Not in a good place
This is the first time I'm writing in the journal so bear with me everyone... Two weeks ago today I found out that the artificial insemination we attemped two weeks prior had failed. I did the home preganancy test in the morning and it came out negative. That same evening, AF arrived. I knew she was coming but still hoping she wouldn't. Two weeks prior, I went back to the gym and religiously worked out five days each week so that I would start getting healthy, lose some weight, increase my self-esteem, and distract myself while I waited for THE NEWS. Well, for two weeks since THE NEWS, I haven't been to the gym (finally went back today). Other than my second wedding anniversary on Sept 1 and some belated celebrating, I have been down. When I found out that I wasn't pregnant, my RE scheduled a consultation for the IVF which will be next week since the doc's super busy. I thought, "Oh no, more waiting". But decided at the RE' suggestion to wait this cycle and give my body a rest before starting IVF. Sounded like a good idea. But I have not been able to get myself out of this slump. I haven't been in the mood to call anyone, not even my BFF who has been supportive throughout this whole journey. Just couldn't do it. I did call my sis-in-law to vent. Felt good. She knows what's been happening and keeps my brother informed. So much easier talking to her than it is to my brothers. I pretty much told her that my goal in life (that includes personal and professional) right now is to get pregnant. At one time in my life, I wanted to go into outside sales but no more. Don't care about that anymore. Getting pregnant with a healthy baby is my goal now. So she did the greatest thing I didn't have the heart or courage to do. She told my brother and my brother passed the news onto another brother so that he knew what was going on in me and DH' life. Aside from a couple of brothers, no one from the family knew. As info, I have a very big immediate family (6 brothers and me). So the brother that found out last (he's a little rough around the edges -- funny, we're actually a lot alike) called a few days later to let me know that he was thinking about me/us, he cared about us, and just said other comforting words. I was so touched by his call that I started to cry on the phone. Tried not to since I was at work but held it together as best I could. So, the RE and I agreed that I should be getting myself ready for the big one right? Well, I've done the complete opposite. For the last two weeks, I have been OUT OF CONTROL. No exercise, bad food, alcohol, you name it, I've done it. I even had a funnel cake last night at the fair and didn't share (offered to my DH but he didn't want any). So I get on the scale this morning (aside from being obsessed about babies, also obsessed about my weight) and lo and behold, I gained a few pounds over the weekend....surprise, surprise. So, I got dressed and went to the gym. I felt better just being there and I hadn't even stepped food on the treadmill yet! :) Sorry this is dragging on... :) I leave and thought, I haven't spoken to one of brothers in awhile. Let me give them a call and see how they are doing. My sis-in-law answers the phone and immediately asks how I'm doing and what's the status on me and the baby front. She usually doesn't ask about me until I've asked her about her sister's preganancy update but this time, she asked about me. So I told her and then she said that she'd have to call me back bcuz she was on the phone. Okay, so we played phone tag and then I got in touch with my brother. So he asks me the same question. Told him the same thing. Pause. Pause again. And then he says what he always says, "Don't worry, it'll happen when you least expect it". So we have the same conversation we always have about my situation. I remember his wife telling me that her sister tried for many years and 4 IVF's later, she's carrying twins and due next month. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for her sister but her sister has been married for about 10 yrs and is now 38 yrs old. I'm 41 yrs old and don't have 10 yrs to try. So I mentioned it to my brother trying not to sound angry while making this comment. So he says to me, "don't get mad but you are getting up there. it may be dangerous for you and the baby so if it doesn't happen to you, it was meant to be and you need to move on." OH MY GO*, i'm sorry but i'm not at that place where i can accept it and move on. I just didn't what to say? I know he meant well and he does care and love me but there are some comments that do not sit well with me. he said it himself that they were lucky bcuz his wife had no issues and they had three beautiful boys. same deal with my other brother. But their wives were in their 20's. I can't help it if it took me a little longer to meet my husband. I was brought up that you get married first and then come the babies not the other way around. I feel that I did it the right way. So where are the babies? I know that me and DH are not done trying but I am starting to get that feeling like I am running out of time and it's never gonna happen for us. Like all of us, I yearn for a baby (twins or triplets would be so awesome!) so bad. I notice children whereever I'm at. It's just like when you're single and all the girls are getting married around you but you're not. UGH! We have an IVF consultation next week and will more than likely begin 'all that' the following month. Since IVF is so expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it, I feel like I want to wait another month until I'm ready physically and emotionally before I do it. But my doctor did say that it's not my weight that is the issue but my age so maybe I shouldn't wait? I'm just so tense right now. My job is very stressful as well so no relief there. I know I've mentioned trying acupuncture but haven't gotten off my butt to make any appts. Again, I apologize for such a long journal entry. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Look forward to your suggestions. Teresa
Replies
I am so sorry you are going through and so sorry about your brother\'s comment. People who are not going through what we are going through tend to try and say things to make you feel better but it ends up making you feel worse. I\'ll be praying for you and I hope IVF is a success for you.
