Not Intended
I don't mean to offend anyone by this post. I do just want to say that even though you may not realize it, some of the things you say can be a bit hurtful or offensive to me. I am not very good at explaining myself or my reasonings. I am not talented with words at all. It may not seem that way with the big and intelligent words but I'm having to ask my sister for help with this.
I've had people tell me I don't have AS even when they don't know anything about it. My dad probably will never accept it and my mom is trying to make me hide my symptoms that I am finally allowing myself to show outwardly. Being told "You don't have Autism" or "I know so-and-so who has Autism and you don't act like them or show any of their symptoms" or"You're showing signs of Anxiety, not Autism" can be kind of hurtful because I do not know how to react to that or answer back. I freeze whenever I'm in that situation. I can't defend myself. My friend defended me once by saying to her Ba Noi: "Ba Noi, she's done research." I have researched all the symptoms and I have gone through the process of realizing I might have it to actually accepting it and trying to move forward. The past few months I have been really hyper-focusing on it and studying it as much as I could. That does not mean I can talk about it like a proffesor can due to my weakness in words.
Some things I have hyperfocused on are:
Dogs
Studio C
Doctor Who
Random Acts
The Flash
Autism/Asperger's Syndrome
Space
Anxiety
Emotional Support Dogs
Making Newspapers
The Shadow Children series by Margeret Peterson Haddix
The Survivors series by the Erin Hunter crew
Chuck
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Funny Thing About Love
Not Cinderella's Type
Once I was Engaged
And (right now) Disociative Identity Disorder or DID. (Please note I am not going down a hole of me thinking I have DID. I do not.)
I was talking with my sister late one night and we started talking about stuff I'm dealing with. She tried helping me with and since I get very controlling and everything has to be perfect when I'm stressed (I literally just realized this about me as I was writing this sentence) I started to get very agitated and nervous. Without realizing it, I started pacing around the room and flapping my hand to make it clap and pulling out my hair. I was breathing really hard and looking around at the walls and lights instead of her. She finally asked me "Can you stop being so chaotic?" I did not realize I was being chaotic.
Yes, I do have Anxiety and yes, I am still planning on seeing the doctor I was talking about. I know that not just any doctor can diagnose me. I do not want to talk about him because I will not be very good at explaining his work so you guys will understand.
I know all the symptoms I have because of the research I have done. If you don't believe me, please don't comment saying so. I tend to get offended even when it was not the intention.
I'm sorry if any of this seemed rude in any way. This was hard to write because I don't like offending other people or being rude. I'm not trying to be rude by this post, I'm just trying to make you guys understand what I'm am personally struggling with.
Replies
that inherent risk of offending one another is very real in peer support. working through the offensive parts just might be the hardest, yet most healing magic i have found in my peer support network. when i can work through those offenses with my therapy peers, the cruel stigmas of the world at large have far less power to hurt me.
in my own case, i really have been pressured to see if i am "on the spectrum." i still hold that it doesn't matter what label i treat the symptoms under. whether it is from autism, bipolar, ptsd. DID or whatever, obsessing is obsessing. social anxiety is social anxiety. i focus on symptoms rather than proper names for ^it^.
but that is me and every case is unique. . .
continued support while you sort your own.
for what it's worth
i am thoroughly impressed that you had the fortitude to make this post. i salute your courage, my healing warrior.
Hey! I just now read your post in the Anxiety forum, as well as this journal entry. In no way do you come across as rude in either one, and I feel bad that you've encountered people who are trying to diagnose you over the internet. I also agree that some of their comments have been pretty harsh. As I've said before, you know yourself best. If you believe that you may have Asperger's, as many of your symptoms suggest, then I would continue your pursuit of answers, particularly as they relate to helping you navigate a very stimulating and anxiety-provoking world.
As for your writing...you've done an excellent job in explaining yourself/your thoughts, as well as the spectrum in general. Regardless of whether your sister helped you or not, you have reason to be proud. Chances are, there's someone else online who is reading what you're writing and relating to much of what you say -- even if they don't yet feel brave enough to admit it. At the same time you are trying to help yourself, you are also helping others.
Always here to offer support, if you need it. Hugs!