Not one of my better days.

Why is it that sometimes I get on here and read others HS horror stories,the level of pain,both physically and emotionally, that we each go through and suddenly become panic-striken and more depressed that before I started poking around for today's discussion or advice,and some days..it just doesn't,like I'm looking at cold hard unflinching facts like a Homicide Detective? Some days I do get a ray of sunshine,and those days I hold it in my mind like a drowing dog claws at the wreckage of his masters destroyed vessel..desperate and needy.
I doesn't help matters much that my husband,myself and our two children live with my husband's mother.And it really doesn't help much that she suffers from her own ailment,Ulcerative Colitis.Some days she is ok and easygoing.But some days she does a Jekyl and Hyde manuever that would make even the steadiest soul tremble. Some days with her start out nice,but within hours,nay minutes even, she can turn hateful and with a wicked and hurtful tounge. On days when I am having particularly bad flares,and am having to either "sit the day out" or walk around looking like some crippled freak,straddling to ease the pain of the abcesses rubbing or doing all activities with one arm over my head because the size of the abcess in my armpit keeps me from lowering it, for the most part she is understanding.But she has those days when I am nothing more than a fat lazy piece of shit to be looked down upon and shunned. Those are the days that I want nothing more than to let her live in my skin at that moment.I really shouldn't wish this on anyone,but when you are already stressed,and you add the stress and pain of HS,your mind does tend to wander.
I think the biggest reason I have days when I am on DS/HS and get that panic-striken feeling is because I am happening upon the stories out there that are the worst among us.I am only Stage 2 right now but that is more than enough to torment even the strongest among us. Hearing stories of abcesses on the back of someone's neck or on their scalp,descriptions of how this illness ravages the body,disfigurements of the most intimate parts of ourselves,parts that are already for most of us,sensitive issues without the aid of HS, is sometimes too hard to bear.Those are the days that I worry about how bad my condition will eventually end up.I know that not everyone progresses the same,and that someone who is Stage 1 or 2 will not necessarily become a higher stage and may stay at the same stage indefinately.But I also know that some of us roll through the stages like a pig through mud. I never had abcesses as a kid or a teen.It wasn't until I got pregnant with my first child that I had my first one. It was such a special kind of agony that I can't give it full justice in trying to explain it with my simple wit.I had no clue what to do and was so embarrassed,I failed to see a doctor for fear he would berate me for missing something pertaining to prenatal care.I went to all my appointments,took all the right vitamins,stayed away from all the big bad stuff.Tried to eat balanced meals and drink plenty of water.So it did make me wonder if I had already somehow failed as a parent before even giving birth.I wish I had gone then,to a doctor.But in retrospect,they would have most likely treated it as so many doctors have before,simple abcess,nothing big,nothing to write home about. That bugs me some but not as much as it used to.
And then I have the days where I stumble upon stories and discussions of others,like myself,struggling to make it through one more day,some times struggling to make it through one more hour of this special hell that HS has created for each one of us.I see the determination we each have to go on with life each day,to attempt to pluck that one ray of sunshine from each one,so that we have reason to hope and continue the struggle and continue to fight against HS.My husbands grandmother called this stuff The Devil's Plauge.Not because she thought I was some sort of sinner,that a plauge was being visited upon.No,she called it that because HS is a torment,it daily tests our patience our resolve and our wills,much like the Devil.It tests our courage to go on each day,it tests our courage in our fight against it.It tests our patience with ourselves and our loved ones and those closest to us.And it tests our hope.Lord knows how it tests our hope.It tests us daily to see if it can get us to lose our will,to lose hope and spiral down into the black hole of depression and self pity.Although we may wallow there at the pit of despair,it is usually only briefly,and we once again through our will and hope pull ourselves out of the muck,albeit sometimes only somewhat,and begin another day,fighting it.
I think that is the biggest reason I continue to come and read the stories and discussions here on DS/HS.The belief that all hope is not lost,and although nothing may be able to cure it now,someday maybe there can be a cure or at least a definative way to prevent it.Seeing that others worse than myself,keep picking themselves up to face another day despite the agony,depression and feelings of self loathing that accompany this hateful illness.If they can do it,so can it.Can't I..?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I just plain balled after this. You have written how I feel most days to a T. I struggle daily with the strength to continue to fight for a cure and knowing what torteous events will be brought on tomorrow. Thanks for inspiring me today. I was not doing so good and I think I just found my small ray of hope for today!! So thanks for being my sun for today!!
ShannonA
ShannonA

Yw.I hope your balling was a little relieving. Sometimes crying can be cleansing...sometimes..lol. I\'m so sorry to hear you weren\'t doing so well. I do hope you are having as pain free a day as possible. Darling munchkin there, btw. ;D
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am headed to the ER for one of the faves, lol I am getting two lanced because i can no longer take the fun they have bestowed upon me. But thanks for helping me feel like I can survive the torture they are about to hand out as well. I just wish they had some more intel on how to make us all soooooooooooo much better. Thanks for your support and kindness.

Amber