 or 16 years old.  I adopted her 14 and 1/2 years ago.  She is half blind, has arthritis, and  my very best friend.  She has been through so many losses with me.  My best friend who died of cancer, my Dad and my Mom's passing.  Plus other friends who I have lost over the years.  She has been my constant.  She is not in any pain, and  thinks I am the best thing in the whole wide world.  She cries real tears when I have to leave her.  We discussed this, her and I --- but she just says I have to take her with me at all times.  I mostly do take her everywhere.  I have a little canvas shopping cart that I put her into so she goes to the supermarket too.  I left her home today, just too darn hot for her -- and sure enough, real tears, I wiped them away.  Now who in the whole wide world would ever miss me like this.  You can't fake this loyalty.  Ok enough of my pity party.  I am going to start packing and cleaning the house.  I am going to visit with Lars, my brother, for the weekend.  We are going to divy-up my parents' ashes.  He has his plans and I have mine as to where to put our parents ashes.  My friend Jasdeep she is Indian (siek) sp, says, I should release them so their spirits are freed.  Now that is an interesting thought.  I am releasing them together because that is what they wanted.  I will put some ashes in the canal, where they lived, some in Florida and some Upstate New York and for my Mom, some will go with her father in the cemetary where he is buried.  She, Mom could never make up her mind where she wanted to be scattered, she would always change it, so she gets to go to all the places she mentioned.  I may even take a little to Sweden and put them with Dad's, parents, though I don't have any more plans to travel abroad, but who knows.  Maybe that will change too.  Ok I feel better a little bit, thanks to DS again.  This is such a marvelous site to be able to journal and have friends who read my crap.