Not Much ToTell

Not much to tell for today’s session.  We talked about a few things but nothing that’s outstanding in my mind.  She commented on me wearing pants that must show that summer’s ending.  No, I like summer!   I told her about my diverticulitis and how I called in for medicine not wanting to go see the doctor – just not needed.  I’ll go if I feel worse but I don’t like taking anti-biotics because I can get C-Diff.  I asked her if she heard my daughter and boyfriend fighting last night in the waiting area.  No.  She asked me how I felt about it.  I hate it when people fight.  I just listened and changed the subject later being very calm and then they were.  She said they shouldn’t do that in front of my grandson.  No. She got that Russian chess set at an estate sale but didn’t know about the colors.    I told her there’s something we didn’t talk about last time because I had so much going on about the weekend and we didn’t get to it, we ran out of time.  Does she know what it is?  No.  I told her the volunteering I did.  Oh, yeah and she wanted to know how it went.  I told her I just told myself it’s an organization and there will be bathrooms there.  I just can’t be shy about it.  She nodded.  I had to read some HIPPA training and sign something and I got a little badge.  They kept telling me how much they wanted me there and hope I come back.  I said I’d come back next Tuesday.    I’m even proud of myself because when I got there they offered me a drink and I said yes.  I wanted to be like everyone else.  I told my husband I hope it’s not just stuffing envelopes but it was – and putting stamps on envelopes.  She laughed, “You did something fiscal.”  Yes I could move my chair around from one part of the cubical to the other.  She knows I need to be doing something more than that.  At first it was with someone.  It was great then because I’m friendly so we just talked.  But then she left and I was by myself.  I asked if it was OK to listen to my IPod so I did.  That helped.  She asked me if I looked for the bathroom when I got there.  I told her how they took me upstairs to the Executive Offices.  I asked her when she left me where the restrooms were.  I just went when I needed to and hoped no one noticed but there weren’t that many people up there so I don’t think they did.  She asked me how long I was there.  From 8:30 AM until 11 AM.    I said how everyone was so nice.  I saw that lady down the hall in her building, her name only, didn’t see her.  I do know someone there who I think is a social worker so I’d like to go say hi to her.  She’s very sweet.  She said this is a step in the door.  She asked me what else I would like to do there.  I said to be more active and work with others but there is one part that looks “crazy”.  I’m not sure why they picked me for clerical stuff – maybe my background.  Maybe I could tell the head of the volunteers what else I would like to do but not yet.  First I have to see if I like it.    We talked about my husband coming next time.  I brought my list of “I Wish You Would’s” and read it to her.  I didn’t want to be pointing fingers.  She suggested he do the same.  OK.  I said I’m not sure what he will say – kind of scared.  Maybe I know and we should talk about it a little first – kind of like warning her.  About hardly any sex (just don’t want to and other issues but we didn’t get into it), about backrubs, him cooking and cleaning but I do other things.  She said a year ago she suggested he come but I didn’t want to – “No, no!”.  She’s glad I suggested it.  She said once in a while she’ll try to suggest it.  I don’t remember any of that at all.  I said I may have to talk about things first – depending on how the weekend goes. I did tell her I knew he’d say OK and when I asked him he said he knew I’d be asking him some time.  She said he’ll be nervous about coming.  I didn’t think so but she said he will not knowing what I’ll say.  She also said about people in his career being ‘like that’ about things I say I don’t like – more concrete I think.    I didn’t have on there about how he reacts about my problem because I don’t want to talk about it.  Maybe he will – but probably not.  She said I alluded to ‘be nice.’  Yes.  He has changed a lot since high school.  What attracted me to him?  I said he was patient and his easy-goingness.  She wanted to know kind of like my middle son.  Yes but my middle son and I think exactly alike.  I’ll think something and he’ll say it.  My husband can get mad, too like the other day and in the car with the little kids.  And, I can be calm and easy going, too.  She could tell from my list I wanted more communication from him.  Yes, that’s something he’s never been good at.  I said how things have been like this for a long time and how tired I am of it.  If kids were living at home I’d have on there about him not following through, wanting to be their best friend and not backing me up when they were so mean to me and say, “You can’t do that to your Mom.”  Then I started talking about while she’s gone on vacation.  She’s getting excited.  She talked to her son last night and he just got over the Swine Flu and didn’t take the Tama flu before – not knowing what to do with it.  He completed his 2 year Peace Corps and will be going to Honduras where there is a revolution going on now.  She will see him one week from today when her cruise is in Belize.  She’s excited.  It’s just 4 girls (her step mom and 2 sisters) – no husbands.  I asked her if she’s worried about getting seasick.  No.    I started talking about this by saying what was in that report about dependency and how I was thinking about it.  I said how independent of a person I am.  And that’s how everyone knows me and what I’m like on the outside.  I wasn’t sure I was going to explain this right so I said she may have to help me.  She listens to me but she also knows my insecurities and others don’t – the inside part I may have said.  And that’s why I think I’m so dependant on her and I don’t like being this way.  I’ve never been this way before.  She said she liked the way I put it.  