Not knowing

I got to see my kids at church today.  The younger two are doing great.  My oldest one seems to be her usual distant self.  My ex was cordial, which always leaves me to think she is up to something.  Supposedly they will be at church next weekend, I am not holding my breath.  One month to go until court.  We will see how things play out then.  I could be upset by not getting my modification hearing but I would not have gotten to see the kids much more than I am now. I am still not sure how to take all of this.  Maybe the divorce date haveing been set has done something to my ex to where she allows me to see the kids.  What ever the case maybe  I thank God for making it so.    I will freely admit that it is hard not seeing my kids. My son wanted to keep hanging out with me after church service but I insisted that he go to sunday school.  What really sticks in my head is my tiny 2 year old wonder pixie running after my car in the parking lot at church.  She really misses me.  I am so glad children are so resilent and can handle it.  I know it has been hell on earth for my broken heart.  Pain!! it actually aches from time to time.  Cant dwell on it though.  First comes fear, then resentment, then the drink.  I will get my time some day with them.