Not Living Just Existing!!!
I feel I have gone into a sad mode. Just the feeling of so much sadness, not wanting to do anything...Guess feeling that if I just get up, get through the day, go to bed and do the same thing next day someday this will go away. Although, I know it is not going away, the pain will be there, missing Ken, him being gone is so so horrible.
We went on a trip to see the Falls in Canada then went to Virginia to visit my husband's kids. I was miserable. For the last 20 plus years have been spent taking trips to visit Ken and his family. This was a very tough trip. First I don't and didn't want to go anywhere, then going to see my husband's kids and knowing I couldn't go see Ken just took me into depression. Today on the way home I finally broke and cried. I laid on the couch in the motor home while my husband thought I was sleeping and cried my eyes out for the loss of Ken.
I don't know how things get different. I know that I am different in the way I handle things about Ken as far as not as much crying, but he is always on my mind, I don't know if this is the way it is always going to be. I do know sadness seems to now be what I feel inside. I don't talk about it to anyone, no one understands. I try to make sense out of God taking Ken so early in life and nothing makes sense.
I have not come here for a while, wondering if the more I am here, does it just keep the pain going, or is keeping it bottled is worse really don't know the answer.
I totally hate this life that I have been given. I hate the loss of my wonderful son and I hate what he had to go through. I hate that people don't understand. I hate the pain. I know that I am not alone in this struggle and at times I feel I have made some progress, but I know that I am not living, I am just existing.
I don't know how to live anymore, that is why I just exist waiting for death I guess. Waiting to see Ken again. Waiting till this pain goes away and no it will never. As everyone says it gets easier to deal with and or we deal with it in a different way. I don't really know how we handle it. I just know I hate it.
Life sure throws curves and makes life so hard.
We went on a trip to see the Falls in Canada then went to Virginia to visit my husband's kids. I was miserable. For the last 20 plus years have been spent taking trips to visit Ken and his family. This was a very tough trip. First I don't and didn't want to go anywhere, then going to see my husband's kids and knowing I couldn't go see Ken just took me into depression. Today on the way home I finally broke and cried. I laid on the couch in the motor home while my husband thought I was sleeping and cried my eyes out for the loss of Ken.
I don't know how things get different. I know that I am different in the way I handle things about Ken as far as not as much crying, but he is always on my mind, I don't know if this is the way it is always going to be. I do know sadness seems to now be what I feel inside. I don't talk about it to anyone, no one understands. I try to make sense out of God taking Ken so early in life and nothing makes sense.
I have not come here for a while, wondering if the more I am here, does it just keep the pain going, or is keeping it bottled is worse really don't know the answer.
I totally hate this life that I have been given. I hate the loss of my wonderful son and I hate what he had to go through. I hate that people don't understand. I hate the pain. I know that I am not alone in this struggle and at times I feel I have made some progress, but I know that I am not living, I am just existing.
I don't know how to live anymore, that is why I just exist waiting for death I guess. Waiting to see Ken again. Waiting till this pain goes away and no it will never. As everyone says it gets easier to deal with and or we deal with it in a different way. I don't really know how we handle it. I just know I hate it.
Life sure throws curves and makes life so hard.
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