Not in a good place emotionally
I started out today so good! I went to my therapist and everything was good... we talked about the things with Geo and I and she really helped me understand Geo more. When we had a car, he would go to therapy with me and sit in my sessions. My therapist says he was hoping to get something out of it too since he doesn't know how to express his emotions like I do. Talking about how I'm feeling just comes naturally to me, but maybe it's because I'm a woman and we are raised to talk about these things. I don't know.
Anyway, I don't know when it happened, but today just went into the crapper. I think it was somewhere on the bus ride home from the doctors. I ate an extra donut which made me feel guilty, and then I just got suicidal for about a minute (I swear, it wasn't more... if I thought I was a danger to myself right now I'd call the cops on myself again) and came home. I ate some chili beans I made and another donut and almost made myself throw up. I used to have an eating disorder, and I just was struggling so much to not throw up. I just did what I normally do- stay in the bedroom and refuse to get near the bathroom. If I see the toilet, it's over. I'm actually still doing that now. I'm trying not to throw up dinner. I went way over my calories today and I feel like crap for it. All about those stupid donuts. I don't ever want to get them again. I didn't need to get them, I didn't need to eat 3 of them, and it was just stupid. I was fine with my breakfast and packed lunch... *sigh*
I'm just all over the bad side of emotions right now. I'm not crying, but I wouldn't be surprised if I cry tonight. I may ask Geo to come lie with me for a while when he's done with his meeting. I just need a partner right now. I don't know what's at the heart of my emotions, and my fingers hurt so I don't feel like writing my poetry. Maybe I should, though, because it's the best way for me to find out what's going on.
Food/sleep- Food was bad, sleep was okay. I got 7.5 hours of sleep last night plus a 2 hour nap.
Anyway, I don't know when it happened, but today just went into the crapper. I think it was somewhere on the bus ride home from the doctors. I ate an extra donut which made me feel guilty, and then I just got suicidal for about a minute (I swear, it wasn't more... if I thought I was a danger to myself right now I'd call the cops on myself again) and came home. I ate some chili beans I made and another donut and almost made myself throw up. I used to have an eating disorder, and I just was struggling so much to not throw up. I just did what I normally do- stay in the bedroom and refuse to get near the bathroom. If I see the toilet, it's over. I'm actually still doing that now. I'm trying not to throw up dinner. I went way over my calories today and I feel like crap for it. All about those stupid donuts. I don't ever want to get them again. I didn't need to get them, I didn't need to eat 3 of them, and it was just stupid. I was fine with my breakfast and packed lunch... *sigh*
I'm just all over the bad side of emotions right now. I'm not crying, but I wouldn't be surprised if I cry tonight. I may ask Geo to come lie with me for a while when he's done with his meeting. I just need a partner right now. I don't know what's at the heart of my emotions, and my fingers hurt so I don't feel like writing my poetry. Maybe I should, though, because it's the best way for me to find out what's going on.
Food/sleep- Food was bad, sleep was okay. I got 7.5 hours of sleep last night plus a 2 hour nap.
Replies
Its ok we all slip up on food every once in awhile. You have done so good over coming your eating disorder. i do same thing and try to avoid the bathroom at times im feeling really guilty depressed or stressed out after eating. So tomarrow is a new day and youll be able to have another day to stick to your food plan. I always look at it this way... i cant change today thats already happened but i can focus on the good things i need to do for tomarrow. Huggzzz