Not letting fear win
My family and I use humor as a coping mechanism. It's a way to keep our fear at bay and stay positive.
We have been through so much. I lost an uncle to cancer, my husband lost three brothers to cancer and his mother is still battling breast cancer. My husband is a 5 year cancer survivor. His oncologist told him that he would have to nearly kill him to cure him because of how aggressive his cancer was. He went through two rounds with cancer and so far seems to be in remission.
Even through all that, we fight to keep our sense of humor alive. As evident by my recent issues.
I'm 47, I have four children, four grandchildren and one on the way. My husband of 24 years is very supportive and the love of my life.
In June 2015 I began having pain in my lower left pelvic area that extended from my groin up to mid-lower abdomen, in a straight line. My GP sent me for two CT scans, one of the abdomen and one of the pelvis. Both came back as normal. I was then sent for a colonoscopy. That came back as normal. I had also lost 35 lbs in three weeks but we attributed that to depression as I had lost my father shortly after the pain had begun. I also began to notice a persistent itch, usually in the shower and randomly throughout the day. Nothing disruptive, just annoying and awkward. "Pardon me while I slip off to the bathroom to scratch my vagina." Thanks.
Fast forward to December 2015, I'm still having pain, it's becoming progressively worse and I'm also concerned because my periods had changed drastically in the past year. Since my first period, I was irregular, having one every 3-4 months. Always. They were typically severely painful, with blood clots (sorry not trying to gross anyone out) but thankfully only lasted 4-5 days. For the past year they were every month, the pain was localized to the lower left side and pretty mild to begin with. Still having blood clots but now lasting 5-7 days. The pain is now daily, sometimes building up to a sharp stabbing pain then ebbing to a dull ache that just won't go away.
My GP made an appointment for me to see a gynecologist since I was way past due. This might make some cringe... It's been 11 years since my last pap. I should know better; I dealt with cervical dysplasia three times in my 20's, the final one resulting in laser treatment. I had clear paps since and went every year until my husband became sick 11 years ago. My world changed and I no longer took care of myself the way I should have. Then my mother became ill 6 years ago and required 24/7 care. She died September 2014, 10 months before my father. (I mentioned it's been rough).
Skip to February 2016. I'm up in the stirrups, lady parts exposed and vulnerable, when the gynecologist comes in and plops down, rolls her chair up while slipping on gloves and says "What's up with this gray skin down here?"
What? She repeated her description then asked the nurse to grab a mirror for me. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting in the chair next to me with his nose in a magazine, fighting the urge to get up and take a look. I might have kicked him if he did :) Get away, you can't see that or you'll never look at my vagina the same! Pffft. After 24 years and four kids, I should be less modest with him. That was his commentÂ
With the mirror in hand, I was shocked and could barely get out, "What is that?!" Took me a few tries.
She thought it was melanoma because of the varied degrees of color in the lesions; light gray, dark gray and black. Four biopsies and stitches later, it's VIN 3 and one biopsy revealed lichen sclerosus, pap is normal. During the stitching process I remarked, "Dang, guess I have to cancel the Brazillian wax." My husband commented that maybe it's benign, something we can "slap some cream on and paint it pink". My gynecologist appreciates our weird sense of humor.
So I'm off to see the gynecological oncologist who tells me I need a vulvectomy; removal of the entire left side and a good portion of my perineum. Um. Yay? By the way, he does not appreciate our sense of humor. D.R.Y. I know it's rough looking at vaginas all day but could you crack a smile?
Meanwhile, back at my gynecologist's cave, she does an ultrasound because we still don't know what's causing my pain. My uterus is enlarged and the surface is "rough". She thinks it's adenomyosis, a benign but painful condition, and wants to treat it with Depo Provera. Gyn onc will do a D&C during the vulvectomy just to make sure something isn't amiss.
So here I sit, three weeks away from surgery (hell), writing a list of things I will need, tips from women who have had the surgery, and trying not to let fear overwhelm me.
My co-workers are fantastic. Our work family consists of all women at the facility so I've been pretty open about what I'm going through. I commented once that there is a prosthetic for almost everything, how about the vulva? One co-worker sent me a picture of a fake camel toe and told me she knows what to buy me now. Please don't. Ok, maybe.
I told another lady I work with that women who have disfiguring surgery for breast cancer can have nipples tattoo'd, so hey... can I get a little shading for the missing half of my vulva? She said "Forget that, I'd get a glow-in-the-dark tattoo". Brilliant! I wanted "Yea though I walk through the valley..." Never mind, it's just a hillside now.
Through it all, I'm glad my family, everyone at home and at work, has a sense of humor. It's helped keep me positive and light. It's what will get me through the emotional distress of being disfigured in a very intimate area.
