not happy

I am afraid that I may not make it out of this depression and if I do I may lose a lot of what I have worked for.I fell so F...ed up sometimes. Today very much so. It really is day by day. I am hypersensitive and the smallest thing can snowball into feeling rejected and feeling like i can not trust anyone and that no one cares..I really am very alone, it is noe imagined.People who see me would be suprised I am sure , I put up a good front, but this depression has the power to kill me.God rescued me from addiction, why would he do that for  it all to end in a horrible depression or a life of complete pain and isolation.I want me back and it seems no matter how I try I cannot find me. The confident , happy me does not exist anymore. Maybe that was not real, my confident happy self that makes friends easy and people want to be around me, find me attractive . THe funny childlike me that always is playful with a smile or a mischievious grin. I F...ing want that back. I am pissed at people also. Dont say you freaking carewhen you only want me positive and happy. You dont care , I need people that want to be around when I am not positive and happy.What about all the times that I helped people move. The times that I loaned money when I did not have it. Let people sleep on my couch or made people feel a part of when really I did not want to include them. Cant I be shown the same kind of support . I have tried so hard to be the kind of friend that I want. MAYBE IT IS SELFISH BUT i WANT THE SAME.  I am so pissed at this world.I have prayed for guidance. God show mw the way and give the the strength to do it because I do not want to do your will. So I think , What am I suppose to do.Not looking for magic,some things just cant be fixed.