Not Moving on

Well it has come to my attention through my friends that I am not moving on. In fact they say I have nothing but negative thoughts and I have to stop it. I have never thought of my self as negative, but they are right since the break up and divorce it does seem that all I think about is my ex and my children. But I just don't feel like all I think about is negative. But upon further reflection maybe I am. I feel like I am just worried about my kids. They were ripped away from me, and I miss them terribly. The thing I can not accept is that they are now considered adults and they still won't have anything to do with me. So maybe I am negative. It is the only explanation I can come up with. But how do I break away from this? I try to live every day as happy and fruitfully as I can, but every time I think I finally am going to make it, something goes wrong. Sometimes it is the simple, life things, other times it is earth shatteringly emotional problems. No matter what, they both seem to send me for a tail spin. I don't want to give up my family, I worked so hard to have them and to raise them and to love him and them. Now to just forget it all seems wrong. My next door neighbor(and my surrogate Mom)says he brain washed me. Maybe he did, but obviously I wanted to be brainwashed. He always complained I was a control freak. And in a way I am. I don't like to be caught off guard any more than I have to in life. I  believe in the boy scout(or maybe its the girl scout, whatever I was a Camp Fire Girl!) motto : Be prepared . I know you can't be prepared for every out come in life but I feel like if you do the basic things in life you have a better chance of being able to easily handle the problems that come with living in this world. Things like pay your bills, take care of your home, car, get an education, have a job,take care of your health, try to live as close to the golden rule as is humanly possible. I think it has worked to a certain extent in my life. I think it is why I have so many friends and continue to make more. I really don't like negative feelings or thoughts, I would rather be happy and helpful. But it does seem like those days are over. Now everything is a fight and a struggle.But I have never been one to give up, on anything. So what do I do now? All I have ever wanted was to be included and loved. Yes I am loved by my friends and included as much as they can, but I am not loved or included with my own family. I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, or run around. Yes I did gain some weight the past 2 years, but I am finally starting to lose it, so far I have lost over 15 pounds. Does sound like much, but I weighed 213 and now weigh 197. My goal for this year is to lose another 15 pounds by this June. I have never thought of my self as attractive, but I am not ugly. Just not sexy. I like being in front of the crowd or on stage, but not because I think I am better. It scares me, but for some reason I end up like being in front of a crowd. I guess that's why I make a good teacher, I don't mind being in front of a class. I have absolutely no skills, at least none that everyone else also have. I am bright, but not a good student. I am smart, but not fast. I like to talk. I love to help people, in any thing and everything. But none of this will get me a job that will allow me to live a normal life. By normal I mean, live in my own house or apartment, pay my living expenses, pay for medical insurance, own a car, and take a vacation every 3 or 4 years. Now I have nothing. No house or apartment, no medical insurance, no vacation, no living expenses, just a car my mother gave me when she died in 1997. So yes I do own my car. But it is on its last leg, because it was not maintained from 1998 to 2008. I guess this is an example of my negativeness. But I am just trying to see things as they are, not as I would like to see them. Tonight I bought a lottery ticket to try and win $355 million, obviously I didn't win. My goal was to be able to pay my son's college loans and buy a new car, with enough to maybe buy an annuity to give me some income when I reach Social Security age. We are talking maybe $200,000.00 total. I know if I had won I would have had a lot more, but that made me almost happy that I didn't win,because what would I have done with all the rest. Probably given it away to anyone I deemed in need of some help. Definitely off the wall people who would not normally have been helped by any body. But back to my problem, how do I get my happy thoughts back?, but not include my family? Because every time I have happy ideas that include any or all of them, I get my heart broken, because they ALWAYS back out of everything. No matter how small or big. When is it going to be okay for me to move on. I don't want to give up my husband, I know he was terrible to me about the cancer, but I love him. I don't want to let someone into my life and find out he still loves me, but was just so upset he didn't know how to handle the situation. How do I know he doesn't have any feelings for me? Do I just assume? If there is even a tiny remote possibility that he still has feelings and maybe we could work things out, I want to be there. So how do I move on? I am trying to get a job. I know that would help immensely if I had a job I could put all my energy into and could love. But that is the problem, anything I find will be more in the nature of "a JOB", not something I look forward to doing. This is me thinking negatively, isn't it?!Well I am getting tired, so I guess I shall go to sleep and try again tomorrow, do the right things and stay away from my family.