Although... I never imagined my vagina would be such a hot topic among my friends and family. Ew.
We have been through so much. I lost an uncle to cancer, my husband lost three brothers to cancer and his mother is still battling breast cancer. My husband is a 5 year cancer survivor. His oncologist told him that he would have to nearly kill him to cure him because of how aggressive his cancer was. He went through two rounds with cancer and so far seems to be in remission.
Even through all that, we fight to keep our sense of humor alive. As evident by my recent issues.
I'm 47, I have four children, four grandchildren and one on the way. My husband of 24 years is very supportive and the love of my life.
In June 2015 I began having pain in my lower left pelvic area that extended from my groin up to mid-lower abdomen, in a straight line. My GP sent me for two CT scans, one of the abdomen and one of the pelvis. Both came back as normal. I was then sent for a colonoscopy. That came back as normal. I had also lost 35 lbs in three weeks but we attributed that to depression as I had lost my father shortly after the pain had begun. I also began to notice a persistent itch, usually in the shower and randomly throughout the day. Nothing disruptive, just annoying and awkward. "Pardon me while I slip off to the bathroom to scratch my vagina." Thanks.
Fast forward to December 2015, I'm still having pain, it's becoming progressively worse and I'm also concerned because my periods had changed drastically in the past year. Since my first period, I was irregular, having one every 3-4 months. Always. They were typically severely painful, with blood clots (sorry not trying to gross anyone out) but thankfully only lasted 4-5 days. For the past year they were every month, the pain was localized to the lower left side and pretty mild to begin with. Still having blood clots but now lasting 5-7 days. The pain is now daily, sometimes building up to a sharp stabbing pain then ebbing to a dull ache that just won't go away.
My GP made an appointment for me to see a gynecologist since I was way past due. This might make some cringe... It's been 11 years since my last pap. I should know better; I dealt with cervical dysplasia three times in my 20's, the final one resulting in laser treatment. I had clear paps since and went every year until my husband became sick 11 years ago. My world changed and I no longer took care of myself the way I should have. Then my mother became ill 6 years ago and required 24/7 care. She died September 2014, 10 months before my father. (I mentioned it's been rough).
Skip to February 2016. I'm up in the stirrups, lady parts exposed and vulnerable, when the gynecologist comes in and plops down, rolls her chair up while slipping on gloves and says "What's up with this gray skin down here?"
What? She repeated her description then asked the nurse to grab a mirror for me. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting in the chair next to me with his nose in a magazine, fighting the urge to get up and take a look. I might have kicked him if he did :) Get away, you can't see that or you'll never look at my vagina the same! Pffft. After 24 years and four kids, I should be less modest with him. That was his commentÂ
With the mirror in hand, I was shocked and could barely get out, "What is that?!" Took me a few tries.
She thought it was melanoma because of the varied degrees of color in the lesions; light gray, dark gray and black. Four biopsies and stitches later, it's VIN 3 and one biopsy revealed lichen sclerosus, pap is normal. During the stitching process I remarked, "Dang, guess I have to cancel the Brazillian wax." My husband commented that maybe it's benign, something we can "slap some cream on and paint it pink". My gynecologist appreciates our weird sense of humor.
So I'm off to see the gynecological oncologist who tells me I need a vulvectomy; removal of the entire left side and a good portion of my perineum. Um. Yay? By the way, he does not appreciate our sense of humor. D.R.Y. I know it's rough looking at vaginas all day but could you crack a smile?
Meanwhile, back at my gynecologist's cave, she does an ultrasound because we still don't know what's causing my pain. My uterus is enlarged and the surface is "rough". She thinks it's adenomyosis, a benign but painful condition, and wants to treat it with Depo Provera. Gyn onc will do a D&C during the vulvectomy just to make sure something isn't amiss.
So here I sit, three weeks away from surgery (hell), writing a list of things I will need, tips from women who have had the surgery, and trying not to let fear overwhelm me.
My co-workers are fantastic. Our work family consists of all women at the facility so I've been pretty open about what I'm going through. I commented once that there is a prosthetic for almost everything, how about the vulva? One co-worker sent me a picture of a fake camel toe and told me she knows what to buy me now. Please don't. Ok, maybe.
I told another lady I work with that women who have disfiguring surgery for breast cancer can have nipples tattoo'd, so hey... can I get a little shading for the missing half of my vulva? She said "Forget that, I'd get a glow-in-the-dark tattoo". Brilliant! I wanted "Yea though I walk through the valley..." Never mind, it's just a hillside now.
Through it all, I'm glad my family, everyone at home and at work, has a sense of humor. It's helped keep me positive and light. It's what will get me through the emotional distress of being disfigured in a very intimate area.
Although... I never imagined my vagina would be such a hot topic among my friends and family. Ew.
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