I don\'t blame you for being upset at your brother\'s comment, but I agree with Ali - there are so many people who have been blessed with children and don\'t realize how difficult it is for the rest of us. I know how you feel about IVF - it is a very stressful time and you do need to be prepared both physically and mentally - but if you feel the pressure of time (like me), then I would try to start as soon as you can. And know that you will have the sisterhood of friends on this website to help you get through it, and to maintain your sanity. When you\'re ready, we will be here. And - good for you for eating that entire funnel cake! I could use a big fat funnel cake right now! xoxox
Hello Teresa!
Wow! Great entry! I was actually surprised when I saw the alert that you wrote an entry!! I read with much excitement- I\'m glad it was long!
Sounds like you\'ve been really down on yourself since the BFN... I did the same thing a while ago- went completely off the rails... It does get better once you decide to persevere. I think that \"fall off the wagon\" made me stronger and it hasn\'t happened since. Actually, if I get tested and these herbs aren\'t working, I\'ll fall off the wagon BIG time!
Anyway... I hate that saying sometimes \"it wasnt meant to be\"... particularly when I want something so bad! It\'s something that we just dont want to hear! We can\'t possibly imagine life without children!
You need to create a new goal... to get pregnant this IVF cycle... Really emerse yourself into it. Start eating right again, exercise, relax... its time to get your body baby-ready... Every time you think about being bad, think about the baby that will be living inside you and think about the home you want it to have over the next 9 months.
It was good to get the anger and frustration out by falling off the wagon, but it\'s time to get back up. You found your DH even though it took longer than expected... You will have your baby too.
Take care and keep us posted xo
Every so often I stumble on a journal entry that moves me. Yours was that one this morning ;). I think it is good for you to get this out. Once you recognize where you are, you can begin to take steps to improve your situation. My \"off the wagon\" has unfortunately lasted 3 months. I am just beginning to pick myself back up, so I understand exactly how you feel. My guess is that you are being hard on yourself because you aren\'t doing the things you believe you should be doing to make your dream of Baby come true. You lack the ambition right now and are beating yourself up for it, no? If so, stop. We all go through these natural downs and eventually bounce back up. Allow yourself to grieve your recent failure to get pg. Lean on your friends here. We know that it isn\'t easy. I too have \"ovarian dysfunction\" and \"low reserve\" even though I am only 33 yrs old. We have been trying for over 2 yrs with never a positive. Let\'s get back up together. I am hoping to start going to the gym this week and plan to finally go grocery shopping for some healthy food. I have been doing nothing for the past few months to help myself. My new focus is balance. One step at a time, we can get back to where we need to be. You are not too old. Read the book Inconceivable for some inspiration if you haven\'t already. You can do this and you do have time. At 41, it may be a little more difficult to get pg, but you have every reason to hope. It happens all the time. Don\'t let the Drs discourage you. I hope you feel better soon. ...Anna
Hang in there. I also feel like I am running out of time as I am 44! hopefully it will happen for the both of us soon!
Thanks everyone for lifting me back up! :) Only those that have walked in your shoes trully know what it feels like. Thank you for the prayers and encouragement. And Pebbles, you\'re never too old! We are gonna get there! :)
I\'m going to print all of your inspirational comments and keep them at my fingertips so when I need a pick-me-up, you\'re all right there with me! :) Just what I needed!