Not in a good place

 This is the first time I'm writing in the journal so bear with me everyone... Two weeks ago today I found out that the artificial insemination we attemped two weeks prior had failed.  I did the home preganancy test in the morning and it came out negative.  That same evening, AF arrived.  I knew she was coming but still hoping she wouldn't.   Two weeks prior, I went back to the gym and religiously worked out five days each week so that I would start getting healthy, lose some weight, increase my self-esteem, and distract myself while I waited for THE NEWS.   Well, for two weeks since THE NEWS, I haven't been to the gym (finally went back today).  Other than my second wedding anniversary on Sept 1 and some belated celebrating, I have been down.  When I found out that I wasn't pregnant, my RE scheduled a consultation for the IVF which will be next week since the doc's super busy.  I thought, "Oh no, more waiting".  But decided at the RE' suggestion to wait this cycle and give my body a rest before starting IVF.  Sounded like a good idea.  But  I have not been able to get myself out of this slump.   I haven't been in the mood to call anyone, not even my BFF who has been supportive throughout this whole journey.  Just couldn't do it.  I did call my sis-in-law to vent.  Felt good.  She knows what's been happening and keeps my brother informed.  So much easier talking to her than it is to my brothers.  I pretty much told her that my goal in life (that includes personal and professional) right now is to get pregnant.   At one time in my life, I wanted to go into outside sales but no more.  Don't care about that anymore.  Getting pregnant with a healthy baby is my goal now.  So she did the greatest thing I didn't have the heart or courage to do.  She told my brother and my brother passed the news onto another brother so that he knew what was going on in me and DH' life.  Aside from a couple of brothers, no one from the family knew.  As info, I have a very big immediate family (6 brothers and me).  So the brother that found out last (he's a little rough around the edges -- funny, we're actually a lot alike) called a few days later to let me know that he was thinking about me/us, he cared about us, and just said other comforting words.  I was so touched by his call that I started to cry on the phone.  Tried not to since I was at work but held it together as best I could. So, the RE and I agreed that I should be getting myself ready for the big one right?  Well, I've done the complete opposite.   For the last two weeks, I have been OUT OF CONTROL.  No exercise, bad food, alcohol, you name it, I've done it.  I even had a funnel cake last night at the fair and didn't share (offered to my DH but he didn't want any).  So I get on the scale this morning (aside from being obsessed about babies, also obsessed about my weight) and lo and behold, I gained a few pounds over the weekend....surprise, surprise.   So, I got dressed and went to the gym.  I felt better just being there and I hadn't even stepped food on the treadmill yet!  :)   Sorry this is dragging on... :)   I leave and thought, I haven't spoken to one of brothers in awhile.  Let me give them a call and see how they are doing.  My sis-in-law answers the phone and immediately asks how I'm doing and what's the status on me and the baby front.  She usually doesn't ask about me until I've asked her about her sister's preganancy update but this time, she asked about me.  So I told her and then she said that she'd have to call me back bcuz she was on the phone.  Okay, so we played phone tag and then I got in touch with my brother.  So he asks me the same question.  Told him the same thing.  Pause.  Pause again.   And then he says what he always says, "Don't worry, it'll happen when you least expect it".  So we have the same conversation we always have about my situation.  I remember his wife telling me that her sister tried for many years and 4 IVF's later, she's carrying twins and due next month.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for her sister but her sister has been married for about 10 yrs and is now 38 yrs old.  I'm 41 yrs old and don't have 10 yrs to try.  So I mentioned it to my brother trying not to sound angry while making this comment.  So he says to me, "don't get mad but you are getting up there.  it may be dangerous for you and the baby so if it doesn't happen to you, it was meant to be and you need to move on."  OH MY GO*, i'm sorry but i'm not at that place where i can accept it and move on.   I just didn't what to say?  I know he meant well and he does care and love me but there are some comments that do not sit well with me.  he said it himself that they were lucky bcuz his wife had no issues and they had three beautiful boys.  same deal with my other brother.  But their wives were in their 20's.  I can't help it if it took me a little longer to meet my husband.   I was brought up that you get married first and then come the babies not the other way around.  I feel that I did it the right way.  So where are the babies?   I know that me and DH are not done trying but I am starting to get that feeling like I am running out of time and it's never gonna happen for us.  Like all of us, I yearn for a baby (twins or triplets would be so awesome!) so bad.  I notice children whereever I'm at.  It's just like when you're single and all the girls are getting married around you but you're not.  UGH! We have an IVF consultation next week and will more than likely begin 'all that' the following month.  Since IVF is so expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it, I feel like I want to wait another month until I'm ready physically and emotionally before I do it.  But my doctor did say that it's not my weight that is the issue but my age so maybe I shouldn't wait?  I'm just so tense right now.  My job is very stressful as well so no relief there.  I know I've mentioned trying acupuncture but haven't gotten off my butt to make any appts.   Again, I apologize for such a long journal entry.  Thank you for allowing me to vent.  Look forward to your suggestions.   Teresa