Not Living Just Existing!!!

I feel I have gone into a sad mode.  Just the feeling of so much sadness, not wanting to do anything...Guess feeling that if I just get up, get through the day, go to bed and do the same thing next day someday this will go away.  Although, I know it is not going away, the pain will be there, missing Ken, him being gone is so so horrible.
We went on a trip to see the Falls in Canada then went to Virginia to visit my husband's kids.  I was miserable.  For the last 20 plus years have been spent taking trips to visit Ken and his family.  This was a very tough trip.  First I don't and didn't want to go anywhere, then going to see my husband's kids and knowing I couldn't go see Ken just took me into depression.  Today on the way home I finally broke and cried.  I laid on the couch in the motor home while my husband thought I was sleeping and cried my eyes out for the loss of Ken.
I don't know how things get different.  I know that I am different in the way I handle things about Ken as far as not as much crying, but he is always on my mind, I don't know if this is the way it is always going to be.  I do know sadness seems to now be what I feel inside.  I don't talk about it to anyone, no one understands.  I try to make sense out of God taking Ken so early in life and nothing makes sense.
I have not come here for a while, wondering if the more I am here, does it just keep the pain going, or is keeping it bottled is worse really don't know the answer.
I totally hate this life that I have been given.  I hate the loss of my wonderful son and I hate what he had to go through.  I hate that people don't understand.  I hate the pain. I know that I am not alone in this struggle and at times I feel I have made some progress, but I know that I am not living, I am just existing.
I don't know how to live anymore, that is why I just exist waiting for death I guess.  Waiting to see Ken again.  Waiting till this pain goes away and no it will never.  As everyone says it gets easier to deal with and or we deal with it in a different way.  I don't really know how we handle it.  I just know I hate it.
Life sure throws curves and makes life so hard.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I do not cry as much any more but like you David is always on my mind. I too feel like I get up and just go through the actions of the day and wait for another day to pass.The joy is gone but I believe and have faith in time we will get it back. I hate it too and wish it were different but...... this is it for now and we just have to look forward to tomorrow I guess.
lionheartsmom
lionheartsmom

Sandi, Your last two paragraphs could have been written by me. My Michael is constantly on my mind and I too hate my life. It wasn\'t supposed to be this way. My oldest son broke his neck in 1991 when he was 19 and is now a quadraplegic. Then Michael nearly died when he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2000. Then he died in 2007 from a diabetic coma. I\'m tired of all these life challenges; I too wait for the day I join him. Whatever happened to living happily ever after? So for now, I remind myself that I have two other sons who love me & need me and I live for them. I have come to realize that there will be many ups and downs for the remainder of my life. So I live one day at a time and cry when I feel the need. Know I care, know I understand. Love and prayers, Roselle
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sorry things are so bad, Sandi. Most of us go through periods of depression, that seem like they are never going to end. I remember the first couple of years, thinking if I could just die, I would be better off. The only thing that really helps me, is living for my other son, until I can be with Chad. Hoping you find some peace. Hugs. Gay
KandL
KandL

Sandi, I often feel the same way. I have feelings of rage about what life dealt me. I resent it & hate that my life is now to be lived without my son. I will never feel that you losing Ken or me losing Eddie will ever make any sense. None of us should have had to bury our children. I do try & find reasons to go on. My grandchildren need me - they lost their Dad. I do want to honor God & my son with the rest of my life. Some days are harder than others. Some days are lighter. I try not to think of how the rest of my life will be. I try to take one day at a time. Some days it works. Some days it doesn\'t. There are no easy answers. I believe that at least when you come to this site you ill be surrounded by love & understanding. I wish you peace & lighter days. Be gentle with yourself. You have been through so much. Tight hugs, Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

I find I go in short spurts of actually feeling Ok to moments of sadness and loss and that can happen in a matter of minutes. I find I think of Chris more now then before, he is always on my mind on how much I miss him and love him. I think of all the dreams he will not accomplish. The hugs and kisses I can not give him, to see his smile hear his laughter, laugh at his jokes. The foreverness of this loss is overwhelming, A roller coaster of emotion on this horrific journey that we can not get off of. Sending you hugs and support Wendy
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

Sandi we do understand. I can\'t imagine that it makes things worse to have this safe place to share your heart\'s sad truth and know we get it. I also know how loved you are by your family. Even if they can\'t understand your profound sorrow and disorientation the way we can, they would be shattered if you were not there. I know sometimes we are just acting \'as if\' but your creator gave you this life. I pray that in time you will find things that make you smile... not just pretending but really joyful through and through. Ken will be smiling too.
So much love, Sarah
deleted_user
deleted_user

I simply exist also...I try to actually live, but the reality of my child not coming to see me, call me, ect. just hits me every day like a slap in the face. It is the hardest thing to learn how to live again without the part of me that was the source of my joy. I think that others try to have empathy, but this is such an unimaginable thing to happen, they cannot begin to even get close to feeling this grief. Unless you are a mother who has lost a child and have to make it through every day of trying to breathe when the memories of your child\'s entire life flood your mind daily, there is no way anyone could imagine. Existing beside you, Michelle
Abotsd
Abotsd

Yes, it\'s very hard for all of us. I don\'t brood when I\'m dancing, aerobics, and other classes I take to get out of the house and manage my sorrow and fibromyalgia. I\'m also seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, a pain Dr., and compassionate friends. Do look for all the help you can, to be understood and encouraged. You are not alone and there are people who can and do help. wishing you some time for yourself to heal. We all have broken hearts.
PLA58
PLA58

Life is not easy, time doesnt heal. Some days I wish I could just get through, other days I want to pull the covers up over my head and make everything go away. I will get up in the morning and will go to work because I can try to live. I can smile and will take steps forward. I need the grandkids they are my life without them life would be harder to live. They keep me grounded, they are full of life and they want me in it.

We are all here together so talk complain cry your eyes out, we will be here .
Hugs Penny
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with others the last two paragraghs could have been written by me. I hate this life I have been given and I am also just existing not living. No enjoyment, I don\'t really want to go anywhere or do anything. I do what\'s expected of me, with no joy, and not much more. I told my husband the other day that I am holding myself together by a string. Sandi
SusanLarson
SusanLarson

I feel the same way. Life just isn\'t the same anymore, Susan
deleted_user
deleted_user

Those days come and go for me too, I don\'t know how they get here, but they do. Last night I had a melt down while walking the dogs. We cannot predict.
Hugs to you, Pam