She says I’m working towards not to be.  I said very slowly.  It’s like I was thrown into this with people dying and others I can’t tell things to.  I said something and she said how everyone needs other people in their life.  Yes.   She said she would do a phone message to me and a letter but she will be out of the country and can’t do phone calls.  I know – I was just out of the country.  I said how it’s the unknown.  I don’t know about my Aunt (she called me right before I came here – maybe we’ll talk again – don’t say that!), my kids, like last weekend – what a weekend and such.  She understood but I know she can’t do anything.    So she asked me what else I can do for that week.  Maybe I can take a road trip.  Can I visit someone?  Not really but I have cousins.  I really want to see my son but that’s so far away and I’d feel bad because my husband can’t go.  But now afterwards I’m thinking, who am I fooling?  I can’t go anywhere and spend the night or far places in the car with others.  Plus that’s something we need to talk about and plan for and there’s no time for that before she leaves.  Look how long we spent on those other trips.  Did she forget?  I did for the moment – I guess because I wanted to.  I want to be like everyone else about this and I’m not and it’s very frustrating.  I hate spending so much time on this subject.  I just want it to go away.  Or I said about me going to a smaller town in my state to go shopping.  I mentioned to my friend on Sunday and he said his wife or more could go but remembered his wife couldn’t.  And I’m not sure the others because of the conflict going on.  I’m working Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs so it would have to be Friday.  I just don’t know.  I know this is not her problem – it’s mine.  But I didn’t say but I feel abandoned with no contact and that scares me.  I hate being like this!  When we talked about me going places and being independent and me wanting to see my son so badly, we talked about me going to Texas by myself to see my daughter when my grandson was born just about 7 years ago.  And, she knows I took my kids, by myself, to PA.  She asked me when I went to Texas did I have to go to the bathroom as often.  I told her it was great because I was by myself.  I didn’t have to bother anyone and just stopped when I needed to.  I confessed to say that it has gotten worse over the years.  She said it happens like that as we get older.  I said, yes, whether I want to believe it or not (that is has) – or be in a little denial.  She smiled.  She mentioned about writing my journal and also going to see the healing massage therapist – because my regular one will be gone that week, too.  She pulled out a 30 minutes free card and gave it to me from her.  I said how I like the touch, too and the healing there is no touch.  I tried once with her in this little mini thing and I’m not sure what it does.  She said I could do 30 minutes one day and 30 minutes another day.  Last time she said a whole hour session.  She knows, I think, I’m not ready for that.  I said how I want to do ½ hour with my regular one but am afraid.  And I don’t even know this one very well.  With my regular on we just chit-chat all the time.  She smiled and nodded like she knew or figured.  I do that, too so stay awake (I’m sure she remembers that).  She said I could bring my IPod and listen to my own music or she has music.  That would be OK, too. She really wants me to do the whole half hour and not split it up with regular massage.  She thinks half the time won’t be enough.  She wants me to just say I’m having “bladder issues” and that’s all.  And see what happens.  What if she wants to know more?  She said to say I have a small capacity and have to go frequently.  I can go 45 minutes with her she reminded me looking at the clock.  And if I needed to go during I can just tell her, pop up and go because I’ll be fully clothed, and she’ll be fine with it.  I told her I don’t want to open up a can of worms.  Once she knows I can’t take it back.  She said she’s professional – it’s not like telling a friend.  And she joked with the HIPPA thing I read and she knows about and told me I can’t give that to my friends to read.    She told me within the month she’s gone to her for what she said was feeling like she had a bladder infection and was going on too long and her knee hurting and wanting to avoid going back to the doctor for that.  She did her healing thing (she goes for an hour) and she’s been perfectly fine on both now with no symptoms – even back walking.  She remembered I knew about the knee thing.  It’s really strange and she wants me to do it.  She said it may not go away but she’d be interested to see what she says.  She told her there’s a tear where her urethra meets her bladder and it’s fixed now – she fixed it!    When I had to go to the bathroom she was about to tell me something – some story.  I told her I needed to go and just went.  No pre-warning I needed to go or wanting to wait.  I didn’t say but I was still in pain from my diverticulitis and I didn’t want to push anything and didn’t know how long I’d be able to wait any way.  She didn’t say a thing and just waited for me to come back as usual.  Then she perked up and told her own massage therapy – healing – story about her 2 issues.  She really wants me to do that and told me to think about it.  I told her it’s like the hypnotizing thing I did for my friend just so he could practice.  I’m just not so sure it works.  She said she does get into her little ‘state.’  Yeah.  She really wants me to give it a try.  My massage therapist is really into herbs (which my OB is not) and was trying to talk me into using those instead of anti-biotics.  She told me the whole story about why she doesn’t have kids, her follicles are too small, insemination that didn’t work, whatever will be will be and such.  We just talk like normal people.  Wish my therapist would do that, too.  It makes this whole thing more comfortable.  And it’s very nice she feel comfortable telling me things.  I’m a very good listener and care so much about others